For every Nathan Drake and Nico Bellic, there's a withered pile of flesh that, despite a steady diet of Geritol and bingo halls, manages to hold his own in the treacherous world of virtual reality. Here is our absolutely random, but nevertheless ranked, list of our favorite elder statesmen in gaming. By Gerasimos Manolatos
4. The Old Man (<i>The Legend of Zelda</i>)- Age: Unknown
Who else upon arrival offers you bombs, candles, swords, magical shields and meat on a stick, sometimes even for free? This guy—the mysterious old man who shows up in a cave near you. We're not sure what he's doing hiding there, but we guess if he's lived this long while others are being turned into dragon farts, we shouldn't ask questions.
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3. Wang Jinrei (<i>Tekken</i> series)- Age: 105
The oldest contestant in the King of Iron Fist tournaments, Wang practices Xingyiquan, a very aggressive form of Chinese martial art that focuses on bursts of debilitating acute attacks. In contrast, gamers practice whatever the technique name is for "staring in amazement at the jiggling breasts of the female opponent."
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2. Zeus (<i>God of War</i> series)- Age: Unknown
It'd take one vengeful god to dare go toe-to-toe with Kratos, the dismemberment-happy protagonist of the series. Enter Zeus, the top dog in Mount Olympus and, coincidentally, Kratos' father. Fearing his demise was imminent with the increasing power of his son, the new God of War, Zeus employed betrayal and vengeance to bring Athens back to the status quo. We last saw him cowering with his fellow gods as Kratos and the Titans climbed up the mountain to kill him, but never count out someone who shits lightning and craps thunder...literally.
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1. Yoda (<i>Star Wars</i> series, <i>Soul Calibur IV</i>)- Age: 900 years old
The quintessential sage of the Jedis, Yoda really only needed one game to rise to the throne of the baddest of the bad: Soul Calibur IV. We're still skeptical of the whole tie-in with the Soul series, but start pulling off mega-combos with the miniature Star Wars whirling dervish, and you'll know messing with the wrong guy, you are. Hmmmmmm.
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Almost Old & Badass- William "Bill" Overbeck (Left 4 Dead): He's still in his 50s and has been replaced by a high school football coach in the sequel.
Ric Flair (Command & Conquer Red Alert 3): He got KTFO by a Soviet bear.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid series): A flaw in the cloning process accelerated his aging, so he's only fake old.
Shang Tsung (Mortal Kombat series): He embraces his feminine side by possessing his female opponents.
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10. Hoy Quarlow (<i>Super Punch-Out!!</i>)- Age: 78 years old
Your grandpa might use his walker to scare away the neighbor's dog, but Hoy takes it one further. Stepping into the ring at 100 pounds soaking wet, the withered boxer carries around a wooden cane with which he uses to beat opponents senseless. Floyd Mayweather, Jr.: Watch your back.
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8. Chin Gentsai (<i>The King of Fighters</i> series)- Age: 89 years old
Most fighters need a strict training regimen and diet to compete at the highest level. But don't tell that to Chin, who strings along a few containers of alcohol to help him get through the grueling tournament. Despite being hammered, Chin uses it to his advantage, blowing fire from his mouth and setting himself on fire to block incoming attacks. Not exactly the best technique, but hey, we've seen worse from drunk octogenarians. (We're looking at you, Grandpa at last year's Thanksgiving dinner.)
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7. Master Splinter (<i>TMNT</i> series)- Age: Unknown
Before the networks turned him into a metrosexual gray rat with a neatly carved walking stick, Splinter was a brown, scruffy geriatric with one-and-a-half ears and a cracked tree branch. But one thing hasn't changed: He still kicks Foot Clan ass.
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6. Gen (<i>Street Fighter</i>)- Age: 94 years old
We reconsidered his placement on this list after an appearance in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. (Seriously, does Robin Chou have to play every Asian portrayed in a video game movie?) Thankfully, Street Fighter IV reminded us that his down-front-down-front-punch is one of the best around.
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9. Caffeine Nicotine (<i>Samurai Shodown</i> series)- Age: 288 years old
You'd think someone this old would hang it up and live off his warrior social security checks. True to his name, Caffeine Nicotine uses his centuries of knowledge of the exorcism arts of Togakushi to completely leave opponents seeing stars. We wouldn't want to mess with anyone who can summon an electric hawk, anyway.
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5. Shun Di (<i>Virtua Fighter</i> series)- Age: 97 years old
A utilizer of drunken kung-fu, Shun Di—which translates to Morning Glory Emperor—puts aside his teaching gig at his local gym to participate in the World Fighting Tournament. Then, like all creepy old dudes do, he becomes infatuated with one of his former students and stalks him for three whole games. Shun: Chris Hansen would like a word with you.
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