These tasty titans of the teleprompter are the only reason to turn off the Spice Channel.
<strong>10. Lara Logan, CBS News and <i>60 Minutes</i></strong>- 60 minutes? Hell, we only need one, one and a half tops. Random trivia: she was born in Durban, a South African city with some serious friggin’ sugar cane plantations. And yet she remains as lithe and lean as a panther. Score one for self-discipline!
<strong>9. Cinnamon Stouffer, CNN Headline News</strong>- “Cinnamon Stuffer” sounds like something we’d call one of our friends if he decided to pass up a ball game for an afternoon baking tea cakes. Nonetheless, owing to her ability to read a teleprompter without blinking or gagging on her own spittle, this Cinnamon transcends spice rack and Spice Girl alike. (Note: Professionally, she dropped her given first name of Cinnamon in favor of her middle name Linda some time ago.)
<strong>8. Lisa Guerrero, random entertainment and junk TV</strong>- Granted, her stint as a sideline reporter for Monday Night Football revealed an almost stunning ignorance of the NFL and its rules, not to mention a lack of familiarity with the English language. But even as she tripped over Houshmandzadeh and Hasselbeck and Harrington, her chest heaved dependably just south of the camera. And it was good.
<strong>7. Sharon Tay, former host of <i>MSNBC at the Movies</i></strong>- She used to be one of the few non-Olbermann reasons to watch MSNBC. Now, she has gone oddly MIA. Even her SharonTay.com web site includes nothing except her name and a cheesecake photo. So let’s get this straight: Sharon Tay has gone missing, and yet Congress is wasting its time investigating the misappropriation of funds designated for public schools? What does that say about our priorities?
<strong>6. Bobbie Thomas, product guru for Fox Sports’ <em>Best Damn Sports Show Period</em></strong>- An innocent typo transforms her name from “Bobbie” to “Boobie.” We like boobies. Boobies are nice.
<strong>5. Melissa Stark, NBC/MSNBC</strong>- Has anybody actually seen her since she moved over to the NBC side of the ball? The Today show, Olympic speedskating, co-hosting duties on Carson Daly’s (!) New Year’s Eve special…like her army of beer-swilling fans/pervs would ever watch any of this, even at knifepoint.
<strong>4. Suzy Kolber, ESPN</strong>- She smiles, knows her sports, and deftly parried a drunken advance by Joe Namath during a nationally televised game. What’s not to like? Hell, she almost convinces us that she doesn’t mind the company of Chris Berman and Michael Irvin.
<strong>3. Kiran Chetry, Fox News</strong>- She reports, we decide (to slather ourselves silly with moisturizer). Her first name means "rays of sunshine" in Sanskrit. Seriously.
2. Stephen Colbert, <i>The Colbert Report</i></strong>- Sure, he lacks functional cleavage and, in his hermetically sealed suits, flashes less skin than Diane Sawyer. But shame on you, liberal media, to tell us that an individual born without what you insist on calling a "vagina" can’t be as sexy as a Joy Behar or a Helen Thomas? Hard-left media arbiters of sexy, you’re on notice.
<strong>1. Melissa Theuriau, somewhere/something in France</strong>- We have no idea who she is, what she broadcasts, or why there are so many vowels in her last name. But, oh, that lip gloss! That pout! Those plunging necklines! If only she were to wave France’s traditional white flag of surrender in response to our romantic overtures…