I had some sort of phenomenal intro planned for "Ask Jess, Dammit! Vol. 3" but then I saw the first question and felt that it perfectly encompassed all that is very right and very wrong with this article....

Double-Penetration.

(At least it wasn't ATM).

LARGE...BUT NOT IN CHARGE
Q: Hi Jessica;
My wife and I have been happily married for 15 years and our sex life is AWESOME together. We love to experiment in our bedroom and my wife loves me to give her double penetration with the use of adult toys. We do not have the desire to invite anyone else to our bedroom because we are totally in love with each other. What we do like is the added adventure of the adult toys and my question is how much bigger of a toy should we get? I must add that my manhood is very good size and my wife loves how it makes her feel and satisfies her over and over but how much bigger do you think we should have before it is too big and possibly lose interest in my big tool? Thanks. —Paul

Jess: Oh wow.
Didn't see this question....cumming? (Ha! Yeah, I just did that).

It seems to me that you've already answered your own question.  I think you're right in avoiding a rubber dong that is bigger than your own. I can't think of anything that could kill a red-blooded, live boner faster than being dismissed for some double-ended John Holmes dildo action.

As for the, "how big is too big" question? Answer: when your wife screams out in pain.

Seriously though guys, there is such a thing as TOO big. That damn dick of yours isn't a plunger either, so stop trying to shove it every which way and that!

I recommend that you and your wife take a lazy Sunday to go adult toy shopping together. That way she can point out the ones she wants to try. By letting her pick out her penetration of choice, you are now automatically free and clear of any potential blame due to injury. Just make sure that beforehand, if the whole "size" insecurity issue is a true concern of yours, that she's aware that you do not want her picking out anything larger than what you're personally packing.

HOOAH! BAD BOY, WACHA GONNNNA DOOOO...
Q: Jessica answer this if you dare?
Why is it when some one gets arrested in real life or on these televisions shows like 48 Hours, COPS etc. at the very end of the show before the credits it shows a caption saying the presumed are innocent until proven GUILTY in a court of law.  I know first hand and I have acquaintances who have been arrested and all seem to agree when arrested you are considered Guilty until you can prove you are Innocent. Is that misleading of justice because the more you try to prove you are innocent, the more guilty you look. Help me and other try to understand this dilemma. —Ben

Jess: Oh, I dare.

Quick answer: The media is one thing and real life is another.

Are you seriously surprised by this!?

That's just the way the world works.

I'll tell it to you straight. I like this girl but I'm not sure she likes me the way I like her. We've been dating 3 months. I'm not seeing anyone else and I don't think she is either but.. we only hang out 1 day a week. Sometimes she spends the night and sometimes she doesn't. We talk on the phone and text each other 2 or 3 times a day. And yes, we've had sex a few times. She got divorced about a year ago. She was married for 3 years.

I want to see her more but every time I ask her about it, she says she's just likes to relax after she comes home from work. I'm not asking her to play a game of basketball. I just want to relax with her.

Your a girl so you tell me your opinion.. am I just a friend to her or do you think she is still taking it slow and not rushing things? —Confused

Jess: I am going to give it as straight to you as you have to me. This is going to sound harsh but it will save you much grief in the long run. Coming from a woman (that would be me) who had been married for two years (and currently divorced for going on 3); your current g-friend is a little emotionally effed-up right now, is probably not looking for anything serious, but also doesn't want to be alone and lonely. She is using you, conscious of it or not, as a rebound. She will probably remain this way for another year and a half to two years until she finally has some sort of epiphany and realizes that she's been emotionally sabotaging her relationships.

That's IF she ever realizes it. I suppose it all depends on how hurtful her divorce was and the reasons behind it. There are a thousand different possible scenarios.

That being said, the real question is:  Do YOU want to stick around through this waiting for her? If so, be aware that there are still no guarantees that she will choose you in the end. In fact, I'd put money down that she would leave you for someone else. You're too close to the original pain (pain = the divorce) and therefore, a constant reminder of what her previous life was like.

I recommend you start looking elsewhere.

NIKE: PROVIDING INSPIRATION TO GUYS SINCE 1994
Q: So, I have a different type of commitment issue. I tend to back out of relationships because something in my head tells me I'm not good enough. Although I usually make up some other reason for why I end it. For that reason, I haven't dated in like uhhhh...... 3 years? something like that. Other than that, every time I get a chance to get a job I find an excuse not to. It's fail, I know. Any advice? —C

Jess: It's not "fail," it's fear.

And fear is the mind-killer.

You're afraid of failing and what that might entail. So, with that understanding let us look at what could happen if things did go south?

If you lost your job—you'd find a new one. If you lost your girlfriend—you'd find a new one.

Nothing too terrible there.

One thing IS for certain, if you don't do anything, you STILL fail. Your internal self-fulfilling prophecy is pushing yourself toward the one thing you're trying to avoid.

Be like Nike and Just Do It!

THIS WARTHOG'S A ONE-SEATER
Q: Dear Jess,

I've had this female friend for a long time, since elementary and she games a lot. We're both in college now and one night she was over at my dorm and we were just playing Halo 3 and I was kind of drunk.

Well what happened was that she was just dominating in the matches regularly coming in first. During the 5th or 6th match after she was cleaning house, I leaned in and attempted to kiss her. I don't know maybe it was seeing her dominating other guys in the games and regularly beating me that kind of got me "hot" for her I guess.

Well right away she moved back and asked what the **** I was doing and I just stammered something about wanting to make out or something. And I guess she took offense and left.

Now when I see her around campus or in class its really awkward. I admit I messed up but how can I get my friend back? It's like there is this barrier that's been broken and we cannot go back to the way things were.

Thanks, and love reading your blog by the way. —HC

Jess: Ooohhhh! Hearing this breaks my heart!

Let me just say that as slightly inappropriate your attempted kiss might have been, I still think this story is kind of sweet. Had it worked out, this would have been the hottest thing ever. Unfortunately, you gambled and lost (but at least you gambled!! *note the previous question before yours*).

If you're really serious about getting your friend back, then ASAP go over to her, ask her to a coffee and tell her EXACTLY what you just told me. Explain to her you were drinking a bit and although that is NO EXCUSE for your behavior it made you a little less thoughtful than you would normally be. That her dominance in the game was an added, albeit, irrational temptation and that you acted without thinking. Tell her you are incredibly sorry, that it will never happen again (and MEAN it) and that you miss her friendship and hope things can go back the way they were.

At that point, you've done all you can do and the decision will be hers. If she says things can be cool again, take her word for it and invite her over for pizza and games (no drinking). The only way to get through the awkwardness is to just suck it up and barrel through it. If she says she doesn't think it can ever be the same, then accept her decision with grace and walk away knowing that you tried the best you could to make things right.

Good luck and happy gaming!

SMALL POTATOES
Q: Dear Jessica,

Any advice for self-conscious guys dealing with moderate to severe cases of Insuff-Shaft?...just...uh, you know...asking for a friend of mine.

From your Winnipeg friend, —Jay

Jess: Get in contact with the folks from question #1 and plan a shopping spree.

THIS SEVERED HEAD TATTOO REMINDS ME OF MY EX. HELP!
Q: Dear Jessica,

I originally saw you on G4's Attack of the Show and much later a random youtube video hitting yourself in the face with an index card. I immediately knew you were the real deal.

I'm a senior at university and have never had trouble with women until recently. I dated a girl freshman year who I had a thing for since forever. I was very insecure, got jealous, acted a fool and wound up single. I cut off contact with her completely because I knew we could never just be friends.  That was nearly a year and a half ago, I haven't had a girlfriend since.

I've gone to parties, clubs, bars, other countries and been intimate with other women. I cannot stop thinking about the first girl. I got some tattoos while I was with her (abstract nothing like her face or name) which constantly remind me of her. I'm not about to take a cheese grater to my abdomen so I'll have to live with that but even disconnected items taunt me, and I have to be reasonable I can't throw all my shit out.

When I try to collect my thoughts like a rational human being I know I mostly just miss a warm body but when I'm with someone else I think about her. Is this my subconscious way of paying me back for being a schmuck? Is it normal to “move on” and still think about your ex this much? —Jack

Jess: I don't know if an appearance on AOTS makes me legit but an index card to the face certainly does. Glad to see we've connected!

Jack, reading your question, one thing becomes abundantly clear. Despite the statement in your last line, you HAVE NOT moved on. That is exactly why you keep thinking about your ex. You keep obsessing about the first girl because it's been a year and a half and there hasn't been a second one!

Get out there, man! Learn from the mistakes you made in your first relationship and don't repeat them in your second. That is the WHOLE POINT about relationships and dating: It is to help you weed out the type of person you want to be with from the type you do not as well as teach you about what it takes to live with and love someone. Finding your true love isn't an unrealistic goal, but thinking that there is only one individual out there to care for is.

Stop wasting away for a girl who isn't pining for you. Pick up the pieces of your heart, dust them off and hand them over to someone else. It's time.

HERE'S THE THONG ABOUT LOVE...
Q: Hi Jess,

I find myself in a bit of a situation,and I hope you can help.

I've been dating this nice girl for awhile now and started noticing she is leaving a lot of her stuff around my apartment. Everyday I find more and more stuff, from toothbrush, to hairbrushes, and most recently clothes, which includes her underwear.

Having been through a failed engagement (two years ago) which left me in a bad state both emotionally and money wise.  I finally feel I'm in a good place in my life, yet finding her panties in my sock drawer completely freaked me out.

So I have a two part question. Am I overreacting? If not, what's the best way to tell her to ease-off, without an argument or break-up?

Thanks!
- Anon


Jess: I do not think you are overreacting. Unless you have invited this girl to live with you, there should be no reason for her to be ninja-planting her crap about your place. That being said, this conundrum does require a certain amount of tact if you still want to have sex with her. Certain things to ask yourself before the confrontation:

- Does she stay overnight more than twice a week? If the answer is , "yes," then it might be easier for her to leave things like a toothbrush or spare panties at your abode. She's doing a favor by trekking it to your joint, do her a favor by making her stays more comfortable.

- Despite a delicate approach to this subject matter, your girl might still flip out and leave you....are you cool with that?  If so, then forge ahead and remind her she's not your wife. If not...and if it's only a few small things...then possibly back off and choose bigger and better battles to fight.

- Do you see this relationship developing into something more than the occasional lay and dinner-buddy? If you do, then maybe you are delaying the inevitable due to fear (* see question #4). If not, and if you'rE finding her and her stuff increasingly irritating, then just get it over with and pack up her and her shit and let her know not to slam the door on the way out.

As for approaching this subject matter with her, I hate to say this, but unless she's mega-cool, she'll probably take it too personally and will be bent out of shape about it for the rest of your relationship. Using myself as an example: Although I'm not in the EXACT same situation, I have had something similar crop up and I am still butt-hurt over the whole thing (and probably always will be). I consider myself a pretty cool and understanding chick as well. So, if I've got a hang-up about it, she's SURE to have issues.

You're doomed.
 

Jessica Chobot is a lifetime gamer and zombie slaughterer. When she's not lovingly staring at her limited-edition, Japanese import Hello Kitty Dreamcast, she is a video host and writer for IGN.com and GreenPixels.com. Check out IGN Strategize, Jessica’s weekly video with tips and tricks to kick ass on your favorite games.