Sydney 2000

Why buy nosebleed seats to watch bearded Yugoslavian chicks dominate freestyle handball when you can bring the 2000 Summer Games home instead? Pick a country (go, U.S.A.!) and compete in 12 frantic, button-mashing feats of strength, speed, and endurance. Rapid-fire prods at the game pad produce impressive performance improvements, though you may need to soak your aching fingers in Ben-Gay later. Hammer throw, weightlifting, and javelin competitions are surprisingly fun (nothing beats lobbing lethal weapons and hoisting barbells like kegs of cheap beer), but the skeet shoot is a bore, not even allowing you to use your French opponent for target practice. Coaching is available for that extra edge, although winning the gold is actually kind of a breeze. Hmm…we can smell the Olympic Committee scandal already.