User menu

Main menu


Who Wants A One-Way Trip To Mars?

We're volunteering these celebrities…


A Dutch company calling themselves Mars One is currently looking for applicants to take a trip to Mars…a trip with no return ticket. Whoever ends up going will find themselves stuck on the red planet for the rest of their lives, which, considering Mars' weak magnetic field hugely increases the possibility of dying from solar radiation, might not actually be all that long. Even if they survive the trip and the brutal conditions, life is guaranteed to be a harsh, grueling, continuous struggle for survival, which makes the whole project sound a little less than appealing. But still – we're not ones to waste an opportunity when it comes knocking, so we've compiled a list of celebrities we think would, by joining this mission, contribute enormously to society…by leaving it.



Skip Bayless

What would become of ESPN if the race-baiting, out-of-his-ass prognosticating, talking can of Redbull was gone for good? Stephen A. Smith would have to spend most of First Take yelling at empty furniture (something we're pretty sure he does when he's not in front of cameras anyway) and commenters would have to save their "You're a fucking idiot, die!!!" comments for re-runs of the 1998 Lumberjack Semi-Finals. So win-win.

Special planet-colonizing skills:

Discouraging marauding aliens from visiting Earth to interact with more humans. "A planet full of lifeforms like this asshole? No thanks." 


Robert Pattinson

You know what? The Twilight star actually seems like an okay guy in real life. But we can never forgive him for poisoning the minds of a generation of women, who now believe that sparkly emos are the epitome of manly sexiness. Ladies, everyone knows that there's nothing sexier in a man than his ability to compile amusing lists for the internet while belching the first two verses of Call Me Maybe, right?

Special planet-colonizing skills:

Robert's super-pasty white body could act as a solar shield, reflecting dangerous radiation away from other colonists. In the event of an attack by hostile Martian lifeforms, he could also be run up a mast and used as a surrender flag.


Anyone Who Has Ever Been In The Jersey Shore Hot Tub

There were more than a few “grenades” in that bubbling stew of Insta-Tan and rhinoceros pituitary gland secretions over the years, and remarkably, very few known fatalities. Colonization will require a degree of resilience to foreign germs and bacterium, and clearly these people have the immune systems of a Stegosaurus with an Amoxicillin habit.

Special planet-colonizing skills:

The ability to effectively communicate entirely with bodily gestures, and a useful familiarity with bizarre, alien-looking life forms.


Got any suggestions for who else should take this trip? Leave 'em in the comments below!


Human Water Park - What the Goop In Your Body Is Actually For

6 Celebrities Who Look Like Dinosaurs