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Gifts for Your Dad

Dear old Dad has put up with so much – your lack of respect for his perfectly-manicured lawn, never “turning down that garbage you call music,” the self-indulgent three years that you passed off as “finding yourself” – so this year show him you really care with these thoughtful gifts. But no matter what, never admit to being the one who scratched his Camry in 1992.

SKLZ Rapid Fire, $110

If you are anything like our Chief Content Officer Dan Bova, you enjoy zoning out while shooting hoops in your driveway. Also, if you’re anything like him, you royally suck and the ball is constantly smashing into your house or bouncing into your neighbor’s yard or squashing your wife’s flowers or pets. And don’t get him started about all that bending over to pick up the stupid ball. Why do this anyway?? HOW IS THIS FUN?! Stop yelling for a second and get to know the SKLZ Rapid Fire ball return system. This super-easy-to-install net hooks onto your standard backboard, and delivers most balls (and bricks) straight back to you, the shooter. It’s almost like a full-sized Pop-a-Shot, only there isn’t a pack of sauced college guys behind you screaming, “Hurry the fuck up so we can play, old man!”
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Garmin D2 Pilot Watch, $450

There’s a reason Top Gun won the Oscar for “Achievement in Being Undoubtedly the Coolest Movie of All Movies, Ever,” and that reason is that pilots are awesome. Garmin’s new D2 is designed specifically for pilots, but does that mean you have to be a pilot to wear one? Hell no! Strap this bad boy on and have access to a worldwide airport database, altimeter, and wireless access to flight plans. Does it also tell the time? Probably, but really, does that matter?
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Burton 2L Hellbrook Jacket, $300

Sitting down and having “the talk” with your father is not an easy thing to do. But at some point, you just have to swallow your doubt, and tell him that the disgusting beige overcoat that he bought from Burlington Coat Factory in 1984 just isn’t cutting it anymore. Sorry, what “talk” did you think we were referring to? We’re trying to get Dad into one of these 2L Hellbrook Jackets. They look great, and with the help of 3M’s Thinsulate technology, they’ll also keep his old bones warm all winter long. It’s the best possible scenario, mostly because every minute you spend talking to your dad about the jacket is time you’re not spending on that other talk. (We mean sex.)
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Tile, $20

Dads, always losing things, am I right, guys? Despite the hackiness of that trope, we’ve been locked out of our house with our dads one too many times to not spend 20 smackeroos on this ingenious little guy. Clip him to your keys or stick him to just about anything and the app on your smartphone will track it down to the inch. Did Pops lose his phone too? No problem, log on from any phone and see where your Tile is. You should probably get another one to stick on his phone, too, now that we think about it.
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Cowboy Cauldron, $800-$2,000

Every dad wants to be a cowboy; that’s just the long and short of it. Sure, he loves you or whatever, but if you think that he wouldn’t trade that minivan for a trusty hoss, you are dead wrong. So, before he sells your record collection for a pair of spurs and a six-shooter, get a jump on it and get the man this bowl of fiery goodness. It can be a fire pit, it can be a grill, but most importantly, it will be an outlet by which dear ol’ Dad can live out his most prized fantasy.
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Dual Beer Glass, $35

There is a method to pouring the perfect Black and Tan, and that method involves a spoon, patience, and finesse. And while delicious beer combinations (and spoon ownership) may be your dad’s specialty, patience and finesse, not so much. Enter the dual beer glass: Simply fill one compartment with the black, the other with the tan, and enjoy a perfectly mixed drink. It even opens up the door for beer combinations the likes of which we have never even seen – we are partial to half Chimay and half Olde English. We call it “The Extravagant Hobo.”
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40’ Everest Fir Commercial Grade Christmas Tree, $37,000

Dad is obviously delighted that you are home for the holidays. He loves the spirit of togetherness and family as well as the warm feeling of giving. But what he loves most of all is showing those Goddamn Hamiltons across the way that he can kick their asses up and down their idyllic and spirited street with his Christmas decorations any time he wants. So get Dad this 40' industrial pre-lit Christmas tree and give him what he really wants - the smug satisfaction of being the best in the neighborhood. Suck on that, Jerry Hamilton.
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Monsieur, The Robot Bartender, $1,500-$2,700

Tired of trying to get your dad to catch on to the newest technology? How many times have you told him that he doesn’t need to sign his name on a text, or that he can get his email from everywhere, not just his own computer? Well, we think we’ve found a piece of technology that Dad will take to pretty easily. You can use the interface to choose the theme of your night, or just choose a cocktail by taste or ingredient. You can also control the strength of your drink, so Pops can robotically get himself through the holidays in the most painless of ways.
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Spyder Lawn Mower, $1,200

Life is hard, and sometimes, it lacks awesomeness. So this season, give the gift of ease (with a heavy pinch of awesomeness thrown in). That’s exactly what the Spyder Robotic Lawn Mower brings to the table. Just plop down the cute little guy (that’s full of razor-sharp blades) and hit the button, and he’ll track back and forth until the lawn is one gorgeous, uniform size. And Dad didn’t even have to shut off the Golf Channel.
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Johnny Carson, $17

Often, the best written accounts of someone’s life come from someone else who spent a lot of time close to them, and, ideally, someone whom they absolutely hated for a good chunk of it. That’s the case with this biography of the undisputed King of Late Night, written by Carson’s former lawyer-turned-foe, Henry Bushkin. And while there seems to be a little bit of a score to settle in the pages, Buskin mostly gives a candid account of the entertainer’s reign at the top of the business.
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Sea-Doo Spark, $5,000

Sometimes a budget model doesn’t come at the expense of quality, and such is the case for the Spark. Sea-Doo, the most trusted name – that we are totally mature about and don’t snicker at because it has “doo” in the title, of course – in watercrafts has created a light and colorful personal watercraft that’s perfect for the adventurous dad with a taste for Pina Coladas. And at $5,000, it’s cheaper than almost anything else on the market. What, don’t you love your dad five-grand-worth? Oh. Well, there are also payment plans, so…
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Lomography Smartphone Film Scanner, $60

You think your dad is keeping all that developed film in the garage for his health? Of course not; he must, at a moment’s notice, be able to produce a photo of you dressed as a pirate from your 6th birthday, or that photo from Niagara Falls where your mom is looking off to the left for some reason. With the Lomography Smartphone Film Scanner, he can take all of those joyful and badly framed memories and commit them to his smartphone, where they will live forever (until he drops it in the toilet). If nothing else, at least it’ll clear out some room in the garage for that hog that Mom will never ever let him have.
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TaylorMade Performance Lab Club Fitting, $300, and Zepp Labs: GolfSense, $129

You could get Dad a new club, but let’s be real, he’s just going to throw it into a lake or break it over his knee like all the others. This year, give your dad the gift of a better swing (and the absence of frustration that probably would have taken 10 years off his life). TaylorMade Performance Labs offer 17 facilities around the country where pros will strap you into a motion-capture suit and look at every aspect of your swing, letting you know which clubs would be the best for you. And, if he ends up taking clubs home, half of the fitting fee will go towards the cost. If Dad can’t make it to a lab though, the Zepp Labs GolfSense is the next best thing. The sensor clips to his glove to capture his motion and incorporate it into one metric on the accompanying smartphone software: an all-encompassing “swing score.” Now he’ll only have to slightly fudge his card on the links.
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Buy GolfSense Now!


Dish Whiskey, $16

It’s no shock that stodgy ol’ Mom wouldn’t let this fly on her grandmother’s china, but there is undoubtedly a campsite, a cabin, or a man cave where this full-bodied and high-proof alcohol-infused soap belongs. Just don’t try to take a shot of it: We’ve been assured that it would do severe damage to your insides (and not the good kind).

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