We all know Valentine's Day is really just a holiday women made up to get flowers and candy, and yet they insist that's a day for "both" of you. So where are your candy boxes, and flowers, and special once-a-year-lingerie? If you're sick of getting the shaft every February 14th, it's time to take a stand. Tell her it's time for her to show you some love-and what better form can love take than seriously awesome shit? Gentlemen, it's time to take back Valentine's Day!
AIR HOGS LASER ZERO GRAVITY
Why it's awesome: Take your remote control skills to the next level and ignore pesky things like gravity! Just point the laser (that's right, we said lasers) at any smooth surface and the car will follow. This thing goes on the floor, up walls, and even on the ceiling! What keeps it there? Magic. And some awesome Venturi Fan technology.
How to convince her: Expect to hear things like "But it's going to ruin the walls!" and "You're going to attach a video camera to the top and drive it under my legs", to which you'll reply "No it won't, special fans create a down-force to keep it glued with wall along with a suction like a vacuum," and "You bet I am!" If she throws out "But you're 35!" we've got nothing for you. Cause a distraction and leave the room ASAP.
Available at major retailers (Wal-Mart, Target, etc.); Find out more here
How to convince her: Expect to hear things like "But it's going to ruin the walls!" and "You're going to attach a video camera to the top and drive it under my legs", to which you'll reply "No it won't, special fans create a down-force to keep it glued with wall along with a suction like a vacuum," and "You bet I am!" If she throws out "But you're 35!" we've got nothing for you. Cause a distraction and leave the room ASAP.
Available at major retailers (Wal-Mart, Target, etc.); Find out more here
PSYCHO BUNNY BATMAN CASHMERE SCARF
Why it's awesome: Everyone around you will know you're a badass with a penchant for punching dudes in the face. Plus it's super warm, and if you're going to have to wear a scarf, you may as well wear one with the bat signal on it.
How you'll convince her: Doesn't she want you to be warm? How else can you take her on romantic walks when it's chilly? Plus, it's cashmere, so it's fancy enough to wear around her fancy friends. Just refrain from noting out loud that the artwork kind of resembles early Carmine Infantino or Neal Adams. You still want to get laid, you know.
This scarf is part of Bloomingdale's 75th Anniversary Celebration of DC Comics. Check it out here
How you'll convince her: Doesn't she want you to be warm? How else can you take her on romantic walks when it's chilly? Plus, it's cashmere, so it's fancy enough to wear around her fancy friends. Just refrain from noting out loud that the artwork kind of resembles early Carmine Infantino or Neal Adams. You still want to get laid, you know.
This scarf is part of Bloomingdale's 75th Anniversary Celebration of DC Comics. Check it out here
KLIPSCH OUTDOOR SPEAKERS (AKA SPEAKERS THAT LOOK LIKE ROCKS)
Why it's awesome: Now you can blast your music in your backyard as inconspicuously as you want. Expect exciting interactions with your neighbors like the following:
Neighbor: "Quit playing your music so loud!"
You: "That's not my music."
Neighbor: "But I hear it coming from your yard."
You: "Prove it. You see any speakers? I don't. All I see are some
lawn chairs, beer and totally regular rocks."
Neighbor walks away annoyed. You win.
The 6.5-inch dual voice coil polymer woofer and dual ¾-inch polymer dome tweeters ensure you can rock out all season long without ruining the look of your outdoor space.
How you'll convince her: She can listen to her favorite songs while eating the romantic dinner you prepared without having the view ruined by ugly speakers.
$299; Buy it here
How you'll convince her: She can listen to her favorite songs while eating the romantic dinner you prepared without having the view ruined by ugly speakers.
$299; Buy it here
JAKKS PACIFIC EYECLOPS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES
Why it's awesome: If we need to explain why night vision goggles are awesome, you clearly have never been to this site or read this magazine in your life. Three words: midnight freeze tag. With visibility up to 50 feet in complete darkness, you will rule the night.
How to convince her: This one's a little tricky. You're going to look like an idiot, so she'll never let you wear them around her, but you can use that to your advantage. Tell her you want them so you won't disturb her by turning on the light when you wake up to go to the bathroom (or sneak out the bathroom window to play midnight freeze tag with your friends).
$59.99; Buy it here
How to convince her: This one's a little tricky. You're going to look like an idiot, so she'll never let you wear them around her, but you can use that to your advantage. Tell her you want them so you won't disturb her by turning on the light when you wake up to go to the bathroom (or sneak out the bathroom window to play midnight freeze tag with your friends).
$59.99; Buy it here
SUPERMAN LETTER OPENER by THE NOBLE COLLECTION
Why it's awesome: Let's face it-work sucks, and office supplies are boring. Create your own Fortress of Solitude at your desk while you open mail.
How to convince her: Although you're committed to sticking to the "my company has a strict policy of no girlfriend photos on your desk" lie for at least another year, you can convince her that this letter opener will do the job more covertly.
$35; Buy it here
How to convince her: Although you're committed to sticking to the "my company has a strict policy of no girlfriend photos on your desk" lie for at least another year, you can convince her that this letter opener will do the job more covertly.
$35; Buy it here
DYSON
Why it's awesome: We know what you're thinking-a vacuum cleaner? Really? Just hear us out. She's going to make you clean the house at some point, so why not feel awesome doing it? The Dyson not only comes packed with a motor that spins five times faster than the engine of a Formula racing car, but it kind of looks like something a Ghostbuster might use. And as we all know, pretending you're a Ghostbuster makes anything you're doing ten times more fun: Going to the library, driving to work, attending a funeral…
How to convince her: You're asking for a vacuum cleaner that you're going to use to help her clean. It's not rocket science. She'll be so excited to get you this, the vacuum may not be the only thing proving its powerful suction capacity. (What?)
$219.99-$269.99; Buy it and learn more about Dyson's technology here
How to convince her: You're asking for a vacuum cleaner that you're going to use to help her clean. It's not rocket science. She'll be so excited to get you this, the vacuum may not be the only thing proving its powerful suction capacity. (What?)
$219.99-$269.99; Buy it and learn more about Dyson's technology here
REMOTE CONTROL ROLLING BEVERAGE COOLER
Why it's awesome: Combine the fun of remote controls with the greatness of beer. Have races with your friends. First place gets bragging rights; losers get beer. Everyone wins! There's room for 12 cans or bottles on ice with an insulated vinyl shell that will keep everything chilled for hours.
How to convince her: It can deliver more than just beer. Tell her she can use it when you're not, for…whatever reason girls would use coolers. Underwear ice cube fights with her friends? They do that, right?
$69.95; Buy it here
How to convince her: It can deliver more than just beer. Tell her she can use it when you're not, for…whatever reason girls would use coolers. Underwear ice cube fights with her friends? They do that, right?
$69.95; Buy it here