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The Weirdest Things in Video Game Hell

Hell isn’t exactly on everyone's itinerary for a vacation stay. It’s where really bad dudes and fiery minions of the wretched lord of the underworld Satan reside. (Coincidentally, it has also produced a number of great rock songs.) But, according to video games, the road to Perdition isn't simply paved with hellfire and brimstone, rather creatures that range from the strange to the just plain mind-boggling. These are the 666 10 weirdest...

Cleopatra's Tonguish Bosom (Dante’s Inferno)

Dante’s Inferno could easily hold down every single spot on this list and still have enough oddities left over for a sequel. But the climax of the games’ “Lust” circle takes the cake. Seriously—Double-you tee eff? In as many stories as have been told about Cleopatra, no other has depicted her as the giant boss of a dark tower who actually dispatches enemies, including unbaptized babies with razor arms, from her mammaries. Her nipples appear inverted at first, but then tongues begin to lap out from them. Though it’s hard to turn down bare breasts, it's the most disturbing skin moment in video games since King Hippo's mesmerizing manboobs.

The Left Arms of Hades (God of War II)

At the outset of God of War II, Kratos is killed by Zeus, sending him to Greek mythology’s equivalent of hell, an underworld where the eponymous Hades is ruler. His second of three visits to the domain is brought about the pitch black arms of Hades reaching up through the soil, wrapping their deathly fingers around his ash-covered flesh and pulling him under. Kratos must then climb back up to the realm of the living, fighting the wall full of arms along the way. If that wasn’t weird enough, watch that scene with the Arms of Hades once more and realize that they’re all left hands. Hades is a southpaw, apparently.

A Candy Shop, With Steroid Lollipops (Bayonetta)

When Bayonetta isn't whipping feral minions into shape with her Optimus Prime-like hair—it transforms into ultimate weapons of destruction—she's visiting The Gates of Hell, a tavern shop run by an interesting guy named Rodin. (Think Tommy "Tiny" Lister on a Barry White kick.) Along with the usual death-dealing fare and magical accessories, he sells performance enhancers in the form of red, green, and yellow lollipops. This must have been what 50 Cent was rapping about.

Death Is a Moleman (Sam & Max: Season 2)

The second season of Telltale’s Sam & Max series saw the dog detective and his sidekick go to hell in an episode titled, “What’s up, Beelzebub?” In pursuit of Bosco’s soul, the duo encounters personal hells that see demon babies appearing under Santa’s tree, Soda Popper Specs in bondage gear and Bosco naked. Mike Judge would also be pleased to know that Sam & Max’s version of hell looks a heck of a lot like an office building. But to get there, the duo must cross the River Styx. There’s a huge pile of Mimesweeper cartridges and molemen on either side of the tracks. As it turns out, Death is a character named Harry Moleman.

Jazz-Dancing Satan (Tony Hawk Underground 2)

The skateboard series Tony Hawk may not be the most likely franchise to set in hell (at least not before the abysmal Ride installment debuted), but players could actually visit a skate park in hell in THUG 2. It was no easy task: Only after beating the game could players skate in an alien base and by completing certain tasks eventually end up in hell. A few tricks in the right places put the skater face-to-face with the Devil…who spends his days lounging in his love seat and admiring the Martini neons on his walls and his nights dancing to jazz music in a smokin' jacket.

The Damned Chessmen (Devil May Cry 3)

Chess is known as a gentlemen’s game the world over, so it’s a bit surprising to see a board down in the Nether realm. It starts to make more sense, though, when the pieces move on their own, turning from blue to red as they try to unleash attacks against Dante. According to Devil May Cry lore, it is unclear whether the human version of chess was inspired by this board, or the other way around. Either way, no version of chess has been as deadly as the game against the Damned Chessmen.

A Travel Agency (Grim Fandango)

Leave it to Tim Schafer (developer of classics such as Psychonauts and Brütal Legend) to come up with an idea as silly as a travel agency in hell. Officially set in the “Land of the Dead,” Grim Fandango’s story explains those passing to the “Ninth Underworld of Eternal Rest” must endure a four year voyage that sounds about as treacherous as a marathon session of Superman 64. The exception, of course, is the well to do, who get preferential treatment even in hell. Manny Calavera is the hopeless skeletal soul tasked with booking packages to hell for people based on their lot in life, ranging from sports cars and cruises, to the Excelsior Line…a walking stick with a compass.

John Romero’s Head (Doom II)

The Doom series holds the undisputed title when it comes to weird things in hell. From the spherical Cacodemon, to the Spiderdemon (a huge brain with a face, and robotic, spider-like appendages), to the obese Mancubus, to a room full of hanging Commander Keen bodies, the list goes on with Doom. But the Easter Egg of an ending to Doom II reigns supreme. As the player enters the boss room in the final stage, Icon of Sin, a demonic voice plays. Played backward with the pitch changed, it sounds, “To win the game, you must kill me, John Romero.” Romero was a co-founder of iD, and if players enter the “IDCLIP” cheat, they pass through the goat head logo to see the severed head of Romero on a stake. Shooting it a few times, indeed, completes the game.

Jailer (Darksiders)

Darksiders stable of apocalyptic demons includes one tortured with inverted wings, as well as a bat-like monster with a clubbed tail. But the strangest of its cadre of hell spawn is the Jailer. He looks mostly like the average heavy demon type—stocky, big mouth, loincloth and some spikes. But the top half of his torso is actually formed by the remains of an untold number of cadavers. Hanging from this glowing bulk of decayed flesh are cages housing the souls of his victims. On a scale of unsettling characters, the Jailer ranks up there with Wal Mart greeters.

The Four Surfers of the Apocolypso (Afterlife)

The hell side of Afterlife features both birds and bats that poop on structures to reduce or increase efficiency, as well as a giant demon that disco dances, destroying everything in its path. But the SoCal crowd would be stoked to know that it’s surfing that brings about the apocalypse in one of the game’s four losing scenarios. The Four Surfers of the Apocolypso appear after players stay in debt for too long, riding fiery waves of destruction.