The Joker…Poison Ivy….The Riddler…The Dummy? Believe it or not, not every villain in Batman’s Rogues Gallery is iconic enough to be featured in the new Batman: Arkham Asylum video game. Using our superior gaming and comic book knowledge, we’ve come up with a list of Batman villains unlikely to show up on your console any time soon.
Clock King - Here’s a guy whose biggest threat is…his EXTREME PUNCTUALITY. Its no wonder he’s not in Arkham Asylum.
Potential Moves:
o Time Flies: Clock King takes to the air on a giant hovering Swatch (hello, product placement!), which shoots razor-sharp clock cogs at Batman.
o A Time to Heal: Clock King freezes time and heals himself. A boring move for a boring villain.
o Cuckoo Coldcock: a boxing glove on a retractable spring erupts from a cuckoo clock embedded in Clock King’s chest and attempts to coldcock Batman.
Orca - A giant half woman/half killer whale: little-known Batman villain or aborted Rosie O’Donnell movie concept?
o Belly Flop: Orca launches through the air and attempts to squash Batman with her enormous girth.
o Whale Song: Orca sings a low-frequency song, the quality of which forces Batman to cower in fear.
o Sea World: Orca floods the chamber. Batman’s counter-move is to force Orca to jump through a hoop and fling her herring from his utility belt.
Mime - Yup, Batman totally fought a mime once, but they kept it hush-hush. GET IT!?!?!
Potential Moves:
o Outside the Box: Mime encases Batman in an imaginary glass box. Batman immediately breaks out because it’s not real.
o Walking the Dog: Mime sics a pack of imaginary dogs on Batman. He takes no damage because the dogs aren’t real.
o Insufferable Silence: Mime gives Batman the Silent Treatment, the only effective attack Mime has. He suffers minor shame damage.
Calculator - Calculator is a villain known for both his superior brainpower and his ability to factor algebraic equations. Oh, wait. That was our TI-89 in high school.
Potential Moves:
o Making the Grade: Calculator presents you with a trigonometric function to solve. Failure to do so results in being FLUNKED.
o Blinding Intellect: Calculator rattles of a series of facts so quickly Batman becomes dazed and takes damage.
o Thinking Cap: Calculator dons a helmet with a laser attached to his head. Hey, he’s a genius; he can totally invent a laser hat.
Condiment King – Can you believe someone got paid to come up with a character that uses an arsenal of hot dog toppings in an offensive capability?
Potential Moves:
o Mustard Gas: Condiment King consumes a jar of Grey Poupon and farts at Batman. Repeatedly. The resulting cloud is incapacitating.
o Hot Lunch: Condiment King squirts a variety of hot sauces at Batman. The worst thing about this attack is its name.
o Holy Guacamole: Using a modified Potato Gun, Condiment King pelts Batman with unripe avocados. Condiment King exclaims, “It’s the pits!” His humor is as lame as his attacks.