Check out these power tool-wielding girls who bring new meaning to the words "home improvement."
The Next Level, November 2013
Did your last girlfriend dump your ass due to your crooked ways? Perhaps it’s time you invested in the 48-inch Irwin Tools 2550 Magnetic Box Beam Level. Its thick-walled, high-grade aluminum frame and shock-absorbing rubber end caps will help you straighten out, for sure, and keep your lady from getting bent out of shape. This lightweight tool is truly on the level. (OK, think we’re out of puns now.) $90, amazon.com
Thar She Blows, October 2013
Think it’s possible for us to tell you about a leaf blower without making a single X-rated reference? We doubt it, but let’s try: The Black & Decker LH4500 12 Amp Two-Speed Electric LeafHog Blower is a three-in-one blower, vacuum, and mulcher that’ll help keep your yard neat and tidy. It’s got a 240 mph blowing speed, a zippered leaf bag, and a two-speed switch for enhanced control…which is important when you’re attempting to carry out a thorough blow job. Damn it! $65, amazon.com
Swat Team, September 2013
Ah, the great outdoors. The sun shines, the beer flows…and millions of insects want to feast on your blood. Well, the joke’s on them. With Homebrite’s Zap-a-Bug, the tiny jerks don’t stand a chance. This electrocuting racket ends their pathetic lives with the simple push of a button. And, happily, its nonslip rubber handle and safety switch ensure that you won’t zap any of your own gnat-size body parts. $20, Sears.com
Whack Job, May 2013
Has a pretty lady ever told you that you’d get more action if you trimmed things up a bit? Well, she was most likely talking about your unruly lawn edges. The three-in-one WORX 20V Max Lithium 2.0 GT Trimmer-Edger-Mini-Mower is lightweight, easy to use, and has a super-long battery life, so getting your yard looking as sharp as Andre 3000’s facial hair should be a breeze. And remember, if you keep the grass neatly groomed, your lawn ornaments will look way bigger. $120, worx.com
Leave It To Cleaver, April 2013
You know that old question about a woodchuck chucking wood? Well, we still don’t know the answer, but we do know that if said woodchuck owned a Woodman’s Pal Military Premium machete, he’d be tearing through that shit in seconds. Popular with forestry and agriculture pros thanks to its compact frame and superior cutting ability, it has a blade that can amputate tree branches in a single stroke. Wood, you’ve met your match.
Looking to screw around for a bit? Then you definitely don’t want to be caught without your tool. The Craftsman Nine-Drawer Heavy-Duty Ball-Bearing Tool Storage Combo is one massive, beautiful, lust-worthy chest, hefty enough to handle your junk. Each drawer can take a load of 50 pounds (that’s roughly equal to one Olsen twin or 200 illegally harvested adult kidneys), so you can safely fill it to the brim with handful upon handful of your nuts and bolts. Time to get drillin’!
Wrench Warmers, January/February 2013
When a lady wants to see your pipe spanner, do you shrink in inadequacy? Well, we’ve got good news, Tiny Tim! Made for serious plumbing jobs in the oil and farm industries (that applies to you, right?), the Ridgid 60-inch straight pipe wrench turns more than heads. It’s comparable in size to a large child—five feet—with jaws bigger than a pit bull’s. Your pipes will be crying for mercy when they feel its serrated wrath, and you’ll be the envy of your less-well-endowed pals.
Get Smashed, September 2012
Who needs doorbells when you’ve got this indestructible 20-pound door knocker? It’s the Wilton Unbreakable B.A.S.H. (as in Bad Ass Sledge Hammer), and it will put some serious hurt on wood, concrete, and metal. Inside the handle are six steel rods that thread through the core of the sledge’s head. The thing is so rugged, Wilton is offering $1,000 to anyone who can break it. We’ll get around to trying as soon as we recover from the hernia we got just from lifting it.
The Bush Cuts, April 2012
VIDEO: The Bush Cuts
Is your bush overgrown? Introduce yourself to the Ryobi Lithium-Ion 40V Cordless Hedge Trimmer. This shrub-shredder runs off a super-powerful battery that fuels a 24-inch dual-action blade, making it easy to chop off or shape excess growth. (May we suggest a herd of Edward Scissorhands–style dinosaurs, or better yet, a Shining–inspired hedge maze?) And because it’s battery-powered, it’s super quiet and there are no nasty fumes to make your head spin. The only downside: It’s super quiet and there are no nasty fumes to make your head spin.
Snow Biz, January 2012
VIDEO: Karyna And Her Snow Shovel
Did you know that snow-shovel-related injuries land more than 100,000 people in the ER every year? Yep, turns out lifting and tossing the white stuff is seriously dangerous business—what with the combination of slippery surfaces, bad backs, and exhausting manual labor. By subbing out the dumping motion for a pushing one (you’re basically a human plow), the Garant YPSS26U Yukon 27½-inch Ergonomic Sleigh Shovel clears driveways faster than old-fangled shovels, cuts down the chance you’ll end up a cold-weather casualty, and makes it easy to build the most awesome snow fort ever.
Hot Wheel, November 2011
The wheelbarrow dates back to ancient Greece—and that’s roughly how long guys have been falling ass-backward while maneuvering these clumsy cargo carriers. The problem: While a typical barrow’s straight handle may be fine for pushing your precious payload ahead, it can be a pain when it comes to taking a dump or dropping a load (from the wheelbarrow, that is). The Ames True Temper Total Control Wheelbarrow pops out the old bicycle-style handlebars in favor of spacious, comfortable, and oh-so-grippy loops, making it easy to hold steady when carrying, raising, and unloading even the heaviest hauls. These are some curves we can definitely get behind.
VIDEO: Sexy Amanda Wheels Us Away
Chop Shop, October 2011
The Worx JawSaw may not look like a chain saw, but it sure works like one. Wrap its toothy maw around a firm piece of wood and a quick squeeze of the trigger causes the spinning blade to emerge like Gene Simmons’ tongue, dismembering the branch with a satisfying flurry of sawdust and sound. Bonus: An optional telescoping handle lets lazy landscapers reach up as high as 12 feet for ladderless aerial chopping. It’s like hiring Mister Fantastic to take care of your yard.
Clamp Stamp, September 2011
Don’t let slippage ruin your day in the shed. Often you need to clamp something down before you can wrestle it into submission. This is especially true with 2x4s. That’s why any man worth his wood needs the Kreg Klamp Table. It sports a sweet pair of bench clamps that ride along tracks built into the side of the 21"x33" worktable to satisfy all your grabby needs. Carpenters, you are about to have your hottest bondage session ever.
Whip It Good, August 2011
Most weed whackers run on a mix of oil and gasoline, which makes Captain Planet cry tears of glacier water. Because the Fiskars SmartPower Propane 4-Cycle Trimmer is fueled by canisters of clean-burning propane, it effectively combines our twin interests: destroying Mother Gaia (the 25 cc engine pumps out 40 percent more weed-destroying power than electric trimmers) and loving Mother Gaia (its exhaust beats EPA emissions standards for carbon monoxide by 75 percent). And unlike its oil-chugging brethren, this whipper-snipper doesn’t require priming, choking, and stroking to get started. But it still whacks just fine. (Weeds, that is.)
Wet Hot American Summer, July 2011
Shock and awe your neighbors with the Nelson Fireman’s Style High-Flow Nozzle. With 300 percent more water flow than a standard spigot, the Nelson delivers H2O at a garden-destroying 250 psi. Laugh maniacally as you wield your die-cast-zinc water cannon against friend, foe, and flower alike. Tame the beast with the solid metal restrictor valve or simply use the adjustable spray pattern to lessen the aqua torrent… if you hate freedom.
Blades of Glory, June 2011
For those of us who don’t have mystical command of an army of hedge-clipping garden gnomes, lawn work can be a tedious necessity of suburban existence. Hay fever, crushing boredom, rabid neighborhood dogs—all threats to the modern mowing man. While the TB350 XP self-propelled mower from Troy-Bilt won’t curb that pooch problem, its S-shaped steel blade will crush your crabgrass conundrum. And the variable transmission hooked to a 175 cc Briggs & Stratton engine can push this yard beast to an impressive top speed of 3.5 mph. Plus, you’ll free yourself from bag duty with a 2.3-bushel rear clippings container. All that’s missing are some sweet spinners for the 11-inch rear wheels. Dirty South rappers, that’s your cue.
Rolling Thunder, May 2011
Perhaps historians will look back at 2011, when, in our innocence, we believed the RapidRoller from Black & Decker represented nothing more than the smartest paint-application device the world had ever seen, a refillable roller that freed humanity from the tyranny of trays dripping with painty goo. That its three-position swivel arm merely allowed users to work difficult corners. That its kickstand was just a bonus that removed the fear of where to rest the roller during much-needed sandwich and porn breaks. We couldn’t possibly know that it was, in fact, the first salvo of the impending tool apoca-lypse. Or that the rollers had started…thinking. But screw it, robot Armageddon or not, this sucker is sweet!
Dig This! March 2011
"Ditchdigger" is widely accepted shorthand for "crappy job," but that might not be the case if more members of the profession got their mitts on the Jackson J-250 Kodiak Round Point Shovel with Titanium Xtra. A sturdy 48-inch North American ash handle leads down to a commercial-grade 14-gauge carbon-steel blade that boasts a forward-turned step for reliable foot placement. Even better, that blade is reinforced with titanium (the next best thing to adamantium, comic book nerds) for durability, toughness, and truly glorious sod busting. So, yeah, this puppy makes shoveling fun. Now if only the same could be said of, you know, your actual crappy job.
$25, jackson professional.com
Strong Finish, February 2011
Problem: During extended home improvement benders, too much hammering can drive your overworked muscles straight to sore city. Solution: the Bostitch GFN1564K 15-gauge finish nailer, a semiautomatic striker that will have you wasting wainscoting, conquering crown molding, and housing hardwood cabinets, all before lunch. This 4.2- pound magnesium masterpiece is more than just a brute beater. An adjustable depth guide can precisely control how deep you’re nailing; oil-free operation ensures you won’t leave stains behind; and a lockout function even prevents misfires. Only after you’ve nailed all the trim in the house will they be able to pull this gun from your warm, not overly fatigued hands.
Higher Ground, January 2011
It’s hard to get excited about a ladder. But, dammit, Little Giant Ladder’s Select Step just slays us. User-friendly locks make it easy to adjust the A-frame from five feet to eight or shorten one side so you can get right up next to a wall. A large platform, the Comfort Step, is reassuring, rather than terrifying, to stand on. The top-mountable AirDeck surface features slots for tools, plus a magnetic strip to hold nuts, bolts, and screws, and also functions as a safety bar. And to move it, all you do is tip and roll. Men have been known to fall for Japanese body pillows. We wouldn’t blame anyone for an obsession with hot steps.
Snow Wonder, December 2010
Coming in from the cold to recline next to your lady and warm yourself by a crackling fire is a tempting thought. Unless you’re doing so because your driveway’s buried, you couldn’t escape if you tried, and your lady is Kathy Bates. Either way, life’s better with the Cub Cadet 528 SWE snow thrower. Sure, it rocks a 357 cc, four-cycle OHV engine, a 28-inch clearing width, and six forward and two reverse speeds. But its killer feature is called Posi-Steerpull a trigger to make unprecedented zero-degree turns, maneuver smoothly, and huck the fluffy stuff faster than ever before. Because as soon as the driveway’s clear, you can get back to writing those novels your lady loves so much.
Lumber Jacked, November 2010
You may not share our dream of winning the Hot Saw competition at the Lumberjack World Championships and spending the next five years fighting off jean- shorts-wearing groupies (some of them female!). But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a top-notch chain saw like the Stihl MS 280. At less than 12 pounds, it’s light enough to tote around the yard, yet its 2.7-kilowatt engine gives the chain plenty of bite. And thanks to a handy microprocessor, it constantly adjusts the fuel-air mixture for optimum efficiency in all conditions. That means you can pull the cord and clear-cut your neighbor’s intruding branches with reckless abandon. Can’t you smell the glory now? (Hint: It smells like gasoline.)
Blown Away, October 2010
Those who think all leaf blowers are created equal clearly have not met the Craftsman C3 19.2-Volt Cordless Blower. We know what you’re thinking: Can you really meet an inanimate object? That’s deep. We can only tell you that while this black beauty weighs just 6.5 pounds—meaning no goofy Ghostbusters-style backpack—its high-velocity nozzle blows air at 140 miles per hour!That’s more than enough artificial wind to dispense with any grass, leaves, or stray cats that dare invade your property. It might even lift the skirts, à la Marilyn Monroe, of any nubile passersby. Hey, get your mind out of the gutter! But while you’re there, could you use the C3 to blast those leaves out, too?
Drill, Baby, Drill! September 2010
One of the worst things that can happen when you're engaged in heavy-duty drilling and screwing is fatigue. Thankfully, the new DeWalt DCD760KL drill/driver is specifically designed to avoid such a problem. At a compact 8.2 inches, this unit can slip into tight areas and at a feathery four pounds, it won't tire you out when you're working from below. But don't let the size fool you--a contractor-grade 18-volt motor packs the power to tackle tough jobs. An LED illuminates dark spaces, and the lithium-ion batteries charge up in just half an hour. So even when you're exhausted, your tool will be ready and rarin' to go.
Perfectly Ripped, August 2010
A true master of wood has zero tolerance for coarse, crude cuts made made by inferior instruments. Unfortunately, modern, machine-made handsaws give a man just that. And who wants to look like a hack? That's why we're enamored of the Wenzioff & Sons Disston Panel Saw, a fine, crosscutting confection crafted in true 1890s style by a five-person workshop in Forest Grove, Oregon. This badass blade is made from high tensile spring steel married to a Swiss pear wood handle and performs clean, precision cuts thanks to its taper-ground form. Use it to fell your neighbor's view-killing trees, and instead of taking offense, they may just compliment your strikingly beautiful implement.