12. Tekken: Dark Resurrection (PSP)The best portable fighting game ever makes for quick, satisfying matches. And it makes for quick, satisfying dumps. Who knew that kicking a big panda around for 30 seconds could be more effective than a bushel of cabbage and a handful of Crap-Be-Gone pills?
Recommended Dose: Six or seven matches will be more than enough to get your Hershey's Kisses queued up and ready for departure.
11. Advance Wars: Days of Ruin (DS)The only thing that will be "ruined" is your Fruit of the Looms, should you play this game without a working toilet within a 10-foot radius of you.
Recommended Dose: Four to five back-and-forth turns against the A.I. will cause your innards to rumble like a runaway log truck careening down Wizard Sleeve Canyon. Aiiiieeeeeeee!
10. Trauma Center: Under the Knife (DS)
Our highly scientific studies show that using the DS stylus to perform fake operations on annoying patients somehow results in a 62 percent uptick in poop output.
Recommended Dose: Even if you ate an entire bag of old dried-out beef jerky last night—beef jerky that expired during the Roosevelt administration—a single in-game operation is all it should take for you to finish your business.
9. Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords (DS/PSP)We realize it's nothing more than Bejeweled crossed with a fairly pedestrian role-play game. And yet, there's something magical about Puzzle Quest. Something that makes us want to play it. All the time. Which includes during our tail-growing sessions.
Recommended Dose: A couple of quickie puzzle battles should be enough to get all the evil out of you.
8. Peggle (iPod)Sure this game looks all cutesy on the outside. But beneath that Technicolor exterior beats the heart of a beast that's far more addictive than crack. One common trait that we've noticed among our favorite toilet games is that they tend to involve clearing out something. And yes, clearing away the orange pegs in each level of Peggle is the equivalent of clearing out your colon. Plus, we've taken to nicknaming those cute little turds that get stuck in our ass hairs "peggles." Example: "My you're a tenacious little peggle! Why, you brown scoundrel, it took two extra wipes to disengage you from our backside. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Recommended Dose: One medium-difficulty stage in Quick Play is all you should need.
7. Geometry Wars: Galaxies (DS)This riff on the old Astroids formula is dandy on the DS, with tons of levels to unlock, and a little upgradeable drone that functions as your sidekick. Trust us, your rectum will be doing its best imitation of Munch's The Scream when you bring this cart into the can with you.
Recommended Dose: Once you lose all your ships, grab the handle and send your spawn back to hell.
6. Every Extend Extra (PSP)The only thing you'll be extending is your bathroom time with this bizarrely addictive UMD. And when we say "extend," we mean turds so lengthy, a Special Ops agent could use them to rappel down the side of a building.
Recommended Dose: When you reach a boss, it's time to reach for T.P.
5. Lumines & Lumines II (PSP)This PSP puzzler proved to be so addictive that gamers were bringing the game into the outhouse with them. Once there, they found themselves so entranced by the game's techno soundtrack and square-matching action that they not only shat out all their Whoppers, Doritos, and undigested red meat, but they also completely lost track of time. Upon finally leaving the outhouse, they emerged to discover that: 1. they now had Rip Van Winkle–type beards, and 2. the world had been destroyed by either nuclear war or that tentacled thing in Cloverfield.
Recommended Dose: One round per john visit.
4. Phase (iPod)This music-gaming hybrid from Harmonix, makers of Rock Band and the original Guitar Hero games, lets you synch your personal playlist with a simplistic, but completely addictive, video game. Spin your iPod's click wheel in time with the music, gain multipliers, and earn high scores, all while squeezing out last night's rectum-scorching beer crap.
Recommended Dose: Three songs or less per squat. Unless one of the songs happens to be "Stairway to Heaven." Then, and only then, one song will do.
3. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 (DS/PSP)Picture it: The back nine at Pebble Beach. Virtual waves crashing against the shoreline. A seabird cries from the nearby stand of trees. If this soothing setting doesn't cause your rectum to dilate, nothing will.
Recommended Dose: Play a hole each time you crap. One round of golf = 18 shits.
2. Wipeout Pulse (PSP)We'll state the obvious: It was the word "wipe" that originally made us haul this UMD into the john with us. But what made it a john staple was not the high-speed futuristic racing action, but the game's weapons—especially that juice-sapping Energy Drawer (it saps the energy from your opponent while refilling your own tank). Warning: Draining someone's shields to nil then ramming into them until they explode may cause intense involuntary crowning.
Recommended Dose: Run a single race of three laps or less per bowel evacuation.
1. Tetris DS (DS)Five words: "Come on, long skinny one!"
Recommended Dose: One round per dump. Unless you're a Tetris pro and your rounds last more than 10 minutes. Because four out of five doctors agree that sitting on the toilet for more than 10 minutes can cause damage to your sphincter. And five out of five doctors agree that staying in the bathroom for more than 10 minutes can raise suspicion that you are not crapping at all, but enjoying a bout of high-speed self-pleasure.