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The Maxim Mother's Day Gift Guide

Show your mom how much she means by looking for presents on a website about boobs and butts.

Mother’s Day when you were 7 was easy: One construction paper card and a hug got you through the entire year. But now that you’re an adult, she expects a little more from you. Pry open that wallet and buy mom something that she’ll cherish for all time. (Or stop reading this and get her another Starbucks gift card.)

For Moms Who Need to Blog About Something on Their Outdated Blog

Monkey Picked Tea ($12)

For all we know, “Monkey” is the name of the guy at the factory who said, “I like that one,” as he pointed to the tea leaves. But whatever. It’s a conversation piece, and moms love tea almost as much as they love silently judging the neighbors and/or Jennifer Aniston.

Moss Terrarium ($38)

Giving your mom flowers on Mother’s Day is an amateur move. Instead, give her moss. These tranquil terrariums are as weird as they are memorable. While she might not cry out, “Thank you!” you will be rewarded later in life when she says, “Hey, remember when you gave me moss? Heh. What was that about?”

Voice Art (Starting at $75)

The sound of your voice fills your mom with joy, but talking to her can be a pain in the ass. The creative folks at Voice Art can turn your voice into a work of art that your mom can enjoy forever. The sound files are converted into a visual representation suitable for hanging. The sonic waves of a simple “I Love You” will make for wonderful designs. Better yet, say, “I once stole $17 from your purse.” She won’t know the difference.

Tech Candy iPhone Case ($33)

Though she may only use her iPhone to play Words With Friends and accidentally take pictures of the bottom of her purse, she’ll still love one of these mom-ish iPhone cases. If your mom doesn’t have an iPhone, you can still get her this case and tell her it's a fancy rubber muffin plate.

For Moms Willing to Try New Things

Sheep Placenta Facial ($85 for one hour)

“Hey, you know what might stop the signs of aging? Here, give me that sheep placenta you were gonna throw out. I have an idea...,” said someone at some point in the history of the planet. Why would your mom want a sheep’s placenta smeared on her face? How the hell should we know? She’s your mom. But we do know that a lot of middle-aged women enjoy spas, and if you’re treating her to a day of relaxation, why not go all out? Warning: According to our logic, as a result of this procedure, your mom may become pregnant with a sheep baby.

Tattoo Gift Card

A prudish mom would never go out and get a tattoo, but if you give her a gift card, she’ll feel obligated to get inked, and forcing your mom to permanently alter her body is what Mother’s Day is really about. Need some tattoo ideas? Suggest any of the following: A heart, sunflower, flaming sunflower, “Thug Life”, or add letter M’s to either side of her bellybutton. (Upside-down it spells “Wow!” and your dad will literally flip for that!)

Shoot Guns ($65)

Top Shot's Michelle Viscusi is proof that it's hot for women to be weaponized. In New York, you don’t need a permit to fire a .22 caliber rifle, so take your timid mom to the West Side Pistol and Rifle Range where she can assassinate targets using a Ruger 10/22 semi-automatic rifle. Experts will teach mom the proper way to fire a weapon, while you continue to make the always hilarious Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot jokes. (We make the same jokes.)

For Your Dad’s Annoying Long-Term Girlfriend

Cell-Mate Cell Phone Holder ($15)

This hilarious device allows for hands-free talking and hands-free mocking. It looks ridiculous, but older women can get away with looking ridiculous. It’s expected of them. Just don’t tell the Cell-Mate people that cell phones can accommodate Bluetooth headsets. It’ll ruin everything.

Sauna Pants ($39)

There are hot pants, and then there are hot pants. These steamy shorts are perfect Well, if you know a mom that often complains, “I wish my slacks were heated and vibrated,” then this is the gift for them! We’re ordering three pair, because suddenly we had a very sexy, sexy, naked idea.

Cat Fur Jewelry (Starting at $35)

Perfect for the hoarder in your life, these pieces of unique jewelry are made from metal and cat hair. Stop making that face! It’s only gross if you think about it. And using cat hair is a much better idea than our failed business in which we sold toothbrushes made of spider legs.

For Moms You Really Want to Impress

Sea Bags ($130)

Ever wondered what happens to a sail after it’s done sailing? Really? That’s a strange thing to think about. You must have a lot of time on your hand. Anyway, these bags are made from real sails and are just the kind of crafty, folky crap that moms enjoy. Do you ever wonder if the sails came from terrible shipwreck disasters? Dude! You need a hobby. You think too much.

Keurig Platinum Brewing System ($160)

Keurig machines are on your mom’s wish list. Don’t ask us how we know. Every mom wants one of these handy coffee machines, so be the hero this Mother’s Day and get your mom what she really wants. It’ll make your brother’s $15 Olive Garden gift card look like the crap that it is.

Foodzie ($30 a month)

The tasting box will arrive every month with new snacks and treats. You can be a cheapskate and only subscribe for a month or two, or throw down $360 and drown your mom in goodies for an entire year. Or, you could make your own tasting boxes out of leftover Skittles and the crumbs at the bottom of the Lucky Charms box.

Birchbox ($10 a month)

Like Foodzie for your face, this subscription service sends mom a box of beauty products every month. It’s a quick, easy, relatively cheap way to remind your mom that society still puts a great emphasis on physical beauty. The only downside is that your mom will call you each month when the box arrives and describe, in great detail, what was inside.

Downton Abbey on Blu-ray ($30)

Duh. It’s like a soap opera covered in fancy costumes, dipped in British accents and fortified with pretty people. This is mom-opium.

For Your Friend’s Hot Mom

50 Shades of Gray ($10)

This is Twilight but instead of vampires and werewolves, it has bondage and actual sex. This romance novel is nothing but lady-porn, but it’s more acceptable to give this as a gift than to give your friend’s mom a copy of Hustler. Trust us.

Flirty Apron ($35)

Sexist? A bit. Sexy? Yep. Sexo? That’s not a word. Stop trying to trick us.

“Supermodel” Pink Leather Flask ($25)

There’s no better way to sneak pinot noir into a piano recital! This feminine flask is perfect for party moms, desperate moms or moms who just like to kick back and have a good line at the grocery store.

For Doggie Moms (Not The Biological Ones...They’ve Already Moved On)

Flower in the Shape of a Dog ($60)

If you ignored our suggestion of “Moss Terrarium” above, and are dead-set on giving flowers, at least give flowers that are in the shape of something. This cute dog-shaped bouquet is perfect for the dog moms out there. But when the flowers start to die, and the dog begins to droop, get ready for the tears. It’s best not to name your flower dog, or grow too attached. (We miss you, Mr. Scruffy Duffy!!!)

Sure Fit Slip Covers and Pet Throws (Starting at $40)

Accidents happen. Hairs happen. Odors happen. Instead of buying new furniture every eight weeks, dog moms will appreciate these covers. Buy them for the dog, but use them for when you play Twister with various syrups --  in a sequel to the original Twister game we like to call “Twister: Rise of the Silver Surfer.”

K9 Kanvas - Custom Dog Portrait ($400)

It’s a bit pricey, but can you really put a value on a work of art? Yes. $400. This artist can immortalize your favorite pooch using acrylic paint on a 12” by 12” canvas. Although, for $400 you could probably just buy a whole other dog, or 40 sickly dogs. Still, moms go crazy for dog art, and personalized dog art is a surefire win.

Dog Days of Summer print ($20)

Instead of splurging on the custom dog print above, buy this piece of pop art for the dog mom in your life. Not only is it cheaper, it’s also less creepy. There. We just saved you $380. You’re welcome. (Apologies to the fine people at K9 Kanvas.)