Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars

Reviewed by:
Scott Jones

This is one of those so-called real-time strategy games. Sounds pretty fucking dull, right? Well, think of "real-time strategy" like this: You're in a bar trying to conquer a woman's "enemy base," despite your hoagie-bloated belly, poor hygiene, and undersize penis. What tools can you use? Cologne, perhaps. A hairpiece? Oh, definitely. Or you can just go to business school and make $200,000 a year. The same principals apply to C & C 3. Create troops. Build tanks. Then put your "war machine" into motion and take it to those motherless sons of whores. This was originally a PC game, so trying to navigate the battlefield without a keyboard is like trying to drive a car with the backs of your knees. We originally gave the game a 3 out of 5, but then awarded it a bonus Billy Dee Point just for putting Billy Dee Williams to work.

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