Another week means another pile of video games arriving at your local store. Here is our quick and dirty guide to navigating your 60 dollars toward something better than a polished turd.


Mass Effect 2 (Xbox 360)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: Commander Shepard continues the fight against the mysterious ancient Reapers, leading a team of mercenaries (both new and familiar faces) into a suicide mission to save the universe. Stock up on alien weaponry, level up your new biotic power, have wild sex with the female crew members, and battle weird crab-like enemies on the way to salvation. Wait, what? Digital coitus? We're there!
Number of Groin Kicks Required for Enjoyment: 0


MAG (PS3)
Price: $59.99 | Official Site
What's It About: It's the end of the world as we know it, almost literally, in this PS3-exclusive, massive-multiplayer online, first-person shooter. (Whew. Deep breath.) It's 2026, World War 3 has just ended, and all of the world's superpowers have run out of money to maintain their armies, so they've enlisted the help of private military corporations. Customize your weapon deployment and take part in 256-player online battles—yes, the equivalent of 23 soccer/football and 51 basketball teams.
Number of Groin Kicks Required for Enjoyment: 3 (Those who are Asperger's-riddled, closer to 256.)


Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars (Wii)
Price: $49.99 | Official Site
What's It About: Get ready for some crazy Japanese fun-time yum-yum fisticuffs! Ryu, Mega Man, and Frank West (Dead Rising) go head to head with some of anime's best characters we've never heard of, including Ippatsuman, Polimar, and Joe the Condor (no relation to Joe the Plumber). Expect similar gameplay found in Capcom's Marvel vs. Capcom series, including hyper combos that might prove troublesome for your sausage fingers to pull off.
Number of Groin Kicks Required for Enjoyment: 3.5


No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle (Wii)
Price: $49.99 | Official Site
What's It About: Hello, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Meet Travis Touchdown. NMH2 continues the tale of the emo/punk anime addict as he attempts to become the No. 1 assassin in all the land. We honestly had no clue what the hell was happening as we played it, but we can confirm Gundam-style robot battles, "London Missiles,"  random conversations about Western pop-culture items, and this girl pseudo-masturbating with a vibrating belt machine.
Number of Groin Kicks Required for Enjoyment: 8, or until the colors become plentiful