Barely Legal Sports Gear

Screw “vitamins.” Grab some performance-enhancing gear that’ll guarantee victory without the ‘roid rage!

Screw “vitamins.” Grab some performance-enhancing gear that’ll guarantee victory without the ‘roid rage!

1. Big Bubba 29

Tennis rackets are a lot like cheeseburgers: the bigger, the better. With 29 inches in length (the max allowed by the USTA) and 137 square inches of surface area (two more than the average racket), the oversize Big Bubba 29 ups your ability to make contact. Advantage, you!

$180, gammasports.com



2. Argon Stoke Trainer

Even for the pros, a trip to the green can be a nail-biter…unless you’re putting with a laser-sighted club. Argon’s “stroke trainer” is meant for “practice,” but “whatever”! Its two button-controlled beams guarantee perfect alignment. Just don’t pull a Tiger and actually get caught.

$70, argonputter.com



3. Mizuno Craze Softball Bat

Need a little help at the company team-building softball game? Have your bat’s barrel shaved and rolled by a service like prorollers.net. Illegal? Yep, but hollowing it out and breaking up the resin boosts ball speeds. Or score better results with a powerful carbon-fiber boom stick, such as the Mizuno Craze softball bat. Watch out, Barry*! 

$150, mizunousa.com



4. Athletic Propulsion Labs’ Concept 1 Shoe 

Squat thrusts will boost your vertical, but who wants to risk pulling a hammy? The Concept 1 shoe (outlawed by the NBA!) from Athletic Propulsion Labs features a forefoot “launch pad” and a thermoplastic urethane shank in the arch to provide extra lift, no exercise required. If only adding 3.5 inches to every part of your game were this easy.

$195, athleticpropulsionlabs.com



5. Adidas Jabulani Ball

Bending it like Beckham doesn’t require much practice (or a hot wife). NASA tested the Adidas Jabulani’s aerodynamics and proved that the MLS match ball’s ultralight weight (440 grams) causes more high-speed “knuckling” than any FIFA-­regulation rock. Translation: a curvy, mega-unpredictable flight pattern. Más go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-als!

$150, jabulaniball.com