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Q: Hey Jess,
Reading your columns is always interesting, never thought I'd be one of the askers, but here I am.
There's this girl who I started talking to one day after class. After half an hour of hanging out, she invited me to play Magic the Gathering and drink at her apartment that Friday. I've never really had friends like that. (Though I do possess some innate nerd streak, but that's not the point.) From then on, there are many things to pick up on that says she likes me.
One day, I was kind of leading conversationally, as naturally as I could, for her to mention her history to give me an idea of how experienced she is. Anyways, she says she's had six boyfriends in college. That bothered me at first, but well, she is a junior so it's not too bad. (I think.) Then, we pass by her apartment is turned out she's living with one of her ex-boyfriends. Finally, after the second time that we play Magic, we're leaving the Gathering and she claims to be as drunk as she's ever been. She was actually only wobbly and still spoke thoughtfully without that typical drunken drawl. She calls this one dude to pick her up from the street we're on and I tentatively ask if that's her boyfriend, partly to see if I have a clear to go for her. She says he's an ex and after a pause says, "I still sleep with him sometimes."
That bothered me for a few reasons. First, this girl's web seems really complicated—not that I'm the type to back off just cause of that. Also, that made me insecure at how I would pair up with her considering she has probably much more sexual experience than me. Lastly, and most importantly, why would a girl even mention that? I don't think being her level of drunkenness is a justifiable excuse.
I mean, is she trying to make me jealous? is she insecure and really just lying? Is she just a straight shooter? Bigger question: can girls, or even just you Jess, be that direct and not have ulterior motives? I am a guy, but I don't throw out those kind of facts unless it is to my best friends.
Thanks so much. —Anon
P.S. Please don't become a cougar. (On the other hand, I'm the demographic they usually go for, so that's actually really hot.)
JESS: YYYeeeaaahhh! Usually I shy away from emails this long but yours is so full of fantasticness that I can't possibly resist. Midnight rendezvous of Magic the Gathering!? Tawdry histories!? Drunken confessions of love and lust!? Ooh, the drama.
Now for some advice: First off, you can't blame a girl for a past. Here's an epiphany, girls are human too and they like quality sex as much as the next person. Appreciating a little slap and tickle does not make them whores, it makes them normal. Keep in mind that you're the one who asked and hinted to her about past loves, so don't ask questions if you can't handle the answers.
With that said: Yes, there are girls that can be straight-shooters without having ulterior motives. Granted, she probably did use her drunkeness as an excuse for spilling her guts without having to pay the consequences, but do you really blame her? Women are pretty good on the intuition tip and she probably had a feeling you were subconsciously—or not so subconsciously—judging her.
However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be suspicious. The fact that this girl still lives with her ex and has blatantly admitted that she still sleeps with him is an obvious "no-go." If you're looking for a good time with no strings attached, by all means, hang with her for midnight bouts of The Gathering and some "insertion." But only if you get her to agree to an STD test—condoms or no condoms. I'm being dead serious on this one. You should get one too. Just to keep things fair. If you're looking for a serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, then ditch out and start looking elsewhere.
PS: Cougars do not choose to be cougars. They are pre-ordained by fate. It cannot be helped.
Q: Hey Jess,
I get to work with people in their 40s, while I'm only 23, so I've met nobody within my age range. I can tell by the way girls look at me that I'm not bad-looking, I've even been told I'm a smooth-talker, even though I'm very shy when meeting someone. Hell, before moving, this was never an issue for me; but now it seems impossible for me to get a date.
I've always dated girls after a long friendship, so they know and trust me. I'm no player whatsoever; that might sound old-fashioned, but I believe in monogamy and love. My daily life won't get me anywhere near a girl, and if I try talking to someone at the gym or the bank or wherever, they assume I just want to get in their pants and cut me off right away.
I know the whole good-looking-guys-are-all-players theory of you girls, but is there a way to break into that barrier and give a first impression that makes it seem like it's worth getting to know me?
I can tell by your column you know your way around life, so if you can enlighten me I promise I'll send you flowers and maybe make a girl happy.
Love, Ernie
JESS: I feel for you Ernie. You seem stuck between a rock and a hard place. While it is unfair that you have to be subject to the "hot guys are all players" stereotype, you should be thankful that you are, at least, quite hot. (I'm taking your word for it.) Many out there would give their eye-teeth for that type of "problem."
That being said, I sympathize with your current location situation 100 percent. Being the young man stuck within a bunch of mid-lifers cannot be very fulfilling on many levels, particularly dating.
What should you do?
Like they always say: Location, location location. I can't preach that enough. Go to where the type of girls you like to meet hang out. Nerdy/intellectual types? Gaming expos, bookstores, and libraries. Average hot types that put out? Dance clubs. Older types with more confidence, better jobs, but with a permanent case of the lonelies because they chose to have a "career"? Answer: Martini bars.
Point is: If you build it, they WILL NOT come. No girl/woman will have any idea you're looking for a mate (or to mate) without you going out and being proactive. Leave that cubicle of yours, get a hot friend (but not as hot as you. You don't want him nabbing all the chicas) to act as a wingman, hit the ATM, and then the streets. Happy hunting!
Q: My girlfriend sucks—will you have lunch with me? -A.
JESS: Thanks, but sorry. I'm too busy.
P.S.: A giveaway for what? Being a Super Robot?! (That's what I've been told it means in Japanese).
P.P.S.: If your girlfriend sucks, then why is she still your girlfriend?
Q: Dear Jessica,
But, I'd like to get a little bit more exploratory with our (ehem) relationship, and she's not game. She likes it like the Quakers and Missionaries do. Simple, effective, and no frills. Just flat on your back, and be quick about it. No adventure. Like the Bilbo Baggins of sex. (Although she's very, very hot, unlike Bilbo.) I don't like it, but I accept and respect it, and never try to push her into doing anything uncomfortable for her. I'm bored. Bored stiff, actually. We're best friends. But it feels like that sexually, too. Like a best friend that you don't want to have sex with. And, I love sex.
I have my little fantasies, though. I have a thing for "damsels in distress." Not like where a woman is hanging by spiked chains from a skyscraper girder, and has a car battery hooked up to her. But I do like the the feisty woman who can hold her own even if she's been captured, bound, and gagged. Not the violent scary stuff, but the "adventure" themed type of stuff. That is a huge turn on for me.
My wife knows it, as I've been honest with her about that, and she's refused my request. She tells me that my fantasy/turn-on is weird. And if we see a scene on TV, or in a movie, she'll sarcastically ask: "Does that turn you on?". It even makes me a little bit embarrassed sometimes.
You seem like your always open to new things and experiences. I get the impression that you're pretty adventurous. Is this type of fantasy weird to you? Do women, in general, find it weird? Am I considered creepy because of that?
Thanks for your input.
Sincerely, Bored Stiff
JESS: Dear Bored Stiff: This one is "hard" to answer. *snort*
Like you said, everything in your relationship seems to be perfect...except the sex. And that is a BIG issue.
What bothers me the most about your question isn't your admission for the whole "damsels in distress" role-playing thing, nor is it the fact that you and your wife have let yourselves fall into the rut of bread and butter sex. What bothers me is your acceptance of the issue and her downright ridicule towards your needs.
Like I've said before and shall say again: There is NOTHING wrong with a little slap with your tickle. As long as you are both willing participants and there's a safety word, like "cabbage" or something. Whatever floats your boat.
Anwyay, fantasies are a healthy way of exercising other possibilities within relationships. First by trying them out in your mind and then, potentially, trying them out on an agreeable partner. Sadly, you're finding yourself attached to a mate that isn't so flexible. This leads me to question a few things:
- When you told your wife about your fantasies and asked her about her potential involvement, were you non-aggressive in your approach and, when she turned it down, did you accept graciously or did you get pouty? I'm assuming that you accepted graciously BUT, if you went all Mr. McPoutyPants on her, then she's probably gotten resentful due to her own feeling of inadequacy and also the general disappointment that she's letting her husband down.
- When you asked your wife for her involvement, did you explain to her that, in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM did this mean that she no longer "did it for you" and that now you need something a little more advanced between the sheets in order to get you off? Her current reluctance might stem from the fact that she's interpreted your request as you telling her, in a roundabout way, that you've gotten bored in the bedroom because you're not attracted to her. From your question, that's not true: You've gotten bored from the lack of variety(which is true) BUT not because you're not attracted to her rather because there is no variety. Sit her down and have a very sensitive but honest conversation with her explaining the difference between the two. Once she understands that your cravings aren't a direct result of you no longer finding her beautiful and sexy she may be more open to the possibility of more aggressive dealings within the boudoir.
- Have you asked her what her fantasies are? Or have you just assumed that she likes to visit the mission on a regular basis? It might be that your wife's mind is rife with acceptable perversions that you know NOTHING about because you simply have not asked. This lack of inquiry might also feed into her reluctance to satisfy you in your wanton needs. After all, what is good for the goose is good for the gander, no? Why should she learn to twist like a pretzel and escape from knots ala: Houdini if you're not willing to put forth the effort to explore what gets her motor running.
If, after all this, things still haven't changed and you find yourself with a series of increasingly awkward boner moments, then I would recommend counselling. If not counselling then (as much as I hate to say it) total and honest acceptance of the situation - or - separation.
PS: So we touch upon it: Just because she doesn't play videogames doesn't necessarily equate to her not being adventurous. So don't take that as a sure-fire sign. Granted, if she DID like videogames, it would make married life really friggin' awesome. But, if you've got everything else going for you (minus the whole "sex thing" we just went over) then I think her lack of PS3/360/Wii knowledge is forgivable.
Q: Dear Miss Chobot,
All continued down a positive road, until recently we had a long talk which ended in her thinking it would be a good idea not to live together starting next semester, but definitely stay together. For some reason, while I agree it might be best for school to shift our focus toward the 'now' instead of thinking about stuff like marriage, the future and whatnot, this whole situation seems to be eating me up inside. She's going to live with her brother and his girlfriend, (a living situation which I was meant to be included in) and I am left renting a room somewhere with random people because most of my friends are either no longer planning on going to school, or in different cities. Although the future is an interesting place, and I'm somewhat looking forward to it, I can't help but feel a little left out to dry, I mean, she even gets to take our cat. Any advice for getting this feeling turned into something a little more positive? —M
JESS: You might not like me for saying this but I think your girlfriend is incredibly smart to have come to you with the admission that she wants to live on her own but still stay together.
I think both of you should focus on school and where you want that to take you. In today's current economic climate AND the fact that I know EXACTLY what it's like to go to an art college (having graduated with a BFA from a very intense private art college regimen), I am telling you: Now IS NOT the time to be screwing around and playing house.
You guys both gave it a shot, it "kinda" worked but things possibly progressed a little too fast and your girlfriend is feeling the need to put on the brakes and re-assess things.
The fact that this isn't a 100% break-up leads me to believe that you're both still very much in like/love with each other and that there is still a pot of gold at the end of of this relationship rainbow. Plus, the fact that she's moving in with a relative and not some stranger (or worse yet, a male roomie) should leave you stoked!
The question that does pop into my mind though is: Are you bummed because you feeling like she's trying to take a step back in your two-some and leaving you out of her new lifestyle or are you pissed that she's moving out and forcing you to find a new roomie or new lease?
Make sure and be honest with yourself for this one. If you're just ticked she's thrown your living situation into a total kerfaffle, then take a deep breath and chill. If you're all broken up over the fact that you think she's going to move on without you and this is the first step towards a painfully slow break-up, then just outright ask her. My guess is that you both will be ok though.
Last thing: Don't be bummed about losing out on the cat. God knows I love the cute, furry little creatures but they are the BIGGEST pain in the butt to take care of. Any time you get sad about it, just think how much cat sh*t you won't be scooping out of some rancid litter box. You'll find a smile on your face soon enough after that thought.
Jessica Chobot is a lifetime gamer and zombie slaughterer. When she's not lovingly staring at her limited-edition, Japanese import Hello Kitty Dreamcast, she is a video host and writer for IGN.com and GreenPixels.com. Check out IGN Strategize, Jessica’s weekly video with tips and tricks to kick ass on your favorite games.