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Maxim Magazine

Gifts for Your Brother

He’s tortured you, cajoled you, and generally made your life a living hell. So what’s the perfect gift to pay back a lifetime of wet willies and less-than-optimal privacy? We’re glad you asked. Did you ask? We’re going to assume you asked.

Xbox One, $499

Presumably called the Xbox One because it’s Microsoft’s bid to be the one box to rule all others in your living room, the Xbox One delivers next-gen gaming, all kinds of streaming entertainment, an exclusive partnership with the NFL, as well as letting you voice-control your cable box. If the TV remote and couch pillows are your sworn enemies, getting an Xbox One will deal them a deathblow from which they won’t recover. Also, it offers something for almost everyone in your family. You know, in case your holiday isn’t all about vengeance.

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PlayStation 4, $399

Sony’s wunderkind gaming machine is coming in hot this holiday season by offering a slew of different bundle options, so anybody on your list can get it with the games they want. This next-gen system is all about getting your game on, sharing it with your friends, and bragging to the world. If you’re a competitor, you’re gonna want the PlayStation 4 under your tree. 

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Call of Duty: Ghosts, $59.99

Activision’s latest blockbuster Call of Duty: Ghosts is storming living rooms everywhere, whether you’re rocking a trusty 360 or PS3, or a shiny new Xbox One or PS4. What can we say? Call of Duty is a phenomenon, giving young, old, and everyone in between an excuse to pick up a rifle and call in an air strike. If there’s a better way to celebrate the holidays than wielding heavy artillery, we’re not interested in it.
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Rocksmith 2014 Guitar Bundle, $200

If your wish list this year included a guitar, quick, swap that guitar out for the Rocksmith 2014 Guitar bundle. Ubisoft’s software comes in Xbox, PS3, and PC flavors, lets you connect the real, standard-sized starter Epiphone six string right into your console (or an amp), and has some of the best instructions, practice techniques, and exercises we’ve ever seen. The claim is that you can be playing guitar within 60 days of starting to learn with Rocksmith, but if you can’t learn enough Green Day to get laid within 30 days, we’d be surprised.
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Lightercase: 3-in-1 Case, Lighter, and Flashlight, $38


Smokers are well aware that the one thing for which there is no app is creating fire. There is an iPhone case for that, though. Sure, people might make fun of you when you’re lighting your cig with your phone and they’re lighting theirs with a lighter. What’s that? They don’t have a lighter and restaurants stopped giving out matches in 2004? It’s a fact; marvelously prepared people are rarely the butt of jokes. Get down on this crowd-sourced project before it ships in December/January.

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T-Fal OptiGrill, $180

Enough with all this giving nonsense. As humans, we’re inherently selfish creatures, so when your brother unwraps his gift this year, make sure there’s a little something for you in there, too. That’s what you get with the OptiGrill – the gift of no more overcooked burgers or steaks when you go over to watch the game, since your dumb sibling doesn’t know what a perfect medium rare means. All you do is set the dial and the grill automatically adjusts to the portions and the thickness of the meat. Happy holidays and all, man, but we’re just looking out for number one.
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Sons of Anarchy Cigars and Accessories, $20-100

If you have a brother who's really into FX's biker gang drama, you might want to get him these cigars – produced in Honduras with Nicaraguan and Dominican leaves – for three reasons. Firstly, it'll make him feel more like Ron Perlman while he strolls around the house in his homemade cut. Second, they're cheaper than buying him a Harley Davidson. And third, it's technically better for his health than getting into gunfights with the local police, the FBI, the IRA, and a Mexican drug cartel. Technically.
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Frank & Oak Canvas and Leather Messenger Bag, $125

Never mind the fact that your brother spent the majority of his childhood sticking forks in the outlets and stretching plastic bags over his head. And never mind the fact that he spent much of his adolescence playing Duck Hunt with the TV off. And never mind that he spent most of his young adult life wearing a denim jacket as pants because “it’s way better this way.” None of that matters when he walks into the job interview of his life, and he looks like the smartest guy in the room because of his Frank & Oak messenger bag. Until he starts talking, of course. Then, he’s screwed.
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94Fifty Smart Basketball, $295

Listening to your brother brag about how he dishes like John Stockton, but has the finesse of Dr. J is definitely obnoxious, but would it make it any less annoying if it were true? With the 94Fifty – a regulation ball that is equipped with a sensor that feeds an app on your phone through Bluetooth – he can work on his touch, passing, shooting, and dribbling. So, is his incessant bragging any more tolerable? Turns out, no, it’s not, but at least he’s better at basketball.
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Chaval Response-XRT Heated Leather Gloves, $390

We rely on electronics for so many important things in our life: our electric toothbrush, our electric hairbrush, our electric paintbrush, and, of course, our electric scrub-brush. But is there anything outside of brushes that we could possibly use electricity for? We thought it was not possible, but in fact, these amazing adjustable gloves from Chaval use brush-powering technology to keep your mitts warm and toasty for 5-7 hours in the snow. So from the time that you use your electric snowbrush to clean off your windshield, all the way until you get home and clean off your boots with your electric shoebrush, you won’t have to worry about your hands (because you already spend too much time worrying about changing brush batteries).
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NBA Big Logo Christmas Jerseys, $115

However cool they are, we’re definitely not saying that these futuristic, chromed-out, sleeved, special edition Big Logo jerseys can actually make you better at basketball. It would be an impossible thing to guarantee that you would somehow be able to hit that corner three that your asshole friend Brad always teased you about missing. Nah, we wouldn’t say that at all. But they’re available in all the teams that are playing on Christmas Day (and even some that aren’t), and these jerseys are guaranteed to turn people’s heads (especially Brad’s, while you are driving the lane on him).
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Bell “Rogue” Motorcycle Helmet, $250

Protecting your dome while on a bike is priority one. Just think, how are you going to wear a cool hat if your head is all jacked up? That’s why we strap on the Bell Rogue when we ride – we care about safety and we don’t care how nerdy it looks. Oh wait, it doesn’t look nerdy at all. In fact, it looks like you are some super badass gritty-reboot version of Shredder riding like hell on a hog.
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Antler King Crown Bar Knife, $61

A badass bar setup deserves a badass bar knife, and you aren’t getting any more badass than this blade made of real hand-gathered antler and pewter. Well, we guess it would be a little more badass if you used the actual functioning lightsaber that Luke used to amputate Vader’s hand, but seeing as how you won’t be able to procure that (because how are you even going to get to space?), this will have to do. And we believe it will do quite nicely.
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MRI Performance Athlete Competitive Series Dietary Supplements

If MRI’s dietary performance products are good enough for the Maximum Warriors, they’re good enough for your brother. The company has products to get you primed for a workout, carry you through the motions, and replenish your body afterwards. Whether or not it can get us off the couch and into the gym in the first place is still up in the air. So far, no.
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Stupefy RDM Signature Goggles, $190

We here at Maxim have dedicated our lives to diligently making sure that your mellow will not be harshed. We fight goggle distortion, fog, and vision obstruction – all things that can totally harsh said mellow. And in that fight, we’ve discovered that Shred Optics Stupefy RDM Goggles are the absolute best at eliminating all of those mellow-harshing factors. Using a valve to combat altitude changes between layers, a hydrophilic treatment to cut fog, and an extra-wide frame to help you see out of your periphery, these are the absolute best goggles to take to the mountain. Consider your mellow unmistakably not-harshed.
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2014 Yamaha FZ-09, $7,990

If you’re like us, you want to get your brother out on the open road. If you’re really like us, it’s because we are going to throw him out the damn window next time he brings up how much his new business (and obvious pyramid scheme) is going to make him. Well then, this is the bike for him. This stripped-down mean machine takes to the streets - cutting in and out of traffic with considerable pickup - just as easily as it screams down the open road. So not only can he hit the road, he can go far, far away.
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Duke Cannon Soap Military Field Box Gift Set, $49

Putting your life on the line for your country can be a messy business, so when we look for the best way to get clean, we look to our military heroes. Duke Cannon does as well, and that’s why these “big ass bricks” that are tested by Bravo Company 2-135 are all we need when we hit the showers. Not to mention that a piece of the proceeds goes to benefit veterans' causes (as if getting your ass military-grade clean wasn’t enough).

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