User menu

Main menu

Survive the Barbecue from Hell!

Survive the Barbecue from Hell!

1. First, get diesel.
The best defense is a good offense. Tack on some shorts-worthy muscle to your chicken sticks with the ultimate leg-blasting workout from Mark Toorock, founder of American Parkour.

2. When bears attack!
First, don’t eyeball it. To a bear, direct eye contact is akin to kicking Kimbo in the shins. Try backing away. Never run; it loves ¿a chase. If it charges, tee off on its nose. When that ¿fails and it’s maulin’ time, cover your head, go limp, and play dead till you are.

3. Downplay a drunk.
Backyard bashes are all fun and games until your unemployed uncle whizzes in the neighbor’s kiddie pool. If a known glug-glug guy develops a glassy glare, give him a task to do. It’ll pluck him from planet weirdo, and he’ll rejoin humanity.

4. Stop. Heimlich time.
If a gluttonous guest gets a brat lodged in his gullet, do the Heimlich: Reach around from behind. Make a fist above his navel with your dominant hand. Wrap other hand around it, tucking in your thumbs.Pull in and up with quick upward thrusts. Call 911.

5. Protect your neck.
We don’t want to hear why you wore a deep V-neck tee (i.e., doucheneck) to a BBQ. We assume you borrowed it under duress. To avoid compounding the D-factor with a deep-V tan line, remove visor from head, place around neck, and over V. Phew!

6. Get fired up.
Avoid a lifetime of painting on your eyebrows by limiting your lighter fluid pour to three seconds for an average stack of coals. After tossing on the match, leave the blaze uncovered till the briquettes begin to gray. Now you’re ready for the meat, man.

7. Slip ‘n’ die.
Here’s how to reset a dislocated shoulder, post- Slip ’N Slide: With your workable hand, grab the now-lifeless forearm and ease it up and over your head, reaching toward the other shoulder, and it’ll pop it back in. Now quit screaming and hit the E.R.

8. Finger-blasted.
When an M-80 blows off a finger, you already know the loose nub needs to be on ice fast. But to up your chances of having the nerves reattached, too, first wrap the chunk in a saline-soaked towel. The tissues and nerves should now survive six hours.

9. Jart jam.
When a lawn dart jabs into the neck meat of a guest, don’t pull it out, no matter how freaky it looks or how loud the shrieks. Remember, this joy toy ¿is now a plug. Send your annoying uncle with her in the ambulance. Next, step: Call your attorney.

10. Can of whoop-ass.
Pounding beers in the sun is summer. But it dehydrates, which makes you pass out, allowing pals to draw sunblock penises on your face. Gulp lots of H2O and eat protein (beans, burgers). This’ll help you retain water and gives you something to barf.