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Ask Jess, Dammit! Vol. 1: Who Dares Question Wonder-Chobot? (You Do!)

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Welcome to all you love-lorn and befuddled folks to the very first installation of, Ask Jess, Dammit! A blatant, somewhat painful, but always amusing advice column full of Great Justice (and great advice if I do say so myself. And I do).

And while this is supposed to be a column about dating, that doesn’t mean that I won’t answer questions that I find interesting and which have absolutely nothing to do with how to convince someone to sleep with you, so feel free to send in any queries you like (maximaskjessica@gmail.com) as long as they don’t suck.

I’ve always been a big believer that, if you’re going to start something you had best do it with panache, thus I have chosen the first letter as the “Let’s just jump in head first into the deep end of the pool and see what happens, yeah?”


IT 'SPAINS ME TO TELL YOU THIS...

Q: Hey Chobot girl! We are two pals from Spain. We only want you to know that for us, you are something like a far, far, horizon, a long trip to make before going to bed, 'cause you force our nightmares to be calm under the bed, we mean, the gaming world and magazines in Spain is so terrible that we can’t stand still so one day we started looking for something good outside and we found You.

 

With you we have the sweet feeling of knowing that somebody is doing it the right way, and what a way! Natural, soft, smart, and sweet but always eloquent and maybe crazy; funny and cute with nice hobbies.

 

One of us, Charles, is a game programmer and he is developing the story line of his own RPG and, for the female character, he is being inspired by you. So, the question is...¿If you were a character of any, any game, comic, or novel, what kind of weapon would you like to use? Except the whip of Wonder Woman (haha) and also, what special abilities would you love to have?

 

The other guy, Ernie, says the next: Since it is possible that we three go to Colony, we could look for a concert, festival, or a nice pub with music we three like, so his question is the next, ¿what music kind would you love to find in Colony?

Hope you might not consider it a bold proposal, and we hope you go to the gamescon this year too, 'cause we're going.

 

Overall, we hope that you have found our cocktail of hobbies questions at least entertaining, that way we could give you back the nice moments we pass reading yours.

 

So long Mrs. Wonder-Chobot, see you at the gamescon :),

Carlos and Ernie

 

JESS: If I were a superhero I would chose Wonder Woman’s magic lasso (it’s not a whip). Since you have already banned that as one of my options then I’m left with no other choice but to pick something along the lines of a grenade or missile launcher or maybe even some type of Fat Boy contraption like they have in Fallout 3. I enjoy explosion and setting things on fire.

 

Hmmm… special abilities, eh? I’m definitely NOT choosing the flying option. That’s such a fallback ability for superheroes. I suppose some sort of psychic manipulation ala: Jean Grey/Phoenix would be cool. I’ve always thought that messing with people mentally and emotionally is a LOT more powerful than limiting it just to pure physicality. Also, since we’re on the subject I think Rogue and Jubilee are stupid. Gambit kind of sucks too. That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it!

 

As for Ernie’s question, I have no idea what “Colony” is. I’ve always supposed that a colony is a territory under immediate control by a state.  However, your usage of the word implies that my assumption is off-based and you are aware of some other mysterious form of colony. Whichever colony you might be referencing one thing that is obvious to me is that, in some form or another, music shall be involved. If that is indeed the case, then I choose: The Best of Siouxsie and the Banshees, Muse and a variety of '80s synth-pop.

 

(PS: Sadly, I don’t think I will be attending Gamescon this year. Since my country is in the midst of a depression (although not nearly as bad as Iceland), IGN has cut back on our travel/expo costs. My apologies. I would love to see Spain one of these days).


 


THEY EVEN WANT OUR ONE PERCENT?! 

Q: Dear Jessica,

I have a gamer geek boyfriend that I love and want to marry some day. 99% of the time it works well because I also am a geek…just not a gamer geek. I think he spends too much time at the computer or game consoles and not with me. How do I get him to walk away for a few hours without the bribe of (censored).  I try to sit and watch him play games just to be with him, but I tend to fall asleep.

—Tiff

 

JESS:  Oh Tiff. Your question leaves my heart torn in two. On one half, my gamer half (sometimes I refer to it as “my better half”), I can totally empathize with your boyfriend’s desire to "reach just one more save point." The other half, the girly/romantic half, completely gets where you’re coming from. It’s never fun to be pushed aside by the one you love, even if it’s not a conscious decision or on purpose.

 

As for my advice, since I’m not really sure just how much time your BF spends in front of his various gaming apparatus and since you do say that it’s great 99% of the time, then I’m leaning slightly towards the side of your boyfriend. 99% of awesome in any relationship is a pretty damn good number. I’ve only had one relationship in my life (out of many) where I would rate it a 99%, and even then, there are times where that number has wavered. With that, I say, try to be patient. If it doesn’t improve or things really start to get on your nerves then pipe up and, in a nice and non-accusatory tone, sit him down, tell him how much you care about him and the relationship and then explain in logical terms why it is you’re feeling slighted. DO NOT go all emotionally haywire on him! Guys don’t respond to that. He’ll immediately get defensive and tune you out and in the end you’ll wind up looking like some psycho girlfriend with security issues.

You and I both know that you ARE NOT that girl, but guys are always wary about those type of reactions and are quick to latch onto those emotional outbursts as excuses for not taking your concerns seriously.

 

If, after all of that, he still doesn’t take the hint then start withholding "(censored)".


SEX HAPPENS...IN COLLEGE? CRAP.
Q:
  First of all, you told me a couple weeks back on Facebook that you didn't think you'd be returning to an advice column, so I'm really glad you were wrong, because I've had a burning question for awhile:


A girl I work with whom I'm pretty good friends with told me I have a reputation of being a "man-whore". Now I go to college in a pretty small town, so people's reputations spread pretty fast. I don't think one is fair at all. I mean sure, its college, so sex happens...often. But, I always call the girls afterwards....well, most of the time. So how do I change this rep in people's minds, especially the girls I want to sleep with...I mean date?

—Johnny

 

JESS: Thanks for the props on the new column. Yep—it came as a surprise to me too! Hope you stick around and keep writing in. Especially after the advice I’m about to give you….

 

You need to stop being a man-whore.


WANNA GO OUT FOR SOME PIZZA AND MAMMARY PHYSICS?

Q: Dear Jessica,

I have a hot date next Friday. Should I get a co-op game like Gauntlet or a competitive game like Dead or Alive 4? I really suck at fighting games, and I'm afraid she'll think I let her win.

 

I'm thinking of popping the question but don't know what kind of ring to get. I'm thinking of buying the one ring from Lord of the Rings...Does that sound like a good idea to you, or am I making a horrible mistake?

 

I met a wonderful girl on World of Warcraft. However, I feel awkward displaying affection with her character because we both have male characters and the members of my guild are teasing me about my sexuality because of it. What should I do?

—Adam, Bobby & Chad

 

JESS:  I’m going to tackle these one at a time.

 

#1. Get DOA4. The sexual tension that will crop up during a light-hearted rivalry between you and your date could lead to greater things after you turn off the console. Plus, the breasts physics utilized in such a game will leave no doubt in her mind exactly how much that dinner and round-kick just cost her.

 

#2. I can’t rightly say. If you were proposing to me? Then yes, that’s the right decision. If it’s not me, then chances are you will be wrong. Either way, make sure it’s at least real gold and not one of those knock-offs you can get through American Airlines' in-flight magazine. That’ll just make you look stupid and cheap.

 

#3. Stand up to your taunters and go out with your in-game girlfriend/boyfriend.  I myself once married a female Night Elf (I was also a female NE) who was a dude in real life. As far as I’m aware, we conducted the first ever lesbian NE wedding in Stormwind. I have pics:

proposal-edit.jpg


It was beautiful.



Jessica Chobot is a lifetime gamer and zombie slaughterer. When she's not lovingly staring at her limited-edition, Japanese import Hello Kitty Dreamcast, she is a video host and writer for IGN.com and GreenPixels.com. Check out IGN Strategize, Jessica’s weekly video with tips and tricks to kick ass on your favorite games.