Another week means another pile of video games arriving at your local store. Here is our quick and dirty guide to navigating your 60 dollars towards something better than a polished turd.


Dark Void (PS3, Xbox 360)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: A '30s-era Rocketman wannabe crash lands into an unknown land called The Void only to become part of humanity's struggle against "Fascists" and "Watchers." Expect a sufficient linear story with its moments of glory, but there's no multiplayer or replayability, so don't go blowing all your beer money on it. 
No. of Groin Kicks Required For Enjoyment: 4

Army of Two: The 40th Day (PS3, Xox 360)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: Tyson and Elliot, the dynamic duo of destruction, return and are on the run in Shanghai. Now with the ability to pretty much create your own weaponry (a developer dubbed it "LEGO with guns"), there won't be a shortage of carnage to inflict.
No. of Groin Kicks Required For Enjoyment: 2


DLC OF THE WEEK
Matt Hazard: Blood Bath and Beyond
Price: $15 | Official Site
What's It About: Matt Hazard, the Mario of fake fake video games, goes back in time to reclaim his good name in this Contra-esque downloadable title.  It's also the first game with a difficulty level called "Fuck This Shit," so it must be good.
No. of Groin Kicks Required For Enjoyment: 6


FREEBIE OF THE WEEK
Quick Hit Football
Price: Duh | Official Site
What's It About: Not getting your Madden fix? Then Quick Hit Football is your godsend. Create a team and manage them through the rigors of a game against the CPU or other online players around the world...from the comfort of your work PC. Just make sure you've got a spreadsheet open in the background for a quick exit. Oh, crap, go-go-gadget Excel.
No. of Groin Kicks Required For Enjoyment: 1