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Is Your Manhood Under Attack?

A newly released survey ranks penis size by country, and the results are not particularly good for American men, who clock in at an average of 5.1 inches—behind 16 other nations, including Russia, France, Germany, the U.K., and (gasp!) Canada. What the fuck?

I mean, the fact that, say, The Republic of Congo blew away the competition with an average of 7.1 inches isn’t exactly a shock, but CANADA?? It’s simply more than we can bear.

Read on for the complete list of the 16 countries that boast a bigger bulge—and a slew of really offensive reasons why America is still better than them.  Because they may take our collective penis, but they’ll never take our collective freedom.

Republic of Congo (7.1”): A must-visit—if you want to get eaten by a lion at the intersection of Rape and Pillage.

Ecuador (7”): The perfect place to NOT stop on the way to Peru.

Ghana (6.8”): If you live in Ghana, you’d better be good at soccer, because it’s either that, or join a band of roving pirates.

Colombia (6.7”): And if we were always jacked up on coke, we’d probably be convinced we were packing 6.7” of heat, too.  

Iceland (6.5”):  At least two of those inches can be attributed to the icicle that permanently attaches itself to your tip when you live in a country that’s always cold as balls.

Italy (6.2”): Ok, Giuseppe, we’ll believe this as soon as you stop trying to make the Speedo happen.  

South Africa (6”): Johannesburg: The city most likely to attract an alien spacecraft. Perfect.

Sweden (5.9”): A nation whose greatest contribution to society is Swedish Fish and Stockholm Syndrome? No thank you.

Greece (5.8”): Can you say “functioning economy” in Greek? Nope, because there is no word for that.

Germany (5.7”): It’s not that your junk is actually bigger, it’s just that your swimmers are running away from your groins so aggressively that it creates the illusion of length.

New Zealand (5.5”): Um, Australia is already on this list—so it’s almost like you’re bragging. Not cool, dudes.

UK (5.5”): Your dicks may be .5 inches bigger than ours, but remember: your teeth are the first thing people see.

Canada (5.5”): If Canadians truly have a more substantial shaft, it’s only to compensate for the fact that they have no balls.

Spain (5.5”): Well, at least now you can be known for something other than tapas. And the Inquisition.

France (5.3”): We’re just spit-balling here, but maybe your nether regions just seem bigger when you say it with that haughty fucking accent?

Australia (5.2”): Have you ever had a Foster’s or eaten in an Outback Steakhouse? No, because no one has.

Russia (5.2”): You commies must LOVE this “average” bullshit. Whatever.

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My 5.1" wonder wants to see girls!