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Sausage Fest

Main ingredients: Veal, garlic, pepper
How to cook: Grill this white wiener, which is a Bavarian beer hall staple. Serve on potato bun with spicy brown mustard. Tastes best when wearing lederhosen.

BOERWURST (South Africa/Holland)
Main ingredients: Beef, pork, coriander, vinegar
How to cook: Grill it. Slice it. Mix with fettuccine Alfredo and realize this is the one good thing the Dutch did for South Africa.

Main ingredients: Venison, pepper, mustard seed, dried or smoked
How to cook: Don’t, jerk-ass! It’s already cooked. Serve cold on crackers with French’s yellow mustard.

Main ingredients: Veal, pork, garlic, cumin
How to cook: Split these lengthwise and grill. Add to an omelet, or just bun and gun into your gullet with grilled onions and sweet mustard.

Main ingredients: Smoked pork and garlic
How to cook: Brown it. Place in bun. Pile on sauerkraut. Scarf. Do not speak to a woman until you brush your teeth for at least 45 minutes.

Grill sausages 15 minutes on a low gas flame or indirect heat (the grill’s less-hot corners, scorch boy). Never poke with a fork: It lets juice—which cooks the inside—escape, screams Ely. Hey, Ely, relax man. It’s just sausage, for chrissakes.