If you’re tired of trembling like a kicked dog every time that HR dickhead walks by your desk, here’s your occupational reset button.
1. Sports Agent
Starting salary: Shit. But make agent and it’s three to five percent of every contract you ink.
Forecast: Even in the downturn there are 10 percent more sports jobs than there were in 2002, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Sure, right now the recession is carving into corporate sponsorships and certain sectors of the sports world, but athletes are still making stupid bank from contracts (see CC Sabathia) that agents negotiate.
Job description: Welcome to…the mailroom! Agent trainees traditionally get their start here. Whether you’re an Ivy League snot or a state school schlub, the mailroom is the great equalizer: Whoever gracefully withstands the long hours, never-ending verbal abuse, and steady barrage of nearly impossible requests will earn the ultimate atta-boy status and advance to Bob Sugar land. Most elite agents manage to snag a law degree along the way—phone-book-size contracts are your business, after all.
Benefits: VIP access to games
Hazards: High-class hookers with herpes; clients who murder, host dog fights
2. Winemaker
Starting salary: $50,000
Forecast: By 2010 the United States is expected to overtake France as the planet’s biggest wine consumer. More boozers means more grape gigs. Next market: the emerging winos in China and Russia; Merlot pairs nicely with oppression.
Job description: Winemakers do everything but farm, so you would have to help crush grapes, lug barrels, pour out glasses for tourists, and, of course, swish and gulp down the stuff daily. For an entry-level spot, all you need is a robust liver and a basic knowledge of wines. To make chief winemaker you’ll want an oenology (science of wine) diploma. But don’t fret: Most West Coast four-year and community colleges offer quick-and-dirty degrees on the cheap. University of California-Davis has one of the best wine programs in the world.
Benefits: Free booze, grapes, raisins
Hazards: Waking up facedown in the middle of the vineyard; permanently stained teeth and feet
3. SuperYacht Crewman
Starting salary: $44,000, plus free room and board
Forecast: Even now superyachts (private luxury boats that can house 14 guests plus a seven-person crew) are selling robustly, creating a huge demand for crews, mostly in the Mediterranean and the Caribbean.
Job description: The best entry-level job is deck hand, as it keeps you away from the kiss-ass customer service end of the crew (chef, steward). As a mate, you’ll keep the boat seaworthy, sparkling clean, and free from pirates—all while living in close quarters with other strapping, sweaty young sailors. Yummy! This is the training ground for captain or engineer, so you’ll actually rack up experience charting courses and reading radar. To get aboard you’ll need to take a three-week basic safety course to earn your Standards of Training, Certification & Watchkeeping certificate, or STCW95.
Benefits: Free luxury travel; bored, tan trophy wives
Hazards: Jealous husbands of trophy wives; sharks
4. Funeral Director
Starting salary: $45,000
Forecast: Get ready for the cash-lined baby boomer body rush. There are still 78 million of them left—and they’ll all be having funerals!
Job description: Push past those pesky tears from the bereaved and those annoying meditations on mortality and, dude, the funeral business is the jam! You roll in Cadillacs, sport ¿sleek black gangster suits, and stop traffic whenever you effin’ want. And the modern-day funeral director is more than just a casket jockey in bad shoes—he’s like a crypt cruise director in bad shoes working to put the fun back into funeral. Baby boomers are already shelling out top dollar to have weirdo wakes, from launching remains into orbit to creating rocking viewing “events”—with a DJ spinning tunes—to making feature-length high-def video docu--mentaries of the deceased.
Benefits: Lots of freezer space; free body bags and all the formaldehyde you can inhale
Hazards: Zombies; creeping out every woman you meet