If you've never been to the E3 Expo, it goes something like this: All of the major video game publishers buy large areas of a convention floor, populate them with fancy artwork and large television screens, and showcase all of their upcoming wares in the hope that some of the shit they throw on the wall sticks. (Said shit-sticking is often hoped to be catalyzed by the presence of abnormally large-breasted women wearing outrageous clothing. Also called "booth babes.") We'll leave Kotaku and IGN the job of bringing you an unfiltered version of the show, but we like filters—it keeps the backwash and riff-raff at bay. With that said, we present to you our take on all of the stuff you need to know about this year's pixel orgy.

The Good
The Return of Booth Babes
Last year, the E3 Expo was a business affair. You were shuffled along from meeting room to meeting room without all of the lights and grandeur of the convention's traditional craziness. But, it's back and with said craziness comes the inferential presence of sexy local girls playing video games for three days. Who cares if they're faking it: We gladly traded their five-seconds of product-hawking for one singular photo of them that we will cherish forever and ever. Or, until next year's show.
Click here to see our 2009 E3 booth babes slideshow.

Just Cause 2's Humongous Map
We're sure, like the first one, this is a quantity over quality grab by the game's developers, but a first-person shooter game with a 200-square-mile map is impressive in any case. The game features some nifty new additions too, like the ability to tether two objects together (picture an enemy and a leaking gas tank flying into the air) and parachuting gunplay, so we'll need some alone time with the game before we give it a final thumbs up or down.

Halo 3: ODST's Firefight Mode
If you've played Gears of War 2's Horde Mode, you already know what this is, but the team at Bungie have taken it a step further. As in, forever. That's right: If you thought 50 levels of pain was enough to get you riled up in GoW2, you better go and hide underneath your bed for this one. ODST's firefight mode is neverending. You'll start off fighting off the Flood's tiniest of minions, but will continuously progress to harder enemies. Your team of four will only have seven lives to pool from total at the start, so it becomes imperative that everyone works together. Wimps need not apply.

The Bad
Alpha Protocol's Producer Talking Over His Colleagues
Take the Shamwow Guy's verbal diarrhea, throw in a little Tony Miceli attitude, and that's what our demo of Sega's spy stealth game was like. Sure, it's their game and everything, but let the person put in charge of talking about the game....talk about the game. Not only was our schedule turned upside down by his insistance that we "have five minutes left" three times, we couldn't leave until we bought four of his Slap Chops.

Steven Spielberg's Self-Important Bodyguards
We're not too sure why the sexagenarian filmmaker was patrolling the EA Games booth, but we definitely knew he was there—his very large bodyguards had no trouble sweeping away nerds to the side and making some walking space for him. At one point, we were waiting in line with microphone inhand for an interview with a developer of Mass Effect 2, only to hear the gruff, baritone voice of one of his E3 bouncers telling us that The Spiel wasn't taking any interviews. Let's set things straight: At the next Transformers movie junket, we'll be dying for an interview with him. At E3, that just takes time away from us getting our hands on never-before-seen video games. Get over yourself, Mr. Seven-Foot-Four-Hundred-Pounds.

The Ugly
Metal Gear Solid and Mario Overload
Don't get us wrong: We don't hate either of these two characters, and as long as everyone continues to buy them, their respective companies will keep making them. But, announcing eight new games to be released within the next year based on the iconic characters seems like overkill. The list consists of Metal Gear Arcade, Metal Gear Solid: Rising, Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Mario & Sonic Go to the Olympic Games, Mario & Luigi RPG3!!!, and Mario vs. Donkey King: Minis March Again.

California's Parking Lots Being Perfect For Bankruptcy Meetings
How bad is California's economy? Residents are resorting to profiting from bankruptcy. It just so happened our hotel was smackdab in the middle of the Citi, US Bank, and Bank of America buildings. We haven't even been here a week and we already need a federal bailout, so you can imagine how these downtrodden city structures are currently functioning. Leave it to the locals to try and cash in on their misery. We passed this sign on the way to the convention center, pointing out that their lot is the perfect place to park your car before you go in and sell your soul to the economic devils.

Us Walking
Our New York state of mind had us guffawing at those who even tried to suggest renting a car. The convention center where the E3 Expo was being held was a mere 10 blocks away, a short walk for us East Coasters. Little did we know they were the "big kind of blocks." An estimated 10-minute stroll turned into a 30-minute powerwalk, and at the end of the trip we took nearly 130,000 steps, according to Nintendo's Personal Trainer Walking game for the DS. Thankfully, there was a Denny's on the way that helped us get fat again in a grand slam fashion.