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Fat Geeky Guy’s Wifi Fast Food Challenge

Where should you download while you carbo-load?

Besides keeping the diabetes industry in full swing, many fast food restaurants provide a vital new service: free Wifi - but which chain holds the title of the fastest fast food Wifi? Here’s the roundup for all the restaurants I tested (Yes, Maxim pays me to eat fast food – they hate me):

Starbucks

Photo by Fat Geeky Guy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Food: Expensive, fancy and often unpronounceable.
Wifi: Hotter wifi than their lava-like coffee. This is your best bet for streaming that Adele concert you missed. I wonder if she sang that song about getting dumped but being completely okay with it. She’s just unlucky in love, I suppose. I wonder if she’ll be at Wendy’s when I stop by there later. No, this isn’t a weight joke. It’s a well-known fact she loves Frostys. I think I read it in Spin before they went out of business. (Or maybe it was Blender.)
Calories: 1,260
Speed: 5.5 Mbps

McDonalds

Photo by Fat Geeky Guy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Food:  When is the McRib going to earn a permanent position on the menu? After my large #1, I needed to take a larger #2 and was barely able to us use the WiFi in the bathroom.
Wifi: Surprisingly speedy and a close 2nd to Starbucks.
Calories: 1,853
Speed: 2.3 Mbps

Burger King

Photo by Fat Geeky Guy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Food: Just like McDonalds, only “different.”
Wifi: The chicken tenders move faster than the Wifi.
Calories: 1,960
Speed: 0.72 Mbps

Panera Bread

Photo by Fat Geeky Guy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Food: Like an old folks home with hip carpet and warm bread and lots of soup.
Wifi: Amazingly slow...like an old folks home. Although after eating all those carbs, I barely noticed.
Calories: 1,830
Speed: 0.23 Mbps

Taco Bell

Photo by Fat Geeky Guy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Food: If you’re in Taco bell and you’re not drunk, you’ve made a series of bad, but utterly delectable, life choices.
Wifi: At these prices, it doesn’t really matter, does it?
Calories: 1,580
Speed: 0.49 Mbps

 

BONUS: Places where the only Wifi is your imagination.


KFC
Food: Finger licking good. My iPad looks like a grease finger painting. At least more than usual.
Wifi: No, but the bucket comes in handy as a hat, especially if you’re a short-lived Guns N’ Roses guitar player.
Calories: 1,860
Speed: 0 Mbps

Wendy’s
Food: Baconator: don't eat when women are present. Unless it’s Adele. Then, every time you put it down between bites, she’ll adorably ask “Are you gonna finish that?”
Wifi: We had more luck trying to communicate with Dave Thomas’ ghost than getting a Wifi signal. (Too soon?)
Calories: 2,220
Speed: 0 Mbps

White Castle

Photo by Fat Geeky Guy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Food: No Wifi, but who cares? Belly Bombers! Where else can you order food items that come in a briefcase and have a comma in the calorie count?
Calories: 2,580
Speed: 0 Mbps

Photo by Fat Geeky Guy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Have a question for our resident Fat Geeky Guy? Need help picking a laptop? Want to know what “HTTP” means? Trouble deciding which VCR is right for you? Contact him at fatgeekyguy@maxim.com or leave your techy questions in the comments below. Follow him on Twitter (@FatGeekyGuy) and on Facebook.

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