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14. <i>Prey</i> (2K Games; 2006)-

Cleanliness factor: 0/10

Realism factor: 10/10

This toilet looks like Kirstie Alley and Bruce "Hollywood Squares" Vilanch were trying to spell out the words STAR JONES on it with their rectums after a midnight Arby's run. Forget trying to clean this place: Just scatter some jet fuel, light a match, and move to the next-closest state.

13. <i>Alone in the Dark</i> (Infogrames; 1992)-

Cleanliness factor: 10/10

Realism factor: 0/10

We're not sure why this lady has a cranium shaped like a potato. Or why she has big, red, juicy, kissable lips. Or why those big, red, juicy, kissable lips are smiling. Or maybe she's happy that she's starring in the video game that would one day be made into a terrible movie starring Tara Reid and Christian Slater.

12. <i>Half-Life</i> (Valve; 1998)-

Cleanliness factor: 8/10

Realism factor: 4/10

Here is a scientist doing his best imitation of Rodan's "The Thinker." Or maybe he is contemplating the Pythagorean Theorem. Or maybe he's just squeezing off a long, snaking, black, shining, corny turd. We're guessing it's number three.

11. <i>Max Payne</i> (Rockstar Games; 2001)-

Cleanliness factor: 7/10

Realism factor: 6/10

Ask Elvis: There's no shame whatsoever in dying on a toilet. None. But dying while wearing silly underpants? Let's just say that this just-shotgunned guy has brought much shame on his house. Much shame.

10. <i>Grand Theft Auto IV</i> (Rockstar; 2008)-

Cleanliness factor: 3/10

Realism factor: 9/10

Usually, you walk into a public toilet in NYC to find someone had used the stall as their own personal ass canvas. The citizens of Liberty City, however, at least have the common courtesy to wipe and then throw it on the floor.

9. <i>Redneck Rampage</i> (Interplay; 1997)-

Cleanliness factor: 1/10

Realism factor: 6/10

Rule No. 1 when using the outhouse: Toilet paper is always known as "shitter paper." Always. No exceptions. Rule No. 2 when using the outhouse: Try to relax when bottle flies the size of John Travolta's Cessna buzz your holiest hole.

8. <i>Doom</i> (id Software; 1993)-

Cleanliness factor: 8/10

Realism factor: 3/10

According to Doom, humans will one day live on Mars in fancy space stations. Demons will take over those space stations…until they realize that all the space station toilets look like this piece of granite. Our poop pillows ache just looking at it.

7. <i>Hitman: Contracts</i> (Eidos; 2004)-

Cleanliness factor: 9/10

Realism factor: 8/10

Want to make this little scene happen in the game? Load up the "Bjarkhov Bomb" level. Dose the borscht with laxative. After your target eats a few spoonfuls of the tainted soup, tail him as he makes a beeline to the nearest men's room. Once he's comfortably seated on the commode, whip out your silenced pistol and…well, you know what to do here, don't you, killer?

6. <i>The Sims</i>; (EA; 2000)-

Cleanliness factor: 10/10

Realism factor: 7/10

Unlike every other dismal, dank, windowless 'throom on this list, this Sims 'throom is big, bright, and just plain beautiful. Just the sight of this bowl and all that glorious square footage makes our turds start queuing up in our lower intestines like fans waiting in line for Jim Belushi's autograph.

5. <i>System Shock 2</i> (EA; 1999)-

Cleanliness factor: 2/10

Realism factor: 5/10

There's a pool of something pretty damn unsavory on the floor of this particular bathroom. Our guess: Either someone dropped a very small pan pizza, or else Dad has been dosing his coffee with peach schnapps again.

4. <i>Metal Gear Solid 4</i> (Konami; 2008)-

Cleanliness factor: 9/10

Realism factor: 9/10

Squat-walking through enemy territory would make anyone want to fire off a massive napalm bomb. It's good to know that even when your world is coming down around you, there's always a gleaming porcelain ammo dump waiting for you just 'round the corner.

3. <i>Tomb Raider 2: Dagger of Xian</i> (Eidos; 1997)-

Cleanliness factor: 10/10 (bonus points for the bidet!)

Realism factor: 8/10

Proof that even Lara Croft must make a doody on occasion. Of course, her doodies come out smelling like oven-fresh éclairs and wrapped in pink bows. Unlike your doodies, which look like those melting Nazi heads from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

2. <i>Counter-Strike</i> (Valve; 1999)-

Cleanliness factor: 7/10

Realism factor: 6/10M

Despite his doctor's recommendations, Chester refused to cut back on his diet of Raisinets, beef jerky, and Jägermeister.

1. <i>Duke Nukem 3D</i> (3D Realms; 1996)-

Cleanliness factor: 5/10

Realism factor: 4/10

Duke was the first game to dive headfirst into the murky, log-filled virtual septic tank. We were thrilled when we popped open stalls and found random aliens dropping a load of gravel. Maxim Tip: Pop the alien in the head, bust up his toilet bowl, and then take a big hearty drink of toilet water for a health boost."

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