Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast

Reviewed by:
Scott Jones

Who's in the mood for a cart-racing game starring monkeys who fly around on jet-propelled bongo drums? OK, for the two of you who raised your hands, 1. FUCK OFF, and 2. This game was made for you. Drum the Wiimote and nunchuck to make your Kong pick up speed. Which is kind of tiring and made our fat ache—even though doing so resembles two-handed high-speed self-pleasure, something we're actually pretty good at. Anyway, this game stinks, in case you haven't figured it out already. The A.I. cheats more than Bill Clinton. And there is nothing more pathetic than pretending to drum on an invisible bongo drum to speed your virtual bongo-rocket-propelled monkey, only to lose at the last second. Draft a memo, Ms. Peabody: To: Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast. From: Us. Message: You are about 8,000 percent less fun than having our prostate examined at the same time we are getting a root canal. Sincerely, Maxim.