User menu

Main menu

Funny

Your Christmas Drinking Strategy

Just because you like the sauce, doesn’t mean you have to look like you do.


(Photo: Jose Luis Pelaez / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012)

Christmas is hard, just ask our pal John McClane. Between the in-laws, the screaming children, and your very handsy grandfather, how does everyone expect you to go at this without copious amounts of booze? But nursing a handle of whiskey all day isn’t good for your image. Well, we’ve got your alcoholic answer right here - the comprehensive guide to drinking on Christmas.

7:00 AM – Children are jumping on your bed, but you’re still hungover from sneakily drinking on Christmas Eve. Your bloodshot eyes and gravelly voice won’t deter them though; there are promises of flashy and breakable toys in the living room.

7:04 AM – Defeated, you trudge into the kitchen. Be sure to snatch the milk that accompanied the cookies left out for Santa. Before the other adults emerge, you are going to want to mix that with a little vodka and Kahlua (just a touch) making an on-the-fly White Russian to take you through present-opening time. Everyone knows milk that’s been sitting out overnight is the best kind.

10:30 AM – The living room looks like Santa projectile vomited all over it and you have three more horrid sweaters to your name. Next, pull a power move. Stand up and offer to make breakfast. Triple benefits here: You miss clean up time, you look like a saint to the fam, and most importantly, you load up your pancake mix with bourbon. Keep in mind: alcohol cooks out with heat so you’ll want to “accidentally” undercook your flapjacks in order to glean the most benefit.

2:00 PM – It’s time for Christmas brunch at Uncle So-and-So’s! Now, you could get away with having a Mimosa here, but who wants that? That would be cocktail regression. So instead, you get crafty. Come bearing gifts for your hosts, as well as a hidden extra parcel with your own name tagged on it. When gift opening time arrives, set ‘em up with an elaborate “FOR ME?!?!” and knock ‘em down with a sincere “Just the cologne I wanted!” Yeah, a cologne bottle you filled with 151. Continuously spritz yourself in the mouth as the afternoon drags on (and on and on and on).

5:30 PM – It’s movie time! Whether it’s The Wizard of Oz or It’s a Wonderful Life, one thing is for sure: you are about to spend 2+ hours with kids trampling all over you. It’s desperate times at this point, so dial up those desperate measures. This means different things to different people. Toilet tank-hidden flask? Sure! I.V. bag full of tequila strapped to your side with the tube running up your sleeve for sneaky sips? Not bad. But if you can find a Santa hat big enough to squeeze a beer helmet under then you, my friend, are a pro.

7:45 PM – You’ve made it! It’s Christmas dinner and a perfectly acceptable time to knock back a couple brews or even some boozy nog. Too bad you’ve been blitz(ened) since early afternoon and already called your mother-in-law a “wormed-lipped reaper of souls.” But who cares? You made it through the big day. Now get ready for your ho-ho-hangover!

Check out What Your Relatives Will Be Getting You For Christmas (And How To React) or 5 Superheroes Who Hate Christmas (And The 5 Reasons Why).