I don't fly very often, but every time I do I make sure to swipe the copy of SkyMall out of my seatback pocket. In case you aren't familiar, SkyMall is a free catalog provided by the airlines in the hopes that passengers will get silly enough on recycled oxygen to spend their hard-earned dollars on lots of Brookstone-grade crap. There is a lot of nonsense in there that real gadget freaks will scoff at, but there is just no excuse to buy any of these eight gizmos no matter how many tiny bottles of liquor you've had between here and Tulsa.
8. The Hidden Litter Box $129
Attention cat people: If an animal regularly craps in your house, it's going to smell bad no matter how fancy your litter box is. This planter/crapper hides your cat's business in a decorative pot. That way when you have guests over, they'll just think you bought a plant that grows cat crap instead of fruit.
7. T-Rex Dinosaur Trophy Wall Sculpture $98.95
At first I assumed this thing is meant for little kids' rooms, but the fact that it costs a hundred bucks and weighs 10-pounds—that's more than enough to smash open the head of a 5 year old if it were to fall off the wall—make me think otherwise. If you think this is any better than those singing fish, you're dead wrong.
6. Caddie Cooler $29.99
Anyone that has ever hauled a set of clubs around for 18 holes in the middle of July knows that hydration is essential, but carrying 48-ounces of liquid in a stupid 3-wood shaped dispenser isn't better than just throwing a few Gatorades in your bag. The worst part is that it's shaped like a left-handed club, which would make it look ridiculous in my bag full of righties.
5. Orbitar Electronic Listening Device $59.99
That has to be the worst "secret surveillance device" I have ever seen. Even if you forget the fact that it's the size of a bull horn and every bit as conspicuous, the $60 price tag suggests that it's not James Bond-quality. I shudder to think who is seeing this thing mid-flight and saying, "that will make stalking and, subsequently, murdering the person with whom I'm currently obsessed much easier. Thanks SkyMall!"
4. SkyRest Pillow $29.99
When you're crammed into a tiny airplane seat, trying desperately to find a position in which you can sleep without waking up completely paralyzed, this product might seem like a great idea. But when you realize that you'd have to drag that big, stupid thing with you on your whole trip, it will make those terrible airline pillows seem a little less terrible.
3. The Remote Controlled Beverage Buggy $49.99
There is undeniable utility in those hats that hold beers on your head, but this remote-controlled dune buggy is decidedly less helpful. Even if you drive it over to the fridge, someone has to be there to load the drinks into the stupid thing. Plus, the fridge has to be within eyeshot, so it seems like you could save yourself $50 by just yelling over to the person near the fridge to bring you a brew.
2. The World's Largets Crossword Puzzle $30
I only know two kinds of people that do crossword puzzles: Young people who want, desperately, to look smarter than they are and old people who think it will keep them from eventually forgetting where they live or how to put on pants. The only way this puzzle could possibly be any fun is if you taped it in a doorway and blasted through it like a high school football team.
1. X5 Hair Lazer $300
For guys, going bald can be really embarrassing, but there's no way it's more embarrassing than sitting at home rubbing a $300 lazer all over your scalp, begging it to make you feel like a man again. I'm going to try rubbing my lazer mouse all over my head to see if it will give me hair like Heather Locklear.