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The Unsung Heroes of Halo

Halo 3: ODST has finally been released to the feral, unwashed masses and it's quickly taught us that Bungie doesn't need a stinkin' Master Chief to sell into the millions. The game puts players in the combat boots of a ragtag group of orbital drop shock troopers who drop into the East African base of New Mombasa to shed light on the evil intentions of the Covenant. But, while the Chief and his military buddies get to shine in the spotlight while saving the world, there are a number of characters that are just as vital to creating the creepy and weirdly comical world of Halo, but take a backseat in notoriety. Until now.

Captain "NoBullets" Keyes (Halo: Combat Evolved)
The Cap had served in the UNSC navy for thirty-five years, was awarded nine medals of achievement, and eventually lent a hand in bringing down the first halo. But, don't rely on him for a gun with ammo in it. You meet up with him for the first time in the navigation room of the Pillar of Autumn where he offers you a handgun and then practically tells you to GFYS. No worries, though—you get revenge on him by smashing his skull with your fist later on in the game.


The George Costanza Grunt (Halo 3)
Those in a rush to actually finish the game will have missed this short, stocky Covenant minion attempting to dis you on the way to Spartan Valhalla. Before you make the final leap into the UNSC dropship at the end of Halo 3, turn your 'hog to the right to find the grunt yelling the line made famous by the Seinfeld Oompa-Loopma: "Hey, Demon! The jerk store called, and they're all out of you!" The platforms around you will begin crumbling, so be quick, lest you want to, like the actor's career, wind up at a dead end.




Apocalyptic Huggers (Halo: Combat Evolved)
We guess impending doom and destruction is as good a time as any to come out of the closet, which explains this strange Easter egg found in the original Halo. Those brave enough to have endured the game on legendary difficulty were treated to Sergeant Johnson and an Elite soldier fighting over an assault rifle. Realizing the Pillar of Autumn was about to explode (and turn the halo they were stationed on into intergalactic space shit), Johnson says "This is it, baby. Hold me." His enemy obliges, copping a feel in the process. Thankfully, they both died in the blast, or else Halo 2 would've been really awkward.


Note: This ending is not considered canon.


Depressed Monkeys and Their Binky (Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST)
Someone at Bungie sure has a sense of humor. Survive a few intense firefights in the African jungle of Sierra 117 and you'll have the opportunity to catch a glimpse of a monkey family chilling along the mountainside, the largest holding a stuffed animal. They aren't the only primates to make an appearance: You can find a monkey on top of a ledge later on in the level, another one to the left of the screen during the epilogue of ODST, and you, after playing Xbox Live deathmatches for 46 straight hours.




Purple Dildomobile (Halo 3: ODST)
It's one thing to have to take orders from a guy named Johnson, but try sitting through a meeting in the warroom with this monstrous virtual cockship staring you in the face and not feel like you're on the wrong side of the fight. Making matters worse, the Covenant assault carrier shown here is penetrating New Mombasa's defenses with a thick stream of hot laser discharge. Those suffering from faux genital overload should avoid downloading the forthcoming goatse add-on.


Exhibitionist Developer (Halo 2, Halo 3)
In one of the more "did I just see a half-naked dude?" moments in the series, Jason Jones, co-founder of Bungie Studios, makes an appearance wearing nothing but his gym shorts in two of the Halo titles. (You must be on legendary difficulty to catch it.) We're not sure if this was a gag put in for the fans, or one really shitty way to lose a bet amongst now former friends. Whatever the case, it certainly kicks the series up a few notches on the "Secretly, The Gayest Game Ever" scale.


Overly Protective Guard (Halo 3)
Locked behind the door of the UNSC armory, the anonymous soldier denies access to his mate because he doesn't know the password, even with a sign nearby that clearly states the area is under video surveillance. Either he doesn't know this or the military blew their surveillance budget on intergalactic hookers and wild nights in hyperspace. If they're that thrifty, they should've just put up a sign that says: "Beware, enemies—this base is protected by Optimus Prime. You're gonna be sorry, dude. We mean it. C'mon don't kill us, man."




Brute With a 'Going Problem' (Halo 3)
You may not be the sneak-up-behind-a-dude-while-he's-peeing type, but when the dude in question is an extraterrestrial urinating in a maximum security base, you get a free pass. This Covenant ship must have some really crappy lavatories if the best place to relieve oneself is the nearest corner, but we're guessing this guy wishes he held it a bit longer now that all of YouTube can see his alien wiener. The moment is made all the more stranger when Cortana says, "Chief, tap 'im out." Uh, pass?




Flipyap (Halo 3)
Aw, Flipyap. We love Flipyap. After you murder him, one of his fellow grunt buddies will tell you all about him: "You killed Flipyap! Or Yapflip, was he...It was Yapflip...No, Flipyap is his brother. Don't tell me I don't know Flipyap! Flipyap and I went to Nipple Academy together! And...and now he's dead..." Wait, a second—Nipple Academy? Hey, Bungie, what button do we press to go there?




O.J.-Trained ODST With Mysterious Knife (Halo 3: ODST)
[Spoiler Alert] At the beginning of the game, you get introduced to Romeo, the singular black guy in your squad. In other words, if someone important is going to die first, it's probably going to be him. So, we weren't surprised when he was 1.3 seconds away from being offed by a Covenant soldier wielding a humongous gravity hammer. However, we were surprised by one of his comrades pulling out a shank and stabbing the alien in the neck. All that was missing was a dead chick, size extra large gloves, and a white Bronco. Not only are there no usable knives in any Halo title, but 195 bullets to enemies' heads leaves them tickled pink while one little stabby-stabby kills them.

Sources
Halopedia
YouTube