So what if you have to sell your organs on the black market to afford this stuff? It’ll be worth it in the end when you’re able to one-up Oprah.
Hottug, $14,000 - $21,000
Most regular Jacuzzis seem to work wonders on women, but compared to an ocean-going hot tub, that land spa makes you look like a sucker. This wood-fired tug boat gets water temps up to 100 degrees, can fit up to eight people and creates a romantic ambiance without any effort (bow-chicka-bow-wow). Just try not to take a leak in the water – not even the hottug can make up for that.
Bulleit Woody Tailgate Trailer, $150,000
Have you ever found yourself at a tailgate party, wishing that there was an actual full-sized traveling bar, rather than an ice bucket full of shitty beer and arm sweat? Well, thanks to this sweet trailer, your days of digging into those nasty buckets are over. Complete with a flat-screen TV, blu-ray player, state-of-the-art sound system and leather furniture, you can pretty much plan on living in it even after the tailgate is over (which you might have to do anyways, since it costs about the same as a house). It also comes with a years’ supply of Bulliet Bourbon and Rye, so you’ll constantly be greeted with cheers (as if you won’t be already—you’re pulling up in a fucking bar!)
Dolphin Seabreacher Boat, $75,000
Why would you wait in line to be nuzzled by a dolphin at SeaWorld when you can just buy your own mechanical one and skim through the ocean like a complete aquatic boss? Besides the opportunity to get in a fight with a manatee, obviously?
Game of Thrones Life-sized Throne, $30,000
A symbol of kings throughout the Seven Kingdoms, the epic throne was crafted from swords surrendered by enemies of Aegon I Targaryen. Which seems like a lot of effort, when you can just buy a replica for only the price of a year’s mortgage payments. If only Cersei dressed in a tattered loin cloth came with every purchase…
Russian T-55 main Battle Tank, $85,000
What could be better than driving around your very own Ruskie tank? Nothing! Get behind the wheel (do tanks have wheels?) and go Rambo on this country’s ass with your very own Soviet monster. There’s no better way to make a good impression in your job interview than showing up in one of these!
Sony XBR-84X900 4K Led TV, $24,999
Out of everything on this list, you’d think a TV wouldn’t be able to measure up, right? WRONG. This thing is a Godsend from technological heaven. 84’’ of flat screen goodness, this beast puts other television sets to shame with its 4K digital cinematography. No longer will you have to dwell in your misery of not getting tickets to see the team, concert, or IMAX special; Just take a seat in your living room and you’ll be glad you stayed home. Well, probably. It’s hard to tell, we’re always glad we stayed at home, but that’s because we have a birthmark in the shape of a giraffe’s dick on our forehead and children are mean to us in the street.
Mosquito XE Helicopter, $33,000
Looking for the best adrenaline rush of your life? Well here it is: A helicopter without the sealed cockpit, so you can literally feel the wind in your hair, face, and anywhere else you‘re looking to feel a breeze. Not only is this thing convenient, with its ability to forego traffic, escape the po po, and make you feel like a real-life Superman, it also looks spectacularly dangerous, which means it has to be cool. Right, mom?
Title MMA Competition Octagon Cage, $10,995.99
You know all of those fantasies you have about laying the smackdown on your buddies in an official MMA ring? Well, they’re about to be made possible, friend-o (you can properly thank us later). MMA competitions can officially start to take place in your backyard with this octagon cage, designed by the extreme sports’ fighters and trainers themselves. With cushioned padding and multiple bumper pads, you and your friends can circle each other warily for a few minutes before charging at each other, flailing ineffectually and then trying to pull each other’s hair before remembering that neither of you actually knows how to fight.
Constellation Collection: Vintage 1964, $25,432
How could you not want to down a bottle of whiskey from the year Goldfinger was released, GI Joes toys were introduced to the world, and the Rolling Stones’ first album hit the charts? By the collection’s name we’re going to assume that this dark chocolate mahogany whiskey tastes like thousands of little stars dancing on the tip of your tongue (we tried to buy a bottle and expense it to find out for sure, but were threatened with immediate dismissal).
This part-jet-ski-part-car-part-super-machine seems to have come straight out of a James Bond movie, except even he never had one of these bad boys. Needless to say, we want it just for that reason. Reaching up to 45 MPH on both land and water, this morphing machine has the engine of a BMW and an exterior that’s smoother than a velvet otter in an oil-slicked tuxedo. It’s also an authentic one-of-a-kind: No other US vehicle remotely similar can exceed 10 MPH. It’s clearly worth the body part you’ll be selling in order to pay for it.
More of the 2012 Maxim Holiday Gift Guide