First Look: "Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars"

Bowing to the fact that the Nintendo DS is the Kelly Bundy of video games—cute as a slut button; has the processing power of a broken lawnmower—Rockstar is foregoing even attempting shoehorning GTA IV onto a portable console. Instead, *cue Justin Timberlake's music* they're bringing top-down back. Oh yes, top-down gameplay—it's like playing God, if God were a post-pubescent gamer with the tendency to want to digitally blow things up. (That's you!) The new protagonist, Huang Lee, arrives on the scene and, according to the video, is ready...to...exact...revenge...on...the...other...people...in...OH C'MON ALREADY. Just finish the stupid sentence already, trailer-to-a-new-game!