When going down your list of gifts, don't forget your least favorite people. After all, they're the most fun to shop for.
Chill Baby Volume Pacifier
Giving your friend this present would be a real dick move. But for your enemy... well, it's perfect! Give it to the most annoying person on the plane (no not the farter, but close): the person who brought baby and/or babies without pacifiers. Or just give it to your friend who won't shut up about his new baby on and off of Facebook. Can you tell we don't have kids?
Don't Be a Dick Cross Stitch Kit
The best part about this gift? Your dick friend has to sew the thing together before realizing you think he's a dick. On the flip side, if your friend sews this crappy gift together, maybe he's a really kind and patient person trying to utilize this terrible thing you gave him. So maybe you're the dick. BOOM. Dick!
Muffin Top Mold
If your enemy has a muffin top that you're tired of seeing every time he/she waves at you, bends over to pick something up, or sits down, this is a creative way to tell him/her. Prepare to get slapped or punched, though.
A Paula Deen Book
This was not Paula Deen's year, so her books are real cheap right now, y'aaallll! Give one to your snobbiest, foodiest, Bourdainiest nemesis. Keep your composure when they ask if it's a joke.
It's kind of insane that these boxes of nothing are a thing, but hand this over to your "As Seen On TV"-obsessed neighbor and watch a wave of disappointment wash over his face. A coffee pot that works in the shower? A sleeping bag for my head? Breakfast-scented dryer sheets!? You shouldn't have! And you didn't.
Buy this if you hate yourself, because no self-respecting human would ever spend $24 on this bullshit.
iPhone Selfie Kit
Here's a real treat for your pal on Instagram/Facebook/Twitter who can't contain their selfie-happy selves. (Why are you still their friend/follower, again?) Complete with stand, camera remote control, and charging cable, this has everything she needs for more duck lips, pouty, and "I don't know who farted in this bathroom!" faces. Unfortunately, she'll probably appreciate it too much. Ugh. Just unfollow.
Suck It! Cup
Got a co-worker who is trying to make every frigging holiday tradition on the planet happen in the office? Stop all the advent calendar, Secret Santa, White Elephant, Mistletoe chaos with one gift that says it all.
God, we love the holidays.
Check out Maxim's 2013 Holiday Gift Guide and the 5 Coolest Lasers You Can Actually Buy.