If you call them "Easter eggs," we'll have to kill you.
1. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (PS2, Xbox)-
Hidden away in some deep, dark, tangled bit of programming code on your San Andreas game disc lurks a sex minigame that was never supposed to see the light of day. But a 37-year-old loner from the Netherlands did what loners do: He discovered the code, and dragged it into the light, giving anti–video game politicians a reason to get out of bed in the morning again. If Rockstar has any balls—and we know they do—their next game will be a full-on sex simulator titled Hot Coffee. But for the moment, Hot Coffee, hands down, wins our award for "Best Video Game Secret of All Time."
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2. God of War (PS2)-
When you enter the throne room on Olympus, instead of planting your hams atop your gleaming golden throne, proceed to destroy both the two statues (one is a minotaur; the other is Ares). It'll take a while, but keep hacking away, and eventually, the game will cut to a screen showing a phone number. Dial it to hear a goofy dialogue between Kratos and the game's maker, the pudgy David Jaffe. (Hey, it's your lucky day! Here's the phone number. Thank us later! 1-888-447-5594)
3. Mercenaries (PS2/Xbox)-
Flying helicopters, driving tanks, and mowing down hundreds of dumb-ass enemy soldiers is fun, but it's 42 percent more fun if you do it as Han Solo. Collect 110 weapons-of-mass-destruction blueprints, and Han "I Know" Solo is yours.
4. Gears of War (Xbox 360)-
Take a closer look at the rubble that the Berserker leaves behind during Act V (the one on the train), and you'll see boxes of breakfast cereal called Gears Crunch. Hammer of Dawn Prize Inside!
5. LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (PS2, Xbox, Xbox 360)-
Open the right door during the game's second level, and you'll startle a posse of off-duty storm troopers enjoying a nice hot soak. Ahhhhhh. Now tell that whore Leia to bring us another round of mint juleps!
6. Resistance: Fall of Man (PS3)-
Nathan Hale (one of our choices for Greatest Video Game Heroes of All Time) kicks mucho ass in this ultraserious sci-fi shooter. But take a closer look at the tall grass…and you'll find garden gnomes hidden away.
7. Half-Life 2 (PC/Xbox 360/PS3)-
The G-Man—the mysterious dude with the gaunt face and cheap Men's Warehouse suit—pops up all over Half-Life 2, but you'll have to have quick eyes to catch him. Our favorite: when he can be seen on a television being watched by an alien. Now, give us back the remote, Hee Haw is on.
8. Doom II (PC)-
In case you never made it to the end of Doom II, the final boss is really just this big mural of a goat skull. But slip your way behind the mural, and you'll find the real boss: the head programmer/genius/part-time long-haired douche bag, John Romero, on a stick.
9. Duke Nukem 3D (PC)-
The Duke clocks in again at number nine with this Caddyshack reference at the bottom of one of the game's swimming pools. Repeat after us: "Doody!"
10. Duke Nukem 3D (PC)-
You'll find a phone number, appropriately enough, written on the wall in the bathroom in one of the game's early levels. Dial it. Tell Jenny we say "hi."