Welcome back to "Ask Jess, Dammit!"
E3 2009 is now officially a done deal and while the show was fun it was also a tremendous mental and physical strain (you try being strapped to a backless chair 8 to 10 hours a day, 3 days in a row) and I'm glad it's over. Some FANTASTIC announcements and demos this year (Project Natal, Rock Band Beatles, God of War III, Left 4 Dead 2, etc..), visits and interest from some big names (Spielberg, Cameron, McCartney) and overall geeky awesomeness.
It's time to get back into the daily grind though and start tackling some of these hardened heart issues. For Ask Jess, Dammit! Vol. 9 we've got a situation where an open marriage might be the only thing to save it, someone whose let one flippant comment from some dickhead frienemey ruin his life and a frustrated boy whose after a girl whose after me.
It's good to be back!
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Q: Thirty years ago, I was going to ask a girl to the prom, or considered it. I asked a friend's opinion when he cut me up over the phone replying,"She won't go out with you," thus making me look small. I never ended up going to my junior or senior prom because of that. I've always felt no girl wanted anything to do with me because of that and the fact I never finished college or landed a high-paying job. I've been hurt by that for 30 years what should I do?
JESS: I'm going to give it to you straight. Stop dwelling over one flippant remark someone said to you decades ago. Clinging to that is not going to get you anywhere. Your lack of confidence is what is keeping girls uninterested. Not going to your prom 30 years back is NOT what is holding you up in the love department.
Q: Jess,
Thanks for taking the questions, your advice always rocks. I am 27, my fiance (25-years-old) of almost 2 years and I have a one-year-old son. Since our son came along there has been ZERO romance or sizzle in our relationship. In the 21 months since she became pregnant, we have had sex five times, and even then we were both visibly just going through the motions. We have talked about it, and tried a lot of different solutions including getaways and counseling, but the chemistry seems to be pretty much dead.
We were friends for years before we hooked up and dated for more than a year before the pregnancy. When we were friends, we always flirted. When we started dating, things were great...and then it just started to cool off at an alarming rate. If there was not a child involved I think we would have probably gone our separate ways by now, but we are a great parenting team and have tried to make things work for that reason. She is completely against any type of separation or split despite being miserable. I need advice for how to approach the situation, because I feel like I am drowning in this relationship. She makes no effort in the romance department and seems completely uninterested in sex at this point. It's beyond old and I feel like I am trapped in a really bad situation even though neither of us have cheated or are abusive. I need some fresh ideas, or is this one of those situations where every possibly outcome is just going to suck?
Thanks for the advice!
JESS: Wow. Um...this is a toughie.
OK. I'm going to say the thing that advice columnists aren't supposed to say: The two of you should have a serious discussion and come to the potential agreement that you both be allowed to have "open" relationships.
I'm not saying you two should be swingers but maybe the allowance of a girlfriend and boyfriend without repercussions might be in order here. I find it incredibly admirable that the two of you are sticking it out for the kids and are showing a united front towards your children. As long as things are copacetic between you and your wife, and there's no screaming matches for the youngsters to overhear, then by all means I think you should continue to be the fantastic parenting team you are.
Just be very honest with each other that you can be friends and parents, that the romantic relationship is dead and you both need and deserve to find an outlet for that aspect of your lives. If neither of you agree that you can do that without becoming jealous and petty then I think, despite your wife's hesitation at getting a separation, you should look into getting out of the relationship whether she wants it or not. You've certainly got yourself between a rock and a hard place. I wish you luck.
Q: I know you don't like the long ones, but I could really use some help.Once again, not a relationship question. So off and on over the past years there have been times when I have seriously thought about going to therapy. I know that it's expensive and if I'm unlucky, they'll probably just try and shove pills in me, but I think I actually need the help in resolving past issues that may or may not exist. I'm 20-year-old and I live with my mom and grandparents, I have no job, I don't know what to say if I were to bring it up to family or friends. The only reason I think I can send this in is cause it's pretty anonymous. I don't know what to do to fix my head.
JESS: Sounds to me like you already know what you have to do. Therapy isn't that expensive if you have health insurance. I'm not sure what the age limit is and such as far as still being included on your parent's insurance but you might want to talk with them about your concerns and see if they can help with the cost. If not, and you don't have insurance, do some research about some community-based ones that are either cheaper or free.
I really think that if you're having these thoughts about finding help, then you should make it a priority. Once you get everything fixed up top, you'll find that the other things in life that are causing you anxiety usually fall into place. Just take that one step in the right direction and everything will work itself out.
Q: G'day Jessica!
Straight to the point: I probably am a wuss, but I'm about 70 percent certain a really pretty girl likes me and I don't know what to do. To be honest, I never really have had much of a relationship with any girl, so I'm kind of clueless as to how to approach a girl. I think it's getting desperate.
I try to think positively, I'm still only 16 (almost 17) but I feel I'm the only one without a girlfriend. People even ask me, "Hey Sola have you even had a girlfriend yet?" How do I respond to that? "No I'm a loser who plays video games, who's quiet at school and wears glasses." The thing is, I don't think I'm a bad guy whatsoever! I think I'm fairly smart, I'm fairly good at sports, I think I'm pretty funny and I have been asked out by girls before (just not ones I'm interested in though). I just wanted to know what you would do in my situation.
Cheers, from Melbourne.
JESS: Obviously you're NOT a loser if you know you're smart, funny and decent at sports. Plus, girl's have asked YOU out, so I'm not sure I totally understand what it is you're upset over. If it's just a matter of not being into the girl(s) who try and hit you up for some romance, then I think you should stop complaining, suck it up and go after the ones you do want. If it's that you just aren't in the mood to have a girlfriend and don't know how to avoid nosy people who ask you about it, just tell them to mind their own business! If they feel like wasting their money over a bunch of immature girls while you're shooting for bigger and better things, then by all means, let them beat their heads against that wall.
Q: Dear Jessica,
I'm in love with this friend of mine, it's been one year since I've met her, she's just perfect, and I love everything about her. There's one little problem, though...She is in love with YOU. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Me
JESS: Give up. LOL!
Jessica Chobot is a lifetime gamer and zombie slaughterer. When she's not lovingly staring at her limited-edition, Japanese import Hello Kitty Dreamcast, she is a video host and writer for IGN.com and GreenPixels.com. Check out IGN Strategize, Jessica’s weekly video with tips and tricks to kick ass on your favorite games.