Heavenly Sword

Imagine God of War starring a sexy lady dressed in hot pants instead of Kratos and his far-too-revealing loincloth, and you'd have Heavenly Sword. This game wowed us at E3 two years ago, but then somehow looked increasingly more terrible every time we saw it afterward. So how does the final product stack up? The combat sequences starring the leggy Nariko (check out the flank she's showing on the box cover!) feel exciting at first, but once you get locked inside the umpteenth arena with yet another swarm of identical-looking bad guys descending upon you—followed by another, then another, then another—you'll consider hiring the neighbor kid who mows your yard and fucks your wife to press the triangle and square buttons for you. A few of the puzzles are a total bitch, the button-press sequence/finishing moves that the game steals directly from God of War require too much precision, and the sniper sequences wind up being even more tedious than the fighting. It's fun for a little while, and very flashy, but in the end, for everything Heavenly Sword does right, it does two more things wrong.