The Adventures of Darwin

This looks like the kind of tripe that should be buried in a desert landfill next to those old Atari 2600 E.T. cartridges. So you can imagine how delighted we were—or maybe we were just drunk; really, who can tell anymore?—when we found ourselves playing this cheapie disc (it's under $20) and enjoying ourselves. Imagine a real-time strategy game crossed with a third-person action game. Better yet, imagine a car battery crossed with a loaf of bread. Or a candy bar crossed with a bra. You start the game as a leader of a tribe of monkeys. Man, this game reminded us of just how much we fucking love monkeys. Your job is to evolve your tribe of primates into leopard-print-wearing cavemen. Teach your monkeys to hunt, build, and smoke cigarettes. Is there anything funnier than the sight of a smoking monkey? Or better yet, a cigarette-smoking monkey riding a bicycle? Or even better, a smoking monkey riding a bicycle while wearing a diaper? T-Rexes and woolly mammoths will try to kill you, but survive long enough, and your primates will start wearing clothes, because they'll feel ashamed of their nakedness. And then they'll build a Wal-Mart, where they can buy cheap clothes to hide their shame under.