BioShock

Reviewed by:
Scott Jones

Whatever you're doing right now at this very moment, stop. We don't care if you're in the middle of squeezing out a long corn-tastic turd, or if you're having a jack to some just-downloaded porn. Put your pants on, push a comb through your hair, and get to the nearest game store and buy BioShock. No jokes. Gorgeous. Creepy. Thrilling. Gears of War was nice and all, but this, boys and girls, is the first full-blown next-generation gaming experience. After your plane crashes into the ocean—blame it on those drunken pilots—you dog-paddle your way to a nearby lighthouse, where you find a tiny submarine/elevator that takes you to the bottom of a lost-in-time city known as Rapture. Once you're down there, you'll find a civil war of sorts going on between people who've fucked up their genetic code and turned themselves into monsters and the people who haven't. Your left hand wields your "plasmids" (powers like lightning, fire, and the ability to turn Jessica Biel on at a hundred paces) and your right hand wields more traditional weaponry, like shotguns and so forth. But the weapon you'll use most in this game is your booze-soaked gray matter. Forget Finding Nemo; under this sea, you'll have to be pretty goddamn crafty to circumvent the horrors you're about to encounter. Prepare to dive! WOOGAH!

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