Like some girls, enjoying even the crappiest of video games can be done with enough alcohol in your system. Here is our quick and dirty guide to navigating your hard-earned beer money toward something better than a polished turd. Bottom's up!


God of War III (PS3)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: The gods are trembling and that can only mean the Greek godkiller is back for his long-awaited vengeance. Kratos' farewell looks to be a memorable experience as he ascends Mount Olympus for one last clash with the gods and his father, the almighty Zeus. The first GoW game made for the PS3 looks amazing, the combat has been streamlined even further for better transitions between cutscenes, and, with an even larger arsenal of slice-and-dicers at his disposal, one thing's for sure: There will be blood.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 0

Metro 2033 (Xbox 360, PC)
Price: $49.99–$59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: As if the Russian metro weren't as harrowing a ride by itself, imagine a post-apocalyptic romp through the railways with crazy-looking aliens breathing down your neck. Based on a novel by the Russian author Dmitry Glukhovsky, Metro 2033 follows survivor Artyom after a mysterious blast wipes out civilization kissing everything above ground dasvidaniya. The game has definite Fallout 3 undertones with an immersive environment and a brave new world to explore/defend from the mysterious "Dark Ones." So racist.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 3 Stary Melnik Krepkoes...anyone?

Resonance of Fate (PS3, Xbox 360)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: While the Final Fantasy series is increasingly moving away from the hardcore Japanese RPG players, other series, like last year's Demon's Souls and now with Resonance of Fate, are finding an audience pining for plain ol' old-school monster hunting. In RoF, Earth has been sucked dry of all resources and everyone lives off an air purifier machine tower called Basel which is also nearing its limit for usability. But, you won't find any summon spells and magic attacks here: The weapon selection consists of mostly normal bullet-fed tools of war and over-the-top acrobatic attacks that make Chuck Norris look like The Karate Kid. Of course, that's because Chuck Norris ripped Ralph Macchio's head off with his bare hands and replaced it with his own.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 3

iPHONE-ING IT IN
Zombie Smash (iPhone)
Price: $1.99 | Official Site
What's It About: Like zombies? Like smashing stuff? Well, have we got the game for you! Zombie Smash lives up to its name, giving your fingers the power to turn hordes of brainless brain-seekers into bloody undead messes before they wreak havoc on your defenseless cottage. We especially like the game's soundtrack put together by German game music composer Chris Hülsbeck of R-Type fame. (Yes, the Commodore 64 game and, yes, we can be nerds too.)
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 1

Also Out This Week...
Dragon Age: Origins DLC: Awakening (PS3, Xbox 360), Command & Conquer 4: Tiberian Twilight (PC), Perfect Dark (Xbox Live), Infinite Space (DS), Sam & Max: Beyond Time and Space (Wii)

Hell isn’t exactly on everyone's itinerary for a vacation stay. It’s where really bad dudes and fiery minions of the wretched lord of the underworld Satan reside. (Coincidentally, it has also produced a number of great rock songs.) But, according to video games, the road to Perdition isn't simply paved with hellfire and brimstone, rather creatures that range from the strange to the just plain mind-boggling. These are the 666 10 weirdest...

Cleopatra's Tonguish Bosom (Dante’s Inferno)

Dante’s Inferno could easily hold down every single spot on this list and still have enough oddities left over for a sequel. But the climax of the games’ “Lust” circle takes the cake. Seriously—Double-you tee eff? In as many stories as have been told about Cleopatra, no other has depicted her as the giant boss of a dark tower who actually dispatches enemies, including unbaptized babies with razor arms, from her mammaries. Her nipples appear inverted at first, but then tongues begin to lap out from them. Though it’s hard to turn down bare breasts, it's the most disturbing skin moment in video games since King Hippo's mesmerizing manboobs.

The Left Arms of Hades (God of War II)

At the outset of God of War II, Kratos is killed by Zeus, sending him to Greek mythology’s equivalent of hell, an underworld where the eponymous Hades is ruler. His second of three visits to the domain is brought about the pitch black arms of Hades reaching up through the soil, wrapping their deathly fingers around his ash-covered flesh and pulling him under. Kratos must then climb back up to the realm of the living, fighting the wall full of arms along the way. If that wasn’t weird enough, watch that scene with the Arms of Hades once more and realize that they’re all left hands. Hades is a southpaw, apparently.


A Candy Shop, With Steroid Lollipops (Bayonetta)

When Bayonetta isn't whipping feral minions into shape with her Optimus Prime-like hair—it transforms into ultimate weapons of destruction—she's visiting The Gates of Hell, a tavern shop run by an interesting guy named Rodin. (Think Tommy "Tiny" Lister on a Barry White kick.) Along with the usual death-dealing fare and magical accessories, he sells performance enhancers in the form of red, green, and yellow lollipops. This must have been what 50 Cent was rapping about.


Death Is a Moleman (Sam & Max: Season 2)

The second season of Telltale’s Sam & Max series saw the dog detective and his sidekick go to hell in an episode titled, “What’s up, Beelzebub?” In pursuit of Bosco’s soul, the duo encounters personal hells that see demon babies appearing under Santa’s tree, Soda Popper Specs in bondage gear and Bosco naked. Mike Judge would also be pleased to know that Sam & Max’s version of hell looks a heck of a lot like an office building. But to get there, the duo must cross the River Styx. There’s a huge pile of Mimesweeper cartridges and molemen on either side of the tracks. As it turns out, Death is a character named Harry Moleman.


Jazz-Dancing Satan (Tony Hawk Underground 2)

The skateboard series Tony Hawk may not be the most likely franchise to set in hell (at least not before the abysmal Ride installment debuted), but players could actually visit a skate park in hell in THUG 2. It was no easy task: Only after beating the game could players skate in an alien base and by completing certain tasks eventually end up in hell. A few tricks in the right places put the skater face-to-face with the Devil…who spends his days lounging in his love seat and admiring the Martini neons on his walls and his nights dancing to jazz music in a smokin' jacket.


The Damned Chessmen (Devil May Cry 3)

Chess is known as a gentlemen’s game the world over, so it’s a bit surprising to see a board down in the Nether realm. It starts to make more sense, though, when the pieces move on their own, turning from blue to red as they try to unleash attacks against Dante. According to Devil May Cry lore, it is unclear whether the human version of chess was inspired by this board, or the other way around. Either way, no version of chess has been as deadly as the game against the Damned Chessmen.


A Travel Agency (Grim Fandango)

Leave it to Tim Schafer (developer of classics such as Psychonauts and Brütal Legend) to come up with an idea as silly as a travel agency in hell. Officially set in the “Land of the Dead,” Grim Fandango’s story explains those passing to the “Ninth Underworld of Eternal Rest” must endure a four year voyage that sounds about as treacherous as a marathon session of Superman 64. The exception, of course, is the well to do, who get preferential treatment even in hell. Manny Calavera is the hopeless skeletal soul tasked with booking packages to hell for people based on their lot in life, ranging from sports cars and cruises, to the Excelsior Line…a walking stick with a compass.


John Romero’s Head (Doom II)

The Doom series holds the undisputed title when it comes to weird things in hell. From the spherical Cacodemon, to the Spiderdemon (a huge brain with a face, and robotic, spider-like appendages), to the obese Mancubus, to a room full of hanging Commander Keen bodies, the list goes on with Doom. But the Easter Egg of an ending to Doom II reigns supreme. As the player enters the boss room in the final stage, Icon of Sin, a demonic voice plays. Played backward with the pitch changed, it sounds, “To win the game, you must kill me, John Romero.” Romero was a co-founder of iD, and if players enter the “IDCLIP” cheat, they pass through the goat head logo to see the severed head of Romero on a stake. Shooting it a few times, indeed, completes the game.


Jailer (Darksiders)

Darksiders stable of apocalyptic demons includes one tortured with inverted wings, as well as a bat-like monster with a clubbed tail. But the strangest of its cadre of hell spawn is the Jailer. He looks mostly like the average heavy demon type—stocky, big mouth, loincloth and some spikes. But the top half of his torso is actually formed by the remains of an untold number of cadavers. Hanging from this glowing bulk of decayed flesh are cages housing the souls of his victims. On a scale of unsettling characters, the Jailer ranks up there with Wal Mart greeters.


The Four Surfers of the Apocolypso (Afterlife)

The hell side of Afterlife features both birds and bats that poop on structures to reduce or increase efficiency, as well as a giant demon that disco dances, destroying everything in its path. But the SoCal crowd would be stoked to know that it’s surfing that brings about the apocalypse in one of the game’s four losing scenarios. The Four Surfers of the Apocolypso appear after players stay in debt for too long, riding fiery waves of destruction.

Like some girls, enjoying even the crappiest of video games can be done with enough alcohol in your system. Here is our quick and dirty guide to navigating your hard-earned beer money toward something better than a polished turd. Bottom's up!


Final Fantasy XIII (PS3, Xbox 360)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: With an online-enabled 14th iteration already announced and in the works, Square Enix has gone ahead and localized their best-selling role-playing game for us Yankees. FFXIII is a mostly linear fantastical experience that pits your group of six freedom fighters against overwhelming odds to save their homeland and, in turn, their closest friends and family. The graphics have been amped up, the action is non-stop, and you haven't lived until you've heard a Leona Lewis song mixed with J-pop and strange gasping sounds. Yay?
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 2

Yakuza 3 (PS3)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: Another game that's been out in Japan for some time—this is us shaking our fist in the direction of the Orient—Yakuza 3 is the continuation of Kazuma Kiryu's post-Yakuza life which has landed him a managerial position at an Okinawan orphanage. (We guess Japan is allergic to background checks.)  Under pressure by the local yakuza clan to sell his land, Kiryu and his closest acquaintances come under fire and, with the flair of a John Woo movie, must fight off a legion of shady underground agents to save the children.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 3

Supreme Commander 2 (PC, Xbox 360)
Price: $39.99–$59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: If building up a virtual army and unleashing nukes on your enemies is more your speed, Gas Powered Games' update to their successful real-time strategy series will tide you over (at least until StarCraft II appears on store shelves). A revamped upgrade system and easier controls (similar to normal RTS key configurations) means less fumbling around for buttons and more turning your electronic friends into gigabytes of dust. However, avoid the single-player campaign unless you're in dire need of a refreshing nap.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 5

Also Out This Week...
Resident Evil 5: Gold Edition (PS3, Xbox 360), Mega Man 10 (PSN), Calling (Wii), BioShock 2 DLC: Sinclair Solutions Test Pack (PSN, Xbox Live), and Blazblue: Calamity Trigger Portable (PSP).

God may have created the world in seven days and then rested, but we're convinced he returned on Day 8 to create the Goldmund Media Room, a stylish new entertainment area that debuted in Manhattan's Flatiron District in late February. It costs a cool $1 million, so it took us 4.7 nanoseconds to accept an invite for a private demo of the space, including a two-hour, once-in-a-lifetime session of Final Fantasy XIII and Battlefield Bad Company 2 on Xbox 360.

So, how good was it? Let's just say PTSD is settling in.

Goldmund is a 32-year-old high-end audio provider based in Switzerland. They have offices all over the world but admit that they want to break into the North American market in a bigger way (most of their business actually comes from Russia). This spurred the need for them to build an impressive space to show off their wares to potential customers. Enter their state-of-the-art NYC Media Room.



To get a sense of the scope of how absurd their set-up is, take a look at the components hooked up in the room:


Yep, one meeeelllleeeonn smackaroos. Opting for in-wall installation rather than the Swiss-made aluminum cases can cut down the bill to a measly $500,000. (Excuse us while we go mortgage our grandchildren's children's future.)



So, with all of this insane equipment at our disposal, we did what all self-respecting children of the NES-era would do: Hook up a game console and proceed to couch-potato our way through a couple of hours of gaming.

First up was EA popular war sequel Battlefield: Bad Company 2. We're writers by trade, but when you're smack-dab in front of a 137-inch screen with top-of-the-line audio equipment blaring the stage of the Cold War into your ears, it's hard not to think you're actually on the front lines battling Commie bastards. The audio was on such a stratospheric level of fidelity, we could hear bubbles popping in the water during a nighttime amphibious sneak attack. We finished up our session with BC2, and deployed back to reality war-fatigued.



Next up was Final Fantasy XIII. If you've never experienced the series, there are three things to know about a good Final Fantasy game:

1 - The graphics are ridiculous; the good kind of ridiculous—not Jersey Shore ridiculous.
2 - Seizures from all of the flashing colors on-screen are normal. Come to love the seizures.
3 - The over-under on effeminate male characters is 15. (Always take the over. Always.)

Got it? Good. Now, allow us an addendum: ABC. Audio Be Crazy, especially on a system that can process every single noise appropriately. Sure, the Leona Lewis theme song and the softer, J-pop ambiance music takes a little getting used to, but it's hard to accurately describe the impact of the game's sound effects and soundtrack short of 'wow.'

We literally stayed there all day...	...and through some of the night.

Unfortunately, we had to leave—believe us, we offered to "babysit" the room at no cost—which meant going back to our crummy LED HDTV sitting at home. In fact, everything outside of the Goldmund Media Room will seem insufficient upon vacating the premises. It makes subpar viewing experiences look and sound outstanding—heck, we even enjoyed Pearl Harbor on it—and video games are just that much more realistic.

But, we can't see anyone, outside of corporations and celebrities, taking the plunge. For those who can't quite gather enough scratch for a similar system, they also offer beginner set-ups that start at $60,000. Still a ton of money, but if you've got it, then there's no better place to spend it enhancing your movie/gaming nights at home. Your children's college tuition be damned!

One of the best Starcraft players in the world—yes, he was one of the people who dropped 300 dollars for a Starcraft 2 beta key—just happens to be one of the top poker players in the world too. We caught up with the pro at the PokerStars.net North American Poker Tour at the Venetian in Las Vegas for some friendly virtual ass-kicking in Street Fighter IV.

Like some girls, enjoying even the crappiest of video games can be done with enough alcohol in your system. Here is our quick and dirty guide to navigating your hard-earned beer money toward something better than a polished turd. Bottom's up!


Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (PS3, Xbox 360)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: After losing a truck full of gold, B-company squad returns to the battlefield to do what they were born to do: Narrowly escape death by the thinnest of margins and blowing up a ton of stuff in the process. The single player experience is much more fleshed out than the first game, but online is where the party really begins. Strategize with your teammates and help turn the tide of war or face the consequences of a crappy kill/death ratio: Scorn from pre-pubescent children on the Internet.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 3

FOUR OUT OF FIVE MAXIM DOCTORS RECOMMEND...
MLB 10: The Show (PS3)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: Baseball season is back! Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer leads the greatest show on virtual astroturf's return to the field with what is essentially an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" approach. The main attraction is the improved The Road to the Show, a career mode where you'll be able to progress your created hitter through his time in the minor and major leagues. Sony has also upped the ante with the usual mini tweaks (near photorealistic presentation, authentic batting stances, etc.) and a few much-delayed additions like the appearance of the Home Run Derby—finally!—and a new pick-off mechanism. Get excited for better pick-offs, y'all!
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 1

Major League Baseball 2K10 (PS3, Xbox 360)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: When we think of last year's 2K baseball game, the word 'yikes' comes to mind. (Also, 'meh,' 'ugh,' and 'turdy.') Well, the developers have supposedly fixed their pitching issues and are putting a million dollars on the line to prove their point—the first person to hurl a perfect game gets it. A new career mode called My Player is also available: It's solid, but from our lengthy play session we realized there could've been a bit more done to ratchet up the bugs. (In one instance, the opposing catcher hip-humped the batter who had just walked all the way to first base while our runner on third base easily stole home. Yeah.) You might want to rain delay playing that mode until a patch is released.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 5

Mega Man 10 (WiiWare)
Price: 1000 Wii Points | Official Site
What's It About: Mega Man games are beatable, but easy games they are not. That's what makes them so addictive, which is what forced Capcom's hand to develop yet another entry into the series following the success of Mega Man 9 in 2008. A throwback to the original NES cartridge games—you know, the ones you had to blow into to make them work—Mega Man 10 once again has you playing everyone's favorite blue robot hero as he attempts to save the world from Roboenza. We think it's like swine flu for nerds. (Note: Mega Man 10 will be available on PSN on March 11 and Xbox Live on March 31.)
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 2

Toy Soldiers (Xbox Live)
Price: 1200 Xbox Live Points ($15) | Official Site
What's It About: Video games set in the backdrop of the World War I are plentiful, but it's rare any of them actually do it well. (Take a look at this list and tell us if you give a crap about any of them. Exactly.) Surprisingly, we've taken a liking to Toy Soldiers and it's tower defense version. The premise is simple: Set up your defenses and fend off the invading plastic forces before they reach your home base, fittingly a toy box.
No. of Beers Required for Enjoyment: 2

With Battlefield: Bad Company 2 hitting store shelves, it got us thinking about some of our favorite bellicose badasses. Whether for revenge or for thrill of smashing lead into evildoers' faceholes, these 12 war vets deserve a salute for being all that they could be.