Phillips HF3490 Wake-Up Light iPod Deck
$180
The only thing harsher than waking up next to a sobbing clown is waking up next to a beeping alarm that won’t quit. You can set this clock’s soft white light to increase gradually, waking you gently over the course of a half-hour. Of course, it plays sound too-—nature sounds, radio, or Motörhead MP3s (our vote).
Mypressi Twist
$169
$169
Shotgunning a whole cup of coffee is about as pleasurable as an enema. Get the caffeine but save time (and your colon) with this portable espresso maker. Easier to clean and cooler than a tabletop press, the Twist uses a tiny N2O cartridge for the force needed to extract a concentrated dose of liquid crack.
Fusion Power Shave Set
$150
$150
This battery-powered razor is high-tech and old-school. Avoid pesky stubble patches using the push-button light in the handle. Micro-pulses reduce nicks, and the Art of Shaving’s fancy after-shave (included) keeps your face from getting as irritated as a drunken hobo.
Wii Fit Plus
$100
$100
Personal trainers are for soccer moms and meatheads. Convert your living room into a private athletic arcade with Nintendo’s upgraded Wii fitness game. With custom workouts, you can target specific goals, like actually leaving the house one day.
Vapir NO2 Vaporizer
$150
$150
Nothing cures a hangover like a good old wake ’n’ bake to start the day. We mean waking up and baking a cake, of course. Anyway, we have no idea what you would use this rechargeable handheld aromatherapy vaporizer with a digital display for.