Death By Degrees

Tekken ass-kicker Nina Williams—the garter-belt-wearing ho with the galloping ponytail and the lethal pair of getaway sticks—finally gets her own game. The story? It's so absurdly crappy that it actually owes crap a handwritten apology. But we're used to crappy stories. What we're not used to is disorienting camera angles and lousy controls that have the lithe, lean, fighting machine Nina plodding around like the bastard love child of Kirstie Alley and a three-legged Clydesdale. The pacing does pick up a bit once the hordes of bad guys fill the screen and, suddenly, Nina's flying all over the damn place (tap the right control stick to get her to combo) as if she's auditioning for a part in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. But after the dull-minded evil-doers have been banished, Nina starts plodding around again like an old woman in search of her reading glasses. Our advice: go to the game store, stare at the box cover, marvel at how hot Nina is, and then put the game back on the shelf. Congratulations, you've just had more fun than you would have had playing the game, and you saved yourself 50 bucks to boot!