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Gifts for Your Creepy Uncle

Even creepy uncles need some love this holiday season. By which we mean, give them gifts. It looks like you two have been spending way too much time together.

Chris Elliott: The Guy Under the Sheets, $16.00


No one screams “creepy uncle” more than Chris Elliott, who made us laugh and creeped us out in equal measure on Letterman and in There’s Something About Mary. In his self-described “unauthorized autobiography,” the actor shares an array of comedic anecdotes from his childhood and his career. Sure to deliver an onset of crazed laughter, Elliott may be the only person who can truly relate to your creepy uncle (other than that weird neighbor with the potato obsession). And we mean that in the nicest way possible. 
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Sony’s Digital Recording Binoculars, $1,999.99


Ever see your uncle staring longingly out his window? Yeah, we have, too (and so has the chick next door). Stop him from squinting with these high-resolution binoculars that magnify up to 25X more than the naked eye and, best of all, record every inappropriate thing he sees. With full HD and 3D recording, as well as auto-focus capability, he’ll be sure to catch his subject in perfect lighting (and probably completely off-guard). 
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"Hello…Is It Tea You’re Looking For?" Mug, $16 

To say that Lionel Richie’s music video for his ‘80s jam “Hello” is super disturbing would be an understatement. What the hell was happening with that sculpture? Did anyone background check him and his mustache before hiring him as a teacher? And why, why was he allowed to stalk that poor girl so openly? So many questions left unanswered. What we are sure about is the greatness of this handmade mug, showcasing a clever pun alongside the singer’s hairy face. You’ll never see Lionel (or tea) the same way again.
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The Beer Buckle, $21


If your family gatherings are anything like ours, they start out great, then tumble into a tattered mess of spilled beer, shouting, and hurled canned goods. Solve the first problem while giving your uncle something extra creepy to strap to his groin with the Beer Buckle. Just strap the belt on, fold down the buckle, place the beer inside the metal ring, and voila! You’ll soon lose count of the number of times he asks if you want to suck on his cold one.
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Earl - Backcountry Survival Tablet, $299

We try to refrain from asking our creepy uncles direct questions about their whereabouts - mainly because that way, when we’re interrogated by the police, we won’t have to lie - but during long absences, we like making sure they’re safe nonetheless. With this rugged survival tablet, you’ll rest easy knowing he’s completely fine, on or off the lam. It can do virtually anything: Guide you through a desolate forest with its GPS system; send an SOS signal with its emergency radio; and give you enough time to avoid a natural disaster with its continual weather forecasts. Hell, with all that, he may just want stay in that cave he’s been hiding out in. 
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“I’m a Twat” Mug, $10


Show your uncle you love him the only way that matters: Through hilarious public embarrassment. This porcelain mug looks pretty unoriginal, until he finally reaches his last drop of coffee. Once angled up to his caffeine-loving face, his coworkers will get a good laugh at the bold “I’m a Twat” phrase written on the base. Assuming he actually has coworkers, or a job, that is.  
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Narrative Clip Camera, $279

James Bond enthusiasts and peeping Toms will get a kick out of this miniscule, automatic camera, designed to fit in your shirt pocket. It even has its own app, which gives the wearer a searchable and shareable photographic memory so they can…um…spread the love around (we’ll keep our assumptions to ourselves).
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Human Centipede Cufflinks, $12.50

If you enjoyed The Human Centipede, you are a bad person. If you enjoyed The Human Centipede 2, you are a terrible person. If you watch both regularly, congratulations! You are someone’s creepy uncle. Show your love for the worst kind of ass-to-mouth with these silver cufflinks that are guaranteed to put everyone else off their turkey dinner.
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Chef’s Knives by Edge of Belgravia, $44.09-$584.

The folks at Edge of Belgravia know a good knife when they see one. Sharp enough to effortlessly slice through meat (and whatever else your relative is looking to dice up), these Ceramic and Damascus Steel knives can be bought separately or as a set, and come in silver, lime green and black onyx. Just steer clear when he opens them up - who knows what his real plans are.
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DC56 Dyson Hard Vacuum, $330.00

We have our doubts about vacuum cleaners (that whole “cleanliness” thing doesn’t really interest us), but after finding out that this motorized cleaner/giant wet wipe can erase pretty much anything, including traces of illegal behavior or spilled bodily fluid, we were sold. Not only is this bad boy completely cordless, it also has a motor that spins at 104,000 rpm, allowing you to quickly clean every inch of space you somehow destroyed. Plus it gives the option of a more intense six-minute clean for tougher stains. You know, whatever those might be… 
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ThatsMyFace Customized Mask, $299

Introducing the creepiest thing we’ve seen in years: Customized wearable masks. Thanks to company ThatsMyFace, people are given the opportunity to fashion a mask of someone else’s face or, even more weirdly, their own. All you have to do is upload photos to their website and the company’s crafters start chipping away. It’s creepy, but also kinda cool, in a sociopathic, “I may kill you” sort of way.
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Pedestal Stand for iPad with Roll Holder, $48.04


This chrome pedestal that acts as a combined toilet paper stand and iPad holder is going to be super popular with a certain type of gentleman, for obvious reasons. Compatible with the first two iPad generations and offering a bendable neck, your uncle will be continually tied up with “food poisoning” and therefore not be around as much. It’s a win-win situation! 
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Jarred Taxidermy, Prices Vary

Ever wonder why you were banned from the basement when visiting your uncle’s house? Well, we’re here to break the news: Either he had his own meth lab down there, or he was perfecting his taxidermy skills (for your sake, we'll go with the latter). Keep him creative with these taxidermy-filled mason jars, featuring everything from squirrel hearts to fetal pigs. Hey man, whatever you’re into - as long as it isn’t our body parts stuffed in there.
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USB Squirming Tentacle,$14.99


Tap into your uncle’s love of Japanese fetish porn with this USB plug, whose only purpose is to slither against your laptop. We’d write more than that, but we’re already getting flashbacks to that time we caught him watching Akira in his underwear. 
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