"Be The Chef" Benihana Package, $140 for 4 people
For: The “I’m going to tell you I don’t want anything but I really want something fucking creative” Valentine
We’ve all heard it: “Valentine’s Day doesn’t really matter to me…all that matters is that we’re together.” That small statement is a dead giveaway that if you don’t come up with something good, she’s going to burn every important thing you own. So get your shit together and check out this Benihana “Be The Chef” package, a gift that will not only save your life, but also give you food. After a private training session with a famous Benihana chef, you and your significant other (and another couple, you dirty birds) will gorge on the five-course meal you expertly prepared for only $140. But let’s be serious – isn’t that priceless when you really look at it?
Portal Companion Cube, $4.99
For: You, If Your Girlfriend Loves You At All
Did you find the perfect gift, but suck at wrapping presents? Never fear. Provided the gift fits inside a 6” box (and if it doesn’t, you probably don’t need to worry about it, because you are probably rich and bought her a car and stop ruining Valentine’s Day for the rest of us, you rich jerk), this Portal Companion Cube-themed box is the ideal item for that video game-loving other half. Because there’s no better way to say “I love you” than with something that reminds people of comedic dystopian science survival horror.
LSTN Troubadour Headphones, $150
For: The Guy or Girl That Dragged You to Every Indie Concert You Couldn’t Care Less About
You could talk about the great look of these headphones, which are crafted out of reclaimed wood. You could talk about the comfort of the “plush earcups” (which coincidentally, was also the name of your significant other’s high school punk band). You could even talk about the great work they do making less fortunate people hear again. But the only thing that your sound-junkie will care about is how they sound. Rest assured, these headphones absolutely kill on every point of that spectrum.
Geneva Model XL Wireless Speaker, $2,299
For: The Girl Who Appreciates a Speaker Powerful Enough to Blow Her Clothes Off
The Model XL speaker does absolutely everything. No, really: It cooks, cleans, cuddles, and tells you that you look pretty when you’re having a bad day. Oh, wait – it’s actually your girlfriend who does those things. This speaker is just for music. But it is an awfully thoughtful way to show your appreciation for all that other stuff this Valentine’s Day. The Model XL is equipped with Bluetooth streaming, radio, alarm clock, CD player, and all the fancy, high-tech features you’d expect from a speaker that weighs a whopping 77 pounds – but for the hundredth time, does not look fat in that dress, and can we please go to dinner already?
Heart Meat Tartare, Price varies
For: The Adventurous Girlfriend (Or the girlfriend who takes things far too literally)
Has your girlfriend ever asked you to show a little more heart? Well, now is your opportunity to cram that sentiment right down her throat, in the most literal (and delicious) way possible. For the adventurous eater, you can stuff your face with raw heart meat this Valentine’s Day. Try going to Arsenal at Bluejacket Brewery in Washington, DC, where the menu – created by Executive Chef Kyle Bailey – includes beef heart tartare with minced shallots and chives, served over ciabatta (above left). Or try the beef heart tartare with pickled red onions (above right) from Chef Brad Spence at Amis in Philadelphia. Still hungry? Head to Mission Cantina in New York for a heaping helping of Chef Danny Bowien’s Hokkaido scallop and beef heart ceviche with capers, olives, and citrus (bottom). Talk about having your heart in your throat.
Happy Hour Timepieces: The Lightweight, $125
For: The Guy Who Left Your Gift at the Bar
We all know the sweet spot of the day comes right around Happy Hour (even though we’ve been known to indulge earlier), but we’re glad we finally have an equally decadent watch. The face shows only the most important hour of the day - 5PM - and, more importantly, the sturdy buckle doubles as a bottle opener. Utilitarian AND shameless? That’s our kind of timepiece.
Check out our other gift guides or our March Cover girl Laura Vandervoort!