Are these women hot by traditional standards? No. Would we still do dirty things to them? Hell, yes!

3. Lisa Lampanelli- Here in the Maxim.com offices, we're big fans of dirty talk. And for our money, no one's mouth is filthier than the Queen of Obscene. Plus, it would be a hoot to hear all of the brutal new "one-pump chump" jokes she would invariably write after a throw with us.

2. Pink- Her "just one of the guys" act is an easy one to believe, thanks to her Ricky Martin haircut and American Gladiators pube muscles. But she's a refreshing change of pace from the typical blonde pop stars that we would eventually go running back to.

1. Meg White- We've always wanted to bag a drummer, and for us it came down to a coin flip between Meg and the one-armed guy from Def Leppard. She's 12 pounds of sugar in two 5-pound bags, and has both arms. If she humps like she drums…

5. Tina Fey- We first reported on Tina in our trenchant exposé on TV's least appealing ladies. Tina, in turn, straightened her glasses and told Time magazine, "Maxim talks a good game, but if Maxim and I were alone, and Maxim was drunk, they'd sleep with me." Know what? She's right.

4. Juliette Lewis- Got a role in your movie that calls for hot white trash? Juliette's your girl. Got a role in your movie that doesn't call for hot white trash? Juliette'll play the hot white trash version. Just want to hook up with a girl you don't have to clean up for? We think you get the picture.