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Who Should Host the Adult Video News Awards?

Family Guy creator and perverted teddy bear enthusiast Seth MacFarlane recently made headlines when it was annouced that he'll host the 2013 Academy Awards. It was somewhat less widely reported when he declined an offer to host the only awards show with more prestige than the Oscars: the Adult Video News Awards. With categories like Best Double-Penetration Scene, Best Squirting Release, and Best Fem-Dom Strap-On Release, we can't imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to participate in such a spectacularly fluid-filled event. In the midst of this upset, we've concocted a dream team of hosts we would love to see presenting those crystallized phallic statuettes in MacFarlane's stead.  


Photo: Frank Micelotta / FOX | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

1. Charlie Sheen
Originally making headlines for his sex addiction in 1994 after spending $53,000 on Heidi Fleiss’ prostitutes, the erratically passionate, twitching-inclined star later had a very public meltdown involving drugs and porn stars, which somehow managed to increase his popularity. Still "winning" in every sense of the word (except, you know, literally), the ex-Two and a Half Men star would be sure to provide more entertainment than every esteemed actor and actress in the ballroom.

2. Queen Elizabeth II
With her elderly stature and pristine reputation, the constitutional monarch would fit right in with the fake boobs, penile injections, and orgy-friendly mentality. Not to mention that you can’t really earn a royal title without passing down the Best-MILF-series-torch first.

3. Ron Jeremy
The unapologetically hairy legend already holds the AVN title for No. 1 Porn Star of All Time, and he continues to give every man hope that they, too, might one day land the Jenna Jameson lookalike next door (even WITH that bulging beer belly and receding hairline!).

4. The Entire Cast of Jersey Shore
This seems pretty self-explanatory, but just in case... Living amongst the disease-ridden crevices of the Smush Room (and Seaside Heights in general, for that matter), the dynamic octet should at least be considered for a mid-show spoof, since they've surely spawned a whole new market for scintillating, gelled-hair-pulling porn flicks.

5. Justin Bieber
If you thought J Biebs was a hit with the teenyboppers, wait until you see him desperately trying to ward off adult film stars.

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