In honor of Indiana Jones and the
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (opening today) I decided that I would eat
nothing but Indiana Jones-branded foods all day. Breakfast, lunch, and
dinner. There will be no time for love, Dr. Jones, because I have a
digestive system I need to strain to its breaking point.
For breakfast, I started out with the official Indiana Jones cereal. Essentially bargain basement Cocoa Puffs, the Indy cereal also had some of the vaguest cereal marshmallows I've ever seen:
That brown thing on the far left is, according to the box, "Indy's Hat." Next to it, a "Crystal Skull." So far, I can see it. No problem. But the next thing is NOT actually fossilized cheese but "The Temple of Akator." Yep, that bulbous hunk of maize is a "temple" allegedly made of gold. You might think the next one is "Temple of Akator Stuffed into Indy's Hat" or, as I hoped, "Blonde Russian," but it is, in fact, a "torch." So there you have it. Let's dig in.
Not bad, really. Not great. But not bad. My self-esteem-boosting bowl agrees.
Next up, I had Eggo Toaster Sticks branded with an Indiana Jones DVD giveaway offer.
This is me wishing they made an Indiana Jones Maple Syrup, because these things were bland and dry. But at least I didn't feel like throwing up yet, so I count myself ahead.
For lunch, I splurged on some Indiana Jones-branded Cheddar Jack Cheez-Its and a Dr. Pepper in a limited edition Indy can. If a taste combination could ever be named "Middle America," it's this. As comforting as a hug from an obese aunt.
Around mid-afternoon, I indulged in some special edition Indiana Jones mint M&Ms and a Snickers "Adventure Bar." The M&Ms are a superb palette-cleanser, but they're essentially mint M&Ms. Nothing to write a blog about. However, this isn't your average Snickers, despite the presence of chocolate, caramel, nouget, and nuts. I let it roll around the tongue and I detect hints of coconut and spice. Well played, Snickers.
Just in time for dinner, when the culinary equivalent of the Raiders of the Lost Ark boulder headed right for my colon.
The Burger King Indy Whopper—Two beef patties, tomatoes, onions, pepper jack cheese (obviously, nothing says "globe-trotting archeologist like the jack), and not one, but TWO kinds of mayo: Regular and "cajun." I don't know if Indy's ever been to New Orleans and neither does Burger King, but do you see us giving a shit?
It went down smooth, like trying to stuff a wet chihuahua into a garden hose. My heart hurts. If Mola Ram could reach in and tear it out, I think it'd save both of us years of headache.
After a few more mint M&Ms and a Temple Of Doom Mine Cart-esque bathroom experience, I put an end to my Indiana Jones eating adventure. Now it's off to the theater to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Who wants popcorn?
For breakfast, I started out with the official Indiana Jones cereal. Essentially bargain basement Cocoa Puffs, the Indy cereal also had some of the vaguest cereal marshmallows I've ever seen:
That brown thing on the far left is, according to the box, "Indy's Hat." Next to it, a "Crystal Skull." So far, I can see it. No problem. But the next thing is NOT actually fossilized cheese but "The Temple of Akator." Yep, that bulbous hunk of maize is a "temple" allegedly made of gold. You might think the next one is "Temple of Akator Stuffed into Indy's Hat" or, as I hoped, "Blonde Russian," but it is, in fact, a "torch." So there you have it. Let's dig in.
Next up, I had Eggo Toaster Sticks branded with an Indiana Jones DVD giveaway offer.
This is me wishing they made an Indiana Jones Maple Syrup, because these things were bland and dry. But at least I didn't feel like throwing up yet, so I count myself ahead.
For lunch, I splurged on some Indiana Jones-branded Cheddar Jack Cheez-Its and a Dr. Pepper in a limited edition Indy can. If a taste combination could ever be named "Middle America," it's this. As comforting as a hug from an obese aunt.
Around mid-afternoon, I indulged in some special edition Indiana Jones mint M&Ms and a Snickers "Adventure Bar." The M&Ms are a superb palette-cleanser, but they're essentially mint M&Ms. Nothing to write a blog about. However, this isn't your average Snickers, despite the presence of chocolate, caramel, nouget, and nuts. I let it roll around the tongue and I detect hints of coconut and spice. Well played, Snickers.
OK, I was a little ill at this point.
Just in time for dinner, when the culinary equivalent of the Raiders of the Lost Ark boulder headed right for my colon.
The Burger King Indy Whopper—Two beef patties, tomatoes, onions, pepper jack cheese (obviously, nothing says "globe-trotting archeologist like the jack), and not one, but TWO kinds of mayo: Regular and "cajun." I don't know if Indy's ever been to New Orleans and neither does Burger King, but do you see us giving a shit?
It went down smooth, like trying to stuff a wet chihuahua into a garden hose. My heart hurts. If Mola Ram could reach in and tear it out, I think it'd save both of us years of headache.
After a few more mint M&Ms and a Temple Of Doom Mine Cart-esque bathroom experience, I put an end to my Indiana Jones eating adventure. Now it's off to the theater to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Who wants popcorn?