Speak softly and carry a HUGELY UNFAIR GUN
11. Weapon: Pistol
Game: Halo: Combat Evolved
AKA The Hand Cannon, Halo’s inaugural sidearm was a bruiser. Deadly from both long and short ranges, the pistol was preferable to almost every other gun in the game...which is why Bungie nerfed it in every Halo since.
10. Weapon: Weather Control Device
Game: Red Alert 2
Infinitely more powerful than the nukes it was created to counter, RA2’s Weather Machine was an anomaly of gaming weaponry. Able to take out an entire armored war factory, but not the smallest turret, the Weather Machine’s lightning storms were as counterintuitive as they were an unfair advantage.
9. Weapon: Experimental MIRV (Eight Nuke Launcher)
Game: Fallout 3
Having the power of a nuke on your shoulder is badass. Having eight of them folded into a single shot is completely unnecessary. Inefficient, expensive and hard to aim, the MIRV could blow enemies’ bodies to the upper limits of Fallout’s universe...because that’s important.
8. Weapon: The Golden Gun
Goldeneye’s FPS multiplayer was a great game to play with friends...until someone found the Golden Gun. One-shot kills meant your douchiest friend would hide in a corner and then blindly fire into the pile up, “earning” three kills with three bullets. Also earned? A real-life slap for being a dick.
7. Weapon: BFG 9000
Game: Doom 3
Bio Force Gun? Bullshit. Big Fucking Gun sounds much better. Upgraded from its Doom counterpart, the BFG 9000 in Doom 3 allowed four levels of charging that, when maxed out, would not only blow a hole in anything it hit but might even kill you if your victim was too close. You want collateral damage? The BFG will give you collateral damage.
6. Weapon: The Gamebreaker
Game: NBA Street: Homecourt
We haven’t seen weapons in sports since The Last Boy Scout but NBA Street: Homecourt’s Gamebreaker is a weapon of mass-frustration. Fill up your meter and activate the Gamebreaker, and your next basket can be worth 6 unfair points. Being slapped with a Gamebreaker felt like getting stabbed with a prison shiv.
5. Weapon: The Tactical Nuke
Game: COD: Modern Warfare 2
Getting a nuke in MW2 wasn’t easy. 25 kills in a row is a lofty goal but once you get it, killing everyone and winning the round for your team - regardless of whether your team was losing before the nuke went off - would have even Zen Buddhists shaking their fists.
4. Weapon: Hammer
Game: Super Smash Brothers
Lifted from the original Donkey Kong, the hammer in Smash Bros dealt a whopping 22% damage per blow during the almost 10-seconds you wielded it. If you couldn’t finish off an opponent in that span, you suck at life, and we’re going to mug you because you’re weak.
3. Weapon: The RYNO
Game: Ratchet and Clank
Similar to Fallout’s MIRV, the RYNO (Rip You a New One) blasted multiple missiles in a single shot. Unlike the MIRV, the missiles fired by the RYNO weren’t just devastating, they were also heat-seeking and rapid-fire. So, basically, they required no skill whatsoever, just like Olympic Curling.
2. Weapon: Blue Shell
Game: Mariokart 64
You’ve out-maneuvered your friends and the AI, patiently held onto a highly strategic red-shell, about to cross the line for a first place finish when - bam - some jerk at the ass-end of the pack drops a blue shell on you, earning you fifth place. The only weapon in this list that not only requires zero skill to obtain, the blue shell was actually a reward for the worst player on the track and felt like Miyamoto-san personally kicked you in the balls. Domo arigato, you sadistic bastard.
1. Weapon: The Banhammer
Game: Xbox Live
If you’ve personally encountered the Banhammer, you probably deserved it. Originally used by Microsoft to weed out modders on Xbox Live, when the hammer drops, you can say goodbye to that gamertag you liked so much and so long to online multiplayer. Like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, at least a handful of people were wrongfully convicted and felt the wrath of the Banhammer, making it both the most powerful and, in some instances, the most unfair weapon in all of gaming.