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Maxim's 2014 Valentine's Day Gift Guide

This year, get the love of your life something that expresses how deeply you care for them. Or just get one of these stupid things!

Alex & Ani Bracelets, $28-$78 

For: The Girl Who Loves Her Initials

Your lady loves to get her monogram on. Letters on her bags, letters on her towels, letters on her letters (you know, like stationery). So this year, give her what she loves the most! Letters on her jewelry! Get your initials or hers (she will probably want hers) on an Alex and Ani charm bracelet. These bangles come in gold and silver and have a variety of charms—crystals, skeleton keys, hearts, and (you guessed it) initials! With prices ranging from $28 to $78, you could probably get her two! Check out their special Valentine’s Day Collection as well as the bracelets For Her, which work for any occasion.

Breaking Bad Gift Cards, $4
For: The Valentine Who Misses Breaking Bad Real Bad 

Breaking Bad may be over, but don’t tell your lady that, because she still longs for meth adventures with Walter, Jesse, and Saul. Cue these awesome cards from Etsy Shop Turtle’s Soup. Phrases like, “I Love Our Chemistry!” and “I Love You, Bitch!” have never been sweeter. Now all you need is some Blue Sky candy and you’re all set. Turtle’s Soup also has some pretty rad Ron Swanson cards, if Parks and Recreation is more her speed.

Nicholas Sparks Limited Edition Movie Collection, $69.97
For: The Girl Who Is Super Mad at You

Oh man, you must have done something really unforgivable if buying your girlfriend seven different versions of The Notebook is the only way to get yourself out of hot water. We kid, we kid – even we can’t resist a good love story – and if that story features Ryan Gosling’s pecs and an elderly lady with dementia, so much the better. This limited-edish gift set, released just in time for Valentine’s Day, includes seven movies based on the romantical novels of Nicholas Sparks, including: Safe Haven, The Lucky One, Dear John, Nights in Rodanthe, A Walk to Remember, Message in a Bottle, and The Notebook. It also comes with a postcard set of images from each film and a letter from Nicholas Sparks. Enjoy the long weekend, buddy.

Vibease, $79
For: The Girl Who Read 50 Shades of Grey in a Few Hours

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be sexy, and what’s sexier than a mini-vibrator controlled by your phone (uh, don’t answer that)? Enter Vibease - a discreet, wearable vibrator that, with the help of your smartphone, has the power to create a completely sensuous environment with the swipe of a finger. You know what we mean. Focusing on physical and mental stimulation, Vibease is guaranteed to give your lady exactly what she’s looking for. Maybe you can get some pointers.

Cirrus Fitness’ Collegiate and NBA-Branded Yoga Mats, $39.99
For: The Girl Who Only Does Downward Dog on Special Occasions

Do you want your girlfriend to display a greater interest in sports and look more like Jen Selter (above) – aka, the title-holder for Best Butt on Instagram? Then this Valentine’s Day, give her a yoga mat or stability ball from Cirrus Fitness, which recently announced a partnership with Jen, and which specializes in NCAA-licensed gear branded with the team colors and logos of more than 100 major universities (and all 30 NBA teams). Whether your girl went to a liberal arts college where the most popular sport is hackey sack or a Division 1 dynasty where football is a religion, now she can get in shape and flaunt her team spirit with unique products you won’t find at the campus bookstore.

Adidas Springblades, $180
For: The Girl Who Wants the Whole Gym to Know You're a Couple

These his and hers running shoes might look like something out of RoboCop, but they function way better than ED-209. The 16 angled blades help you push off into a stride and make running easier, which is great, because running is fucking hard. They also feature superior breathability, which is important because after wearing matching shoes in public for the entire world to see, you don’t want something as stupid as smelly feet to get in the way of the naughty-time you’ve very clearly earned.


"Be The Chef" Benihana Package, $140 for 4 people
For: The “I’m going to tell you I don’t want anything but I really want something fucking creative” Valentine

We’ve all heard it: “Valentine’s Day doesn’t really matter to me…all that matters is that we’re together.” That small statement is a dead giveaway that if you don’t come up with something good, she’s going to burn every important thing you own. So get your shit together and check out this Benihana “Be The Chef” package, a gift that will not only save your life, but also give you food. After a private training session with a famous Benihana chef, you and your significant other (and another couple, you dirty birds) will gorge on the five-course meal you expertly prepared for only $140. But let’s be serious – isn’t that priceless when you really look at it?

Portal Companion Cube, $4.99
For: You, If Your Girlfriend Loves You At All

Did you find the perfect gift, but suck at wrapping presents? Never fear. Provided the gift fits inside a 6” box (and if it doesn’t, you probably don’t need to worry about it, because you are probably rich and bought her a car and stop ruining Valentine’s Day for the rest of us, you rich jerk), this Portal Companion Cube-themed box is the ideal item for that video game-loving other half. Because there’s no better way to say “I love you” than with something that reminds people of comedic dystopian science survival horror.

LSTN Troubadour Headphones, $150
For: The Guy or Girl That Dragged You to Every Indie Concert You Couldn’t Care Less About

You could talk about the great look of these headphones, which are crafted out of reclaimed wood. You could talk about the comfort of the “plush earcups” (which coincidentally, was also the name of your significant other’s high school punk band). You could even talk about the great work they do making less fortunate people hear again. But the only thing that your sound-junkie will care about is how they sound. Rest assured, these headphones absolutely kill on every point of that spectrum.

Geneva Model XL Wireless Speaker, $2,299
For: The Girl Who Appreciates a Speaker Powerful Enough to Blow Her Clothes Off

The Model XL speaker does absolutely everything. No, really: It cooks, cleans, cuddles, and tells you that you look pretty when you’re having a bad day. Oh, wait – it’s actually your girlfriend who does those things. This speaker is just for music. But it is an awfully thoughtful way to show your appreciation for all that other stuff this Valentine’s Day. The Model XL is equipped with Bluetooth streaming, radio, alarm clock, CD player, and all the fancy, high-tech features you’d expect from a speaker that weighs a whopping 77 pounds – but for the hundredth time, does not look fat in that dress, and can we please go to dinner already?

Heart Meat Tartare, Price varies
For: The Adventurous Girlfriend (Or the girlfriend who takes things far too literally)

Has your girlfriend ever asked you to show a little more heart? Well, now is your opportunity to cram that sentiment right down her throat, in the most literal (and delicious) way possible. For the adventurous eater, you can stuff your face with raw heart meat this Valentine’s Day. Try going to Arsenal at Bluejacket Brewery in Washington, DC, where the menu – created by Executive Chef Kyle Bailey – includes beef heart tartare with minced shallots and chives, served over ciabatta (above left). Or try the beef heart tartare with pickled red onions (above right) from Chef Brad Spence at Amis in Philadelphia. Still hungry? Head to Mission Cantina in New York for a heaping helping of Chef Danny Bowien’s Hokkaido scallop and beef heart ceviche with capers, olives, and citrus (bottom). Talk about having your heart in your throat.

Happy Hour Timepieces: The Lightweight, $125
For: The Guy Who Left Your Gift at the Bar

We all know the sweet spot of the day comes right around Happy Hour (even though we’ve been known to indulge earlier), but we’re glad we finally have an equally decadent watch. The face shows only the most important hour of the day - 5PM - and, more importantly, the sturdy buckle doubles as a bottle opener. Utilitarian AND shameless? That’s our kind of timepiece.

Check out our other gift guides or our March Cover girl Laura Vandervoort!

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