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<a href="" target="_blank">Condoms of the Month Club</a>- The next best option to riding bareback is…getting to try out a bunch of new condoms every month. This gift set guarantees diversity in style, texture, color, and, inevitably, size (yeah, yeah, we know, you wear large - that’s why you see a shrink twice a week and drive a bright yellow Camaro, right?) Club members receive one novelty condom each month, a small bottle of lube, and—in a show of creepy classiness --a velour pouch to hold your condoms and lubricant, and all for just $14/month for 12 condoms (2-12 months).

<a href="" target="_blank">Pickles of the Month Club</a>- Great things about pickles: They’re ready to eat anytime, they go with every meal, they last forever in the fridge (or so it seems when you’re drunk and hungry) and they’re great for shoving up your buddy’s nose when he passes out (and we don’t really mean “nose”, it’s just that our lawyers are watching). This company makes sure you get your mix of dill, sweet, bread and butter, sour, and spicy, starting at $49.99 for one jar/month for 3 months.

<a href="" target="_blank">Golf Balls of the Month Club</a>- As we said to our proctologist, there’s more to these balls than cute dimples. These are mid-to-top level brands like Taylor Made, Calloway, Titleist, Srixon, Bridgestone, Wilson, Dunlop, Maxfli, Nike, Precept, and Slazenger, starting at $49.99 for 3 balls/month for 3 months. No cheapo balls here, no siree! Really want to spend some cash? Opt for the $596.99 option. That takes balls.

<a href="" target="_blank">BustedTees T-Shirt of the Month</a>- You like funny t-shirts? The ones that say “Shit Happens” or “If You Can Read This I’m Not Planking” or “Suck It Trebek”? Or, y’know, actually funny ones? This is the place to browse hundreds of slogans and designs, where it’s $50 for one shirt a month for three months (also available in 6- and 12-month increments). Yes, they are 100% cotton and no, they do not offer plus sizes, so you’ll have to strike “sense of humor” off your OK Cupid profile, too, lardy.

<a href="" target="_blank">Black Socks Sockscription </a>- We don’t (and don’t want to) know why you’re always losing your socks, but we can tell you what to do about it. Stop looking around the house and forgetting to go out and buy them - just have them delivered to your door every month. That’s right: This company spits in the face of the evil dark lords of the wash, replenishing your ever-diminishing supply of socks with a monthly visit from the sock fairy (don’t call your postman that, he doesn’t like it).

<a href="" target="_blank">Vodka of the Month Club</a>- The Vodka of the Month Club is, like herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. Making sure your loved ones stay drunk way after the New Year’s party are different varieties of vodka, such as Charbray, Siku Glacier, and LiV, which can be sent to his/her door for 3, 6, 9, or 12 months so the boozin’ can last well into… at least March! Oh,alcohol. You’re our favorite family-destroying depressant.

<a href="" target="_blank">Hot and Spicy of the Month Club</a>- We know, we know… the last time you spiced things up you ended up like Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly. But this time, we promise things will be different (also, no, of course we haven’t seen Along Came Polly, we just typed in a random URL and that, uh, happened to come up. Oh, look, a puppy!). Once a month, take a break from the bland when you receive spicy chili, fiery salsa, or delicious wing sauce in the mail. Choose from a 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, or 12 month membership. And extra-soft toilet paper.

2011 Holiday Gift Guide: Gifts of the Month