<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/81202477/paper-mustache-straw-decorations¿" target="_blank">Mustache Straw</a>- A mustache is a hassle, as our grandmother could tell you if we hadn’t soaked her in gin and locked her in a closet. Everything from breakfast sandwich crumbs to beer foam gets stuck in it, and even when you don’t look like a walking trash heap, you look like a pervert or worse, a hipster. Still, for those that want a temporary stash, this straw is the fair-weather facial hair you've been looking for. It's perfect for all of those mustachio bashio-themed holiday parties, or those quiet nights alone when you like sipping a beer and pretending to be Tom Selleck (also known as “every night”).
12 for $10
<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/78407961/2-vinyl-decal-toilet-bowl-mushroom-cloud?ref=v1_other_2" target="_blank">Shit Happens Decal</a> - In life, shit happens. But more often than not, shit happens in the bathroom (this is not true of drunk people, old people or people who work at Maxim, where the dishwasher tends to be the preferred place to relieve oneself thanks to its comforting rhythmical noises and fresh zesty scent). Stick this decal on your favorite can as a reminder of the inevitability of your eventual downfall.
<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/73618425/for-rectal-use-only-envelope-seals-for?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=for+rectal+use+&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=" target="_blank">Rectal Stickers</a>- Want people to stop touching your stuff? No? Ok. But really, do you? You do? Ok then! Look no further than these “For Rectal Use Only” stickers. A few misguided souls will assume you stick everything you own up your butt, while the rest will, rightly, just assume that you’re not very funny and stay the hell away from you and your possessions. Either way, it’s win-win!
<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/53190871/donut-eraser" target="_blank">Donut Eraser</a>- Donuts have always been a problem-solving tool. The delicious pastry traditionally calms the soul of a distressed police officer, brings coworkers together (physically at least, as they crowd like vultures over a day-old Wildebeest carcass any time someone finds a box in the dumpster), and makes bad coffee a little more bearable. Yes, a donut can do a lot for us, so it makes perfect sense that our favorite "O" food would come in eraser form, fully equipped to smooth over any ugly mistakes (we are not implying that you should use this to suffocate your illegitimate children).
<a href="http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/e20b/" target="_blank">Scary Sound Greeting Card</a>- Anyone who’s been on the internet for the past decade has seen it - a website that asks you to turn your speakers up, pay close attention, put your nose on your monitor and then BAM, blood curdling scream, horrifically disfigured face and shat pants. Now you can add a little of that terror to your holiday (beyond Grandpa’s bowel movements) with these cards from ThinkGeek. It really IS better to give than to receive.